Never Whole

[06.04.00] » by Loa

In my time of sadness. When I realize I have nothing but dust. I look to you.

You are everything. I am nothing. Part of your whole. And you will never know.

How many times can you smash something before it breaks? And how many times can you stab something until it bleeds? Her heart bled for him. No matter how much she wanted to deny it. With her bitterness came a sick sort of truth. A truth that crept up in the shadows of darkness and shivered in the harsh light of her classroom. She hid it. All the time, everyday, even in her mind. It was never a fact, never true. A fabrication, a sense of delirium gone awry. She hadn't known. Until, it was too late.

And then what? He was happy. Happier than she could ever make him. Only the fact remained she was emptier than he had ever be. She was the vessel waiting to be filled, the container shallow and porous... Whatever liquid of desire filled her, it merely filtered through, truly nothing in a day, a week, a month, a year. Her memories were clouded, and spent great a many days staring at the blazing ball that was the sun dipping beneath cotton cloud puffs of hot pink and deep purple. In Biology, she once was taught that the heart's blood was a shade not too far from that very purple.

All her blood seemed to be gone. Gone with his departure.

"I miss you." she whispered to her pillow. Sick, alone, afraid. Always contemplating. Why? Why her?

"With her..." she would say to wet hands. Whetted by sick tears. Bitter and dry was her soul and the tears only served to tear down the walls that kept her sane. Seeing her students, her superiors in the hall only worsened the pain. He was gone, in a meadow. Far away, with flowers and love, and happiness. Everything she wanted, nothing she could have.

It seemed like all she thought of was him. And that was the horrible part, for she didn't know why. She was smart enough to understand that people didn't love her. Yes, her "Trepies" but never out of anything but blind adoration.

"Real. I want something real."

What is real? The brain tells us so much and nothing at all. How could she know if what she was feeling was "real."

Gritted teeth, mussed blonde hair, and green grass all around. Running with short breath. Running, escaping, from herself, her past, his memory which clung to her like a death shroud. Was that what she was? Dead because of him? Dead inside...

"I want to feel..." she cried. Clutching her sore head, she fell to her knees. No one was ever there. Now in the moment of criticality, where her life hung on a thread called pain, she felt it all slip away and the world grow dim, all the countryside of Balamb was silent at her feet. For a moment, a short, short moment, she was goddess. Whole, because in her insanity she was in control.

But the moment had disappeared as he had. Quietly slipping away into the darkness... Accompanied by a raven haired...

No! She couldn't. Couldn't give in to this overwhelming pain. There were people other than him. Fish in the sea... Why were her thoughts so unconnected...? Confused and harried and hurried onward, antagonized by the sharp balmy air and the smell of salt from the ocean. She clamored to her feet and dizzily walked towards the sun.

"Be part of a whole... I'm..." her voice cracked the still air. A tear, two, three, fell down her cheek in plummets. If anyone was to see...

But the reservations were gone. Hopelessness, endlessness, pain and sorrow, all familiar, all sickening. All horrible. Ending. Sweet. Please...

Infinity mocked her from the ocean. It was like some sort of horrible dream she had had when she was a child, in the orphanage, much like this sound had washed through her small ears. The sound of ocean and the sea. The expanse of blue that went on forever.

Once she wondered what would happen if she dove beneath it, and let herself live there. Exist there. Or was that existence at all? Being mingled in oblivion and feeling this worthless shell she had carved fall away.

She didn't want to die. She only now realized her weakness. How she herself was a lie. All she had stood for, her talk, her own splendor, all destroyed by one man. And now... Now she dallied in the setting sun's rays, her boots dragging in the damp sand near the shore, and the smell of salt and spray and nothingness and everything flooded her delicate nose.

"Be... Part..." she mumbled, letting her skirt soak up the salt. Her hands wandered, like a child's, through the water, and she saw small minnows drifting around with the currents she made.

Why wasn't she stronger? Wouldn't someone save her? The last rational part of her mind cried out. She was haunted. Always haunted. Should have said more... But she hadn't known! They had followed their hearts...

Onward, onward. The waves were a bit larger. The water was welcoming. It cradled her tired arms and her tired body, it took away the pain, the loneliness. Maybe it was her fault... Maybe... Her mind was so heavy, and an echo cried to let it rest, to let her face fall into the cool water, to feel the sharp tingle of salt against her brain... To feel... But she didn't want that feeling. She wanted his arms.

No arms came... And yet, her eyes faded, and she could see a shadow of a past unwritten, or maybe the future. An infinite possibility that would never come true. He was there... In the shadows, but arms open, waiting, calling her. She couldn't hear his voice, but it pounded in her ears, like a cymbal from the Garden's band...

His mouth moved, in the same pattern, again, and again. She reached for him, strove to be near his warmth. But he would move... Just a bit. And then she would go forth again.

Something called her, from behind. It wasn't real.... No... Who would shout at her now? That incessant shouting...

"QUISTIS!!" it screamed. "QUISTIS WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!!!" it was male... Who?

No, nothing mattered but him. She was almost there. No more... Nothing could stand between them...

And she touched him. And...

It faded away, as she felt cold water gush upon her, a wave eat her alive and toss her down to the green-blue-black depths below. She spun and fell, and kicked. And realized now... Realized now she was still empty. Still alone.

And now dead.

Her mouth opened and bubbled, her glassy eyes blinked at the blood that stained the perfect sea.

I love you... Squall.

I knew I was nothingness... From the day I saw the dust resemble me.

You cannot save me...

Fin.