Choices

[05.13.00] » by Loa

In this life... We make choices. To be strong, or weak. To be happy, or sad. To live... To die.

When had this all begun? When the time has slowed to its current pace, and my heart can beat again, maybe I will be able to differentiate the past from the present, so on and so forth. My heart is heavy these days, without him here... Without him nearby. Where is he? Truly... I had loved him. And all those times I bit my lip, not said a word... Maybe he was feeling the same? No... No never, not him. Not him...

The winds of change that encircle me, as I sit atop the castle, they tell me stories of my past, and my own insecurities. I never wanted it to be this way. But, I have chosen this path. And he has gone, and now... Well, now there is no more consolation. There is no more clear cut way. Have I truly reached the end? The end of a long path through which I have trudged for far too long? As I write these words, I find it hard to believe them. I was never the type to say such things... Never the type to say much of anything, ever. Maybe that was why...

I remember the first time I saw him. He was so handsome, dashing, even. He had long black hair, his face so fresh and new against the worn bindings of the dusty books in that library. And when Master introduced me to him... Oh, I actually had butterflies. My giggle now is not what raced past my lips when I first saw him... Oh, no, the first time, I almost vomited in the apprehension that I should make a fool of myself in front of him. I didn’t want to embarrass myself... And yet, as I stuttered a timid hello to him, he merely smiled faintly and went back to work.

Nights I spent, angry with myself for not saying, doing, more. If only I... And then it was too late. Weeks and months passed, and we worked side by side. He smiled very little. Always brooding. Always angry. He yelled a lot. But still, I cared about him. ‘If only’, I thought, ‘if only I could make him happy, and soothe those nerves within him. Tell him he was indeed brilliant. Better than me, smarter. That Master loved him like a son, and he was the best and only thing in my eyes.’

But the words never came... Oh, damn these tears... All the tears I spent, and continue to spend, even now. It’s wasted... All of it, now. And when he left... My heart broke then, and was never healed. It had happened quickly... Master had yelled, and he had yelled back. All in the library. The dusty shelves shook, and the attendants from the hall came rushing in... And those words, that froze my heart.

"Go you old man! Take her and try to win your wars! You know the truth!"

And he had spun on his heel and fled from the room, but not, for he always knew how to command a room, even when Master was in it. And so, I fled after him, crying, wailing, and in my heart I wanted to fling myself at his feet and cry: ‘Please! Please don’t go! I love you. I need you.’ But that wasn’t the course of events that evening...

I did indeed run, all the way to the gates of the estate, and threw myself at his mercy. But I could not speak my mind, and express the feelings that dwelled in my empty, empty heart. I merely mumbled and sobbed, like a lost child.

"Oh please, please, please don’t leave me alone... Please... Please..."

And... Oh, and his response, those burning eyes, and that sick feeling that set my heart aflame.

"Get out of my way."

And then he pushed past my pitiful figure and stormed off into the distance. I was left with but a piece of my heart...

We all make choices in life. I followed my Master until his death, and did what I knew he would think was right. He... My love, he followed his path, and became rich. I never thought I would see him again, amidst the bloodshed, the battles, the pain, and the victory, I thought our paths would never converge again.

Funny how destiny can come in the form of a small boy, pledging to rid the land of injustice... I followed that boy, as asked by old friends. It led me to his doorstep. And after all the years, and all I had grown, I still was powerless to express the truth in my heart. But, somehow, empowered by the boy that guided us, I pushed myself to ask for his help. But... Of course, his helping us could never have been directly affected by me asking him... No, it was the boy.

And then, one night, anticipating a battle, I stalked along this very same area, and stared at the moon above, and thought of everything ahead... And how weak I was, and how strong he was. How I wished I could be as strong as him, and as independent. Speak my mind! Tell him... And yet... I never even heard him behind me.

"You’re up late."

"Oh?" I spun around, and stared into his eyes.

"Yes... What’s wrong? Nervous about tomorrow?"

I bowed my head... I could never stare for long into his eyes. "I’m not... As strong as you. Even Master said it."

"The old man... Well... he was a fool." he turned to the sky.

"How could you say that?"

"How could you understand?"

"All I know is... He died regretting that you left without saying proper good-byes..."

"He didn’t care."

"He loved you like a son."

He did not reply.

"I’m sorry... I shouldn’t have spoken like that..."

He looked up. "What?"

"I shouldn’t speak to you that way."

"You shouldn’t be so afraid."

And the words sunk deep into my heart. Afraid. All my life, scared. Not of blood, or battle. But of revealing... Revealing my heart. It’s because I am weak. And he was so strong.

And I had fled that night, and vowed never to think of him again. Never to pretend he loved me. None of it, not anymore. But yet, my dreams, even I could not control. I spent many nights staring at the blank ceiling. Trying not to think of him... But yet I couldn’t simply stop. I admonished myself, again and again, but nothing would work, nothing would come...

The final battle approached. I remember the terror I had hid in my heart. I was scared for my friends and compatriots, and... Him.

The flames. The flames burned so brightly around that forest and this deep aching dread crept up around my soul, and held me in. I felt like crying at the foot of the flames, but could not... Still couldn’t reveal the truth. We trudged inside... I was certain he was going to be laying stock still, killed by the flames, or something equally horrible.

But there he was, untouched, unscathed. Tired, but whole. And when he walked away, my heart followed him once again. I had picked the card that had nearly taken his life... And yet, I could feel nothing. Did he trust me? I would never know... He would never tell me.

They won, of course, under his brilliance. For although the boy amassed the people’s spirits, he guided that mass spirit and made them furious. Made them fight for what was good. Made them win. I know if he had never came, we would have died out as soon as our flame was lit. And afterwards... He left for the capital a few weeks ago, without a word of good-bye... Strange, isn’t it? The course of our lives, the choices we make... I wonder, as I continue to scribble this, if I make any sense at all. I have to finish though. I have to make this choice, before it’s too late, and my thoughts envelop me again. I over-rationalize everything... My Master told me that long ago. And now I know it to be fact. If my love does indeed find this, well... What happens, is fate’s decision, for I will be long, long gone. My bags are awaiting me. I will take myself and hide away, continue these studies of mine, and condemn myself to the lonely existence that I carved for myself... I wish things were different. I wish I could return to the days of old, make other choices, be stronger, have his love.

But that could never be. I once read an interesting quote in a philosophy book my Master gave me to read.

"There are infinite possibilities in this lifetime, but there is but one true ending."

I think I now know what my ending is. To whoever finds this, please send it to the palace... Or not. Make my choice for me. If you do indeed find it, I believe the first lines will let them know whom it is meant for...

Thank you,

Apple Farlili,

Former strategist of the new State Army

^^; This is my first time writing a Suikoden fic. I hope you enjoyed it. Any comments/questions welcomed. Send them here. If you would like to read more of my work, please go to beyond the surface, my writing archive. Thanks!