Bathroom Humor

[03.02.00] » by Gordy Wheeler

He couldn't help himself anymore. It was a compulsion, a driving need, a hunger! He felt ashamed and dirty... but... it felt so good! Clenching his teeth with the effort of remaining calm, Cloud slunk quietly from his room in the Costa del Sol villa, closing his door softly behind him. From the other rooms he could hear either soft snoring sounds, or silence, indicating that the rest of his group of friends were soundly asleep.

Creeping, tip-toeing, he made his way across the hallway through the grayish, pre-dawn light that filtered through the window and finally to the door of the bathroom. Looking around, and over his shoulder once more, he entered quickly and shut the door behind him, locking it and breathing a sight of anxious relief. If any of his friends caught him at it, he would be mortified at the least.

He looked in the mirror at his embarrassed and flushed face, his floppy, lank blond hair,

then grinned an irresponsible grin of anticipatory delight, and found someplace comfortable to begin.

* * *

"God DAMN it, Cloud!!" Tifa's boot smashed into the door, as she executed a flawless Somersault and followed it up with a beautiful Water Kick, her rage making the door tremble and creak. But still, it held solid.

"I'll be out soon! I promise!" She heard Cloud's muffled reply, laden with heavy panting, and shuffling.

"What in Creation's name is happening?" Came a gentle, melodious voice from Tifa's side. She looked down to see Aeris there, her hair in ringlets, wonderfully disarrayed from sleeping. She wanted to smack her.

"He's at it again. He's been in there since 7AM!" Once again enraged, Tifa slammed the door with her fist. "HURRY UP, flophead! I gotta GO!"

Aeris sighed and folded her hands prettily in her pink nightie. "Oh dear," she said. "Well, I'll go make us all breakfast while we wait for Cloud to ... um, finish?" Aeris blushed, beautifully, of course, and scurried gracefully down the hall. Tifa glared after her, willing the prim little thing to trip and break her nose. When her wish was not granted, Tifa fumed. When Aeris started singing some crap-happy song as she puttered about the villa's kitchen, Tifa swore. She hated mornings.

* * *

"Is he STILL in there?" Vincent asked, somberly from his place in a shadow-filled corner. Tifa rolled her eyes. Wherever Vincent was, there were shadows or dramatic lighting. Did he have a special Materia for that?

"Yes. He's still in there. It's almost -noon-! We were supposed to leave and head for Rocket Town today!" Tifa raised her fist to pound the door again, but dropped it as it throbbed with a newly rising bruise. Sighing, she glared unhappily at Aeris who she could see sitting in the living room, knitting something. KNITTING. Didn't the girl have a bladder!!? Tifa entertained herself for a while with images of Aeris' bladder exploding, and her body contorted in pain, her beautiful face twisted in agony. It made her smile.

Yuffie bounced down the hallway on a pogostick past Vincent and Tifa, merrily chanting some nonsense as she hopped along. "Hi Tiffie! Hi Vincie! Still waiting to pee?" Vincent glared at the teenager, Tifa just snorted. "Awww, wotsamatta, Tiffie? Are you miffed that Aeris is prettier than you are, again?" The mini-ninja hopped up and down in front of Tifa, an ingratiating smile on her face.

"Shuddup, Chocobo Fodder." Tifa mumbled and looked away, coloring.

Barret came ambling down the hall with something under his arm, oblivious to the group in the hallway as he hummed some drunken sailor song. He tried the handle of the bathroom, frowned, then tried again, then punched it a little. "Thu hell?!"

"Uh, Barret? Cloud's been in there since this morning." Tifa said, trying to see what Barret was carrying.

"Thu hell's he doin'!? I gots things ta do, too!" He waved his gun arm around, causing Vincent to duck more than once, and glare venomously at the large man.

"What IS that, Barret?" Yuffie pointed at the white bundle Barret held.

"What? This? Just a.. a... towel. Gonna ... take a ... shower. Y'know."

"Ohso?" Yuffie was still for 2 seconds, then pounced on Barret, trying to wrestle his package away from him. Finally wresting it from his grasp and displaying it for all to see.

"LOOK! It's Barret's JAMMIES!" The sailor clothes flopped about as Yuffie waved them.

"Goddammit, ya little runt! Gimmethose! Ain't none'a your bizness!" He snatched at the clothes, but Yuffie danced away, giggling like an insane chipmunk.

"Barret the Sailor! Barret the Sailor!" She singsonged and took off down the hall on her pogostick, with an enraged Barret in pursuit. Vincent and Tifa exchanged glances, and head shakes, then went back to sitting sullenly quiet.

* * *

It was two o' clock in the afternoon when Cid came racing in through the door and down the hallway. "Getoutta my way, you @#%^%$! I gotta piss!" He slammed into the door with his shoulder, trying to get it open, then hopped up and down in front of it, pounding on the door. "Open up, goddammit! I gotta @#$!@! piss! My bladder's gonna explode!"

"What is it this time, Cid? Another all-night tea-drinking festival?" Red XIII asked from his spot at Vincent's feet. He too was waiting his turn in the bathroom, WHY Tifa could not fathom.

"Cloud's in there, Cid. He's been holding things up since morning." Tifa said wearily. She was ready to just walk down to the bar and use the restroom.

"What the FUCK!?" Cid burst out. The group stared at him. Normally he just spouted shift characters.

* * *

The afternoon wore on slowly, and the group in the hallway grew ancier. Cid REALLY had to pee, Tifa didn't understand why he didn't just use a window. Or Vincent for that matter. Or why Vincent didn't use the window. Well, maybe that was something that had been ... altered on the former-Turk. She speculated wickedly on this for some time. Yuffie came tearing back in, wearing oversized sailor clothes, singing some ridiculous song about spinach, and Barret roared after her. Another hour passed.

Tifa was having a delicious daydream about Sephiroth running his sword through Aeris' guts, while she howled and looked hideous. She replayed the scene several times, varying the slicing time from slow, to fast, and from gushing blood to spilling guts. She giggled to herself. With Aeris dead, she'd have Cloud to herself! He wouldn't moon after anybody but HER now! Yes. Aeris had to die. Die. Die HORRIBLY.

"DIE! DIE, AERIS, DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE!!!" Tifa shrieked and leapt into the air triumphantly.

"Did you need me, Tifa?" Came the sweet call from the kitchen, as Aeris poked her lovely head around the corner. Vincent smiled, Red XIII wagged his tail, and Cid fox-whistled at the girl. Tifa's exultant leap became a nosedive.

Pulling herself from the floor, Tifa lurched towards the smiling woman-child, back arched like a cat's. Her overfull bladder and uneasy temper had gotten the best of her at last. She was going to slap the HELL out of that simpering little tart!

"OhBABY! Slapfight! Catfight!" Cid hooted and jumped up to run closer. Vincent looked mildly curious, and Red pricked his ears forward.

"You... You... YOU PERFECT LITTLE PRINCESS!" Tifa swung her arm back, preparing to deliver a blow that would knock the little thing from her feet and leave a bruise a mile high on her cheek. Aeris just smiled at her.

"Oh, thank you, Tifa! You're so wonderful!"

"GrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaAAAAAH! DIIIIE!" Tifa glowed red as a circle of fire burst around her, and she raised her fists, peering over them menacingly. "BEAAAAAT RUUUU---OOF!"

Cait Sith careened into Tifa, knocking her flat on her back. "Se...Se...SEPHIROTH!"

Somewhere, a Latin chorus echoed in the ceiling menacingly.

"He's HERE! Outside! NOW!" Cait finished, gasping in fear. The rest of the party responded immediately, running to fetch weapons, and attach materia to their armor and bodies. Tifa pulled herself wearily from the floor, face slumped in defeat.


"SEPH-I-ROTH!" Came the ringing chorus.

Suddenly, the bathroom door burst open, and Cloud came charging out of it, his face glowing with anger. "Sephiroth is here!?" He demanded. Tifa didn't reply, she was too busy staring at Cloud's hair.

"Oh my god... Cloud... what happened?" Aeris asked solicitously.

Cloud's hair stuck up in a myriad of directions, ending in spiky points that looked like they could cut. One extremely well pronounced spike jutted obscenely from the middle of his head, standing straight up from the others, like an absurd knife blade.

"Do you like it? I worked all morning on it."

"Damn. I knew we shouldn't have let him stay with that red-headed kid." Cait muttered.

"What was his name?" Red asked.

"I dunno. Said Crono on his nametag."

As the party sat in shock, staring at Cloud's ridiculous hairdo, the inevitable happened, and Sephiroth entered, accompanied by loud Latin chanting and orchestral flares.

"I have come..." The melodiously menacing voice rolled and slithered over them like some kind of black silk. A steely hiss, and the impossibly long blade was drawn free from whatever sheath he had hidden in his trenchcoat.

Yuffie, who had reentered with Barret in tow, leaned over and asked of Aeris. "Is he really naked under that?"


"Oh for crying out loud. Sephiroth, can you just wait. We all have to really PEE." Tifa waved absently at the tall villain before her as she stared at Cloud's hair, fascinated.

"Pee?" Sephiroth echoed, perplexed.

"Yes, you know. Make water, take a piss, drain urine, squeege, shake the dew off the lily, go WEE WEE!?" Tifa rounded on the black cloaked man, who stared at her with wide emerald green eyes, surprised.

"Wee wee...?" The horribly beautiful voice was respectfully muted.

"SIT!" Tifa roared, pointing at one of the plush sofas. "I am going to use the bathroom, and THEN I will deal with your skinny little ass!" Tifa snarled and stomped off to the bathroom, slamming the door behind her. The party stared in wonder as Sephiroth slowly sat down on the chair, hands on his knees like a child waiting to be scolded.

The group took their turns in the potty, eventually all re-emerging to stand before Sephiroth. "All right, Sephiroth, you can continue now." Tifa said, somewhat more composed now that she didn't feel as if her back teeth were floating.

Sephiroth looked shyly at Tifa, then stood up, inching away from her, until his back was to the tall, arched window. The light flared around him, giving him an angelic halo, as he stood, dressed in shadow, only his eyes glowing their ominous green. "Very well..." The silky hiss returned. Tifa groaned.

"I have returned, and the time is now..." He continued, his face exultant as he lifted it to the sunlight, making harsh shadows across his sculpted face.

"Uh, Mr. Sephiroth? I thought you said that the time was now, back there on the cargo ship." Yuffie interrupted the villain.

"Well, uh, yes..."

"So, doesn't that mean the time has passed?"

"No, we're still at now."

"Now-now, or then-now?" Yuffie grinned infuriatingly.

Sephiroth took a menacing step forward, the mini-ninja darted behind Tifa for protection. Tifa crossed her arms over her ample chest and waited. Cloud stepped forward, his ridiculous hair gleaming with some kind of disgusting goo.

"All right, Sephiroth, get to the point."

"Actually, I'm done. I just came to tell you that." Sephiroth's voice settled into a normal baritone as he shrugged black-clad shoulders. "See you later." He turned and headed for the door. The party relaxed and shook heads at one another. "Oh! I almost forgot!" Sephiroth turned around frighteningly fast, and launched a small green crystal from his hands, taking Cloud in the stomach, and hurtling him backwards. The materia rolled off of him, onto the floor in front of Tifa.

"GodDAMMIT, Sephiroth! That HURT!" Cloud whined, and struggled to his feet. "Can't you be more INVENTIVE?! Why are you giving me materia anyway?"

Sephiroth rolled his eyes, and tossed his silver hair back with a flip of his hand, opening his mouth to say something else.

"BONZAAAAAAII!" Tifa ripped off the materia from her metal knuckles and flung it at Sephiroth, it beaned him solidly in the head with a satisfying *BOINK* sound. He staggered backwards as a lump began to grow on his forehead.

"WOOP!" Screamed Cid as he began throwing a barrage of useless Materia at the evil madman, tearing them off his bracelets and polearm. Sephiroth crouched on the ground as the small, crystal balls pelted him furiously.

The rest of the party joined in, and continued for sometime, until Sephiroth finally started flinging them back. Cait goalied, scooting materia back into the reach of the rest of the group, while Barret figured out how to load them into his gun and fire them across the room. Vincent and Cid played mock baseball, while dodging Sephiroth's wild pitches.

"Stop it! All of you, stop!" Aeris cried. The materia flinging ceased for the moment as the beautiful young lady stepped in front of the party, her arms outflung. "Oh, please don't hurt each other anymore! I can't bear it! If you'll just--" Tifa grabbed Aeris' braid and flung her off to the side with it, then leapt at Sephiroth, a materia in each hand.

Tifa flew towards Sephiroth, arms flung out and holding her readied materia. The tall, cloaked villain had the sort of look in his eyes which was usually associated with small woodland creatures who had chosen the wrong moment to cross a set of train tracks. Tifa landed squarely before him, raised her fistfuls of materia, and screamed, "BEEEEEEEAT RU---"...

For the second time that day her limit cry was cut off, this time from screams behind her. She broke off, turning her back to Sephiroth as she spun around to see what was happening. A huge grin broke across her face. "YEEEEES!" she cried, drawing stares from her fellow party members.

Aeris had been flung off into Cloud, and the two had collapsed into a pile on the floor. Aeris lay face-down, collapsed atop his head, the blonde swordsman making frantic muffled sounds and waving his arms wildly. The bane of Tifa's existence, the great priss-miss of the Planet, the serene Cetra of terrible tranquility was sprawled atop Cloud's hair. It wasn't quite Sephiroth's blade, but it would have to do. Tifa cheered herself hoarse.

As Cloud continued to flail wildly, Tifa turned back to Sephiroth with a wild grin, only to find him not there, and a shattered window in front of her. She craned her neck upward and pelted the fleeing back of the powerful villain with her last two materia, and was rewarded by a dip in his flight and a howl as his legs smacked into a chimney. Satisfied, she turned away again, just as the door of the house smashed off its hinges and into the rack of 1/64th Soldiers against the far wall.

Reno and Rude of the Turks stalked in, making every effort to look as cool as possible. Their effect was diminished a bit as Rude fell over the remains of the door. The effect was diminished even more as Cid ran over the fallen Turk. "YOU BROKE MY @%&*@ SOLDIERS! YOU #$%! @#&*! *@!%! BASTARDS! I'LL KILL THE @*&%$ BOTH OF YOU!" The party winced and collectively stepped away from the area. They'd been forced to ride the Speed Square Coaster sixty-eight times for that last piece of the collection, they'd seen Cid's face as he finally won it, and they'd watched him lovingly line the display cabinet with each soldier, posing it carefully for maximum effect. They did NOT want to be in his way. The only one who didn't step away was Tifa. She pointed at the Turks and squealed with joy.

"Even YOU can't break my mood! She's DEAD! DEAD DEAD DEEEEEEAD!". cackled the fighting girl, dancing merrily around Cloud and Aeris. Cloud paused in his flailing, then made loud, muffled sounds. "Mrr mrrf MRRF!"

Tifa blinked and pushed the evil creature off Cloud's face. "No she's NOT. But she CRUSHED my HAIR!" Cloud was almost in tears, holding his head and feeling the blunted remains of his spikes. "I had just finished that! I'll NEVER get it that good again!" His face went determined. "Gotta try anyway." He ran for the bathroom, slamming the door with a click. Tifa groaned. "Well, damnit." Aeris also groaned. Tifa considered aiming a kick at her, but it seemed pointless now. She glared at the Turks, waiting, as Cid held his spear menacingly.

Rude slowly got to his feet, holding out an arm until he found Reno's shoulder, then using it to pull himself up. He glared at the wall and took a few steps towards it. "You know why we're...", he began.

Reno reached out and tapped him on the shoulder. "They're over here, Rude." Rude turned in the general direction of the party, lifted his sunglasses up, and squinted at them. "Right." He set them down and started again. "You know..."

Yuffie stopped scooping up the thrown materia and bounced over to him cheerfully. "Hey Mr. Turkey Man. Why d'ya wear your sunglasses indoors at night, hmm?" Reno looked at her and crossed his arms in a cool manner. "I wear my sunglasses at night, so I I can..." he appeared to falter for a moment, then pressed on, "...keep track of the visions in my eyes..."

Reno groaned. "You had to get him started..." as Rude's voice grew more and more sing-songy. Cid cursed softly and waved his spear at the singing Turk, who stepped backward quickly. "Don't turn the blade on the guy in shades!" Finally Reno hit him and he shut up.

Tifa stepped forward. "So why are you here?", she questioned the pair.

Reno sighed. "You KNOW why we're..." Tifa cut him off with a gesture. A quick gesture with her arm, not an obscene one with her hand, in spite of her current feelings. "No, we DON'T, or I wouldn't have asked." Rude glared at her, or at least she thought he did. "Yes, you do." Tifa glared back. "No, we DON'T." Reno leaned forward until he was nose to nose with the fighting girl. "You DO. Do, do, do." Tifa responded with logic and conviction by reeling back and punching him as hard as she could. He flew back onto the remains of the rack of soldiers. Cid howled.

Several things happened at once then. Red, who had been sitting quietly next to the now ruined display rack, watching the materia flinging and now the eloquent verbal exchange between Reno and Tifa, suddenly noticed a definite tang to the air around him. In fact, it smelled like -- SMOKE! He reared back, and stared at the display case, with its few remaining soldiers, many limbless, as it crackled and burned merrily from the light on his tail. Cid started to cry.

Cait Sith yelled something, and ran forward with a bucket of water, pulled from God-only-knows-where, but slipped on an errant All materia and crashed loudly into Vincent, who had been lounging harmlessly in the corner, adorned with shadows and heavy backlighting. In the ensuing crash and tumble of stuffed body, and goth ex-turk and alot of water, Vincent's shotgun was flung from his hand and across the room, whacking Aeris (who had only just now begun to pull herself from the floor), on the head with an unpleasant *SWUCK* sound.

"BIRDIES!" The lovely, bruised Cetra cried and stumbled backward, just as Cloud flew out the door of the bathroom, his hair once again extremely spiky. "Look guys! I got it to -- AUGH!" Aeris tripped, careened into Cloud and sent them both crashing to the floor again.

This time however, due to the mixture of strange substances coating Cloud's hair, and the materia he still wore strapped to his body, Aeris -was- impaled by the jutting spike atop his head. "OH GROSS!" Cloud yelped and pushed Aeris bleeding body of his head, running for the bathroom again.

Tifa stared. No, she -gaped-. It was too ridiculous, too pathetic, too utterly stupid. It was -perfect-. Tifa threw back her head, cackling in obscene glee at the sight of Aeris' body leaking blood all over the fine carpet.

Barret finally shook his massively stony head free from shock, "SHIT! Someone get a Phoenix Down! Aeris is dead!" The party, except for Tifa and Cloud that is, rifled their pockets, and even the Turks made a show of patting around for something.

"We're out!" Cried Red XIII, who was now hiding behind a couch, looking warily over at Cid to see if he had noticed him yet.

"Well, then summon the Phoenix, ya bonehead!"

"Uh... I don't know if that's such a goo--" Yuffie began, but Cid cut her off by screaming the Summon name for the life-giving bird, holding up some broken 1/64th soldiers in offering. Fire flared from all directions, there was a loud explosion of light, and a feeling of flying through the air. Somewhere the music swelled, and the flames started to sway in time as a terrifyingly beautiful bird of ...

"It's... naked..." Vincent blinked from his position, underneath the apparently unconscious, and wet, pile of Cait Sith.

"I TRIED to tell you!" Yuffie, sulked. The Phoenix, quite denuded of its spectacular feathers waddled on to the scene. It looked Aeris over with a disgusted eye, made a rather vulgar quacking noise, then disappeared in a shower of fireworks.

"What the hell -happened-?!" Barret was dancing in rage.

"Where do you think we GET Phoenix Down, ya idgit!" Yuffie retorted.

"Well then, where's the damn Revive materia!?"

"Uh... now that... I..." Yuffie colored an interesting shade of red.

"You -what-?" Vincent asked, suspicious.


"Oh for the love of ..."

Tifa capered in mad glee, dancing hand in hand with Barret for a moment, then breaking out into a hearty chorus of "Ding Dong, the Witch is Dead!" She even yanked Rude close by his ears and kissed him soundly on his shiny head.

"All right... Can we PLEASE get back to--" Reno began, stepping over the huddled, weeping form of Cid as he cradled the dismembered body of one of his soldiers.

"Oh! VINCENT! I'm so SORRY!" It was Cait Sith, who had reawakened and was now struggling to get off the ex-Turk and help him up at the same time, resulting mostly in some hilarious squirming and bizarre facial expressions from Vincent. "Oh my GOD! Are you all RIGHT!? Oh, I'm so STUPID!" Cait's voice was getting higher and higher pitched. Reno narrowed his eyes.

Vincent tried to worm away from the weird stuffed animal who was also drenched and smelling faintly of mold. Making noises of disgust and small whimpering noises, he only succeeded in further dampening himself.

"Oh! Oh no! I'm sorry! ACK! I'm SO sorry! Did I hit you!? Oh no! EEK!" Cait Sith continued in a high, feminine voice. Reno stalked around the room, listening carefully, before coming upon the hall-closet and nodding his head. He yanked the door open, and reached in, struggling for a moment with something hiding behind the coats. Finally he pulled out a slender figure in a blue business suit, with a dark goatee.

"Reeve? What are -you-... Holy SHIT!" Reno cried, leaping away as if his hand had been burnt. The goatee had fallen free in the struggle, and now everyone could see that the wig on Reeve's head was askew, showing off lovely blond hair, and not-so-intelligent eyes.

"ELENA!!?" was the startled chorus of voices. Then Tifa fainted from lack of oxygen due to laughing and singing at the same time, Cloud went back into the bathroom, and Aeris resumed being dead.

"That's right!" She said, defensively. "It was my master plan! No one ever noticed that I was never around when Reeve was, or when Cait Sith was in the group. I controlled him all along in Reeve's guise! You see, I'm really a--"

"Elena, shut up." Reno said wearily.

Elena lowered her head for a moment, embarrassed, then snapped her eyes up again to fix on Vincent, with a smile. " that you all know who I am, I have an announcement to make." She pulled the Cait Sith control device from her pocket and pushed a few buttons quickly. Vincent, who had been nervously edging towards the door, gave a startled scream as the giant, waterlogged stuffed moogle grabbed him and lifted him off the floor. Elena's grin widened. "As of now, I am resigning from the Turks..." Rude and Reno looked utterly shocked. "...To marry my one TRUE love, Vincent!"

Vincent started screaming again, and began to kick and squirm in the grasp of the Cait Sith robot. Elena approached him and gave his cheek a pinch. She circled around to look him in the eye. "You see, Vincieboo, ever since I saw you, I forgot all about that silly old Tseng. Sure, he was handsome and cool and had really great hair, but can DRESS! You have wonderful hair, and your skin is so soft and pale, and your eyes are"

Yuffie piped up, "Round orbs of materia?" Elena considered this. "Your eyes are like round orbs of materia. That's...charming." Her eyes misted over as she thought about that. "Sparkling, magical, shimmering and deep...they hold my attention, like..."

Vincent took this moment to pull free of the stuffed moogle's grasp and run like hell. Elena snapped back to reality, looking stricken. "Waaait! Vincent-sama! We're meant for each other! You must believe me!" She leapt atop the Cait 'bot, dislodging the cat on top of it, and pushed the controls forward to full speed. With a horrid cracking sound, it ran straight through the wall, leaving the outline of itself and a cloud of dust. Elena picked herself off the floor and ran off through the hole after it. "Vincie-saaaaaama! Please! Waaaaaait! I need to hold you!"

Everyone stared at the hole in the wall for a minute, everyone but the dead Cetra, the fainted Tifa, and the absent Cloud. After a minute, Cid expressed their collective thoughts with a simple "What the $&%@ was THAT all about?" They shrugged and got back to the situation at hand after waking up a slightly delirious Tifa. "Do NOT!" "Do TOO!" "Do NOT!" "Do..."

Red slunk out from behind the cabinet and nudged Reno's leg. Rude was involved in his shouting match with Tifa and didn't notice. "What is it, cat?"

Red looked up at him, tail swishing rapidly. "Now that Elena's gone, there are only the two of you, am I right?" The Turk nodded, and Red pressed on. "Look, I'll level with you. Here, I'm the "calm, quiet voice of reason". I hate that. I'm a teenager at heart! I need to get out and be wild for a change! Here I'm a nonentity!"

Reno began to see where this was going, but he wasn't sure he believed it. "You...want to join the Turks?" Red nodded.

"I've been practicing looking cool, I really have. And I've had a suit custom made, it cost a fortune..." Reno stared at him, unsuccessfully trying to picture a suit wrapped around that body configuration. He was doing horribly at it and finally gave up.

"Look..." Reno paused. They really would look silly with just the two of them. The question was, would they look sillier with this thing following them around? He sighed. It didn't look as if they'd have much of a choice. "You're in. Go pack. We soon as Rude is done. Don't bother hurrying." Red gave a cheer and bounded off.

"Would BOTH of ya @!$#%'ers shutUP! I'm trying to have a @#$% memorial!" Cid yelled, clutching 1/64th soldier fragments to his chest. Although, it was probably more like 1/128th soldiers now, Tifa thought, as she cut off arguing with Rude.

What remained of the party gathered semi-solemnly around Cid and the charred, smashed remains of his display case and soldiers. Yuffie quietly rifled Barret's pockets for materia while Rude kept trying to sidle closer to Tifa, who finally had to shake a fist under his nose menacingly. Reno just rolled his eyes and yawned, slouching as usual.

Cid composed himself for a moment, taking a long, calming puff on his perpetual cigarette (he'd had a Time materia grafted onto it) before taking a deep breath. He lifted his head to the reddish sunset-light streaming through the window, then spoke slowly, and solemnly: "Dearly @#$% beloved, we are @#*&^%! gathered here to @#$%! remember my !@#$# 1/64th soldiers, that were so !@&*$% brutally slain in innocence... I would like to @#$%! remember each one of the !^&%$%ers in a series of short !@#$! poems..."

Yuffie plain burst out laughing, collapsing on the floor and rolling around, holding her stomach. "POEMS!? From the eternal male chauvinist!? POEMS!?" She was laughing so hard that materia was rolling unheeded from her pockets.

Barret shuffled uncomfortably. "Look man... if yer just gonna sit dere and spout dat crap, den I got better things to do. Get it?" With that, he stomped off, muttering something about pajamas, stepping absently over Aeris' dead body.

"Sorry, Cid." Tifa said, apologetically. She did kinda feel sorry for him.

"Hey, that's okay, babe. You can comfort me!" Cid threw a familiar arm around Tifa's shoulders and pinched her bottom. Tifa smiled charmingly at him, only the slight widening of her eyes belying her intentions. She grabbed his arm, twisted it backwards, and flung him over her shoulder, into the wall, then walked off, dusting her hands.

"@#$%&!" Said Cid, shaking his head groggily.

Reno rolled his eyes, again, then nudged Rude who was staring at Tifa's ... uh, departure, as Red came jogging out with a knapsack in his mouth, wearing a tailored black three piece suit and shades. Reno sighed, shook his head, and then, as one, the Turks and their newest member turned and strolled out the smashed door, into the sunset.

Cloud burst from the bathroom, his hair freshly washed, and freshly redone. The clatter of several cases of empty Aqua Net White cans as they rolled from the doorway of the bathroom startled Tifa into looking up. God, why did she EVER want THAT moron? He grinned idiotically at her, then posed stupidly, with one leg forward. When he finally noticed what he had put his foot on, however...

"Hey... is that... AERIS!? What happened!?" Cloud looked frantic.

"You killed her with your hair, numbskull. C'mon, help me get her out of here." Tifa shrugged, and bent, picking up the dead Cetra by her ankles, and hauling her out a side door with a shocked Cloud holding her shoulders.

"M-my hair?"

A sunset and a full dumpster with the an upside down Cetra in residence later, Tifa and Cloud re-entered the trashed villa. Cid was smoking and drinking tea, Barret was singing some idiotic song with "YMCA" in it from his place in the kitchen, and Yuffie was playing Cat's Eye with the leftover materia.

"Hooooly cripes, what a screwed up day!" Tifa said, as she flopped heavily on the couch. Not that it had been -all- bad. She chuckled contentedly to herself at the thought of Aeris' feet sticking up from all the rotten food and garbage in the dumpster. About then, a knock sounded on the remains of the villa's door. "NOW what?!"

Cloud shrugged uselessly, and walked over, wrestling the shambles away from the door frame. "Sephiroth!!" He gasped. The crew leapt to their feet and surrounded the doorway that black-clad Sephiroth filled. His silver-grey hair whipped in the wind, and his green eyes glinted menacingly, as the latin chorus swelled into immensity somewhere behind him.

"I have come..." He trailed off, and got a funny expression on his face.

"What?" Tifa asked, slightly exasperated with the pretty boy.

"I have..." World's most powerful and insane man looked fiercely at her, then crossed his legs abruptly, jigging up and down while declaiming in his smooth, rich baritone:

"I have to ... wee wee."

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