The Color War
[02.09.00] » by Daniel Seltzer
Tami's note: These are Daniel's descriptions of his three original characters. I've included them so that those of you unfamiliar with his work would have some idea of who these people are.
Hator Berserkin: A 7'6" warrior. He speaks almost entirely in grunts (except when he's angry), but his grunts are so incredibly
eloquent that this doesn't hamper his speech at all. He's easily the strongest of all of my MSTers and wields a falchion (a sort of
sword) that glows either red, yellow, or blue.
Yator Berserkin: A 5'0" healer. He whines and babbles constantly, and often won't shut up. He is extremely puny, and the others
often call him stupid.
Halzamon Harmoon: A sorcerer. He speaks almost entirely in sarcastic or pessimistic statements. He is arguably the most
powerful of my MSTers, if they all got into a fight, either he or Hator would win.
"3 Elanthians Walk into a Bar"
Ramza, Orlandu, Agrias, Mustadio, and the others desparately grabbed onto anything they could hold as the airship spun wildly in the air, and disintigrated...all eight of them, Ramza, Alma, Malak, Rafa, Orlandu, Agrias, Mustadio, and Meliadoul saw a final, blinding flash, then they all passed out.
They awakened to a void. They saw nothing, felt nothing but each other. They almost seemed to be floating in nothingness. There was no trace of the airship they were on. They all appeared to be totally unharmed, healed even of the minor damage they had taken in the not-so vicious fight against Altima.
"Where are we?" asked Alma.
"I don't know, Alma," replied Ramza, appearing nervous, "that battle seemed too easy...be ready, Ajora might attack us again."
Agrias disagreed. "Nah, don't worry about it. Ajora was a final boss...I mean, when was the last time you fought a difficult final boss?"
"Good point," Ramza agreed, "now, we have to get out of here. Can we even move?"
They attemped to move, and after some experimentation, discovered that simply by concentrating, they could move with their minds. However, about 50 or so feet in all directions, they reached an invisible wall that they could not penetrate.
Meliadoul, quite justifiably, got quite upset, "We're going to be trapped here for the rest of our lives!" She wailed, "I've lost all sense of time...we could have been here for years..." She began to cry.
Mustadio glanced at a device that he had unearthed in Goug a few years ago. He called it a "watch". It told the current date and time. Mustadio attempted to console Meliadoul, whom he was quite attracted to. "Don't worry, Melly. We've only been here for 16 minutes and 38 seconds."
Orlandu knew better than to be so optimistic. He stated, "Unless some miracle occurs, we're going to be here a lot longer."
Ramza made a final attempt. "Perhaps an attack of ours could break through that barrier. Everyone, try using anything you have against that barrier." He then muttered, "Too bad there's no such thing as an Exit spell in this game..."
However, their attempts were in vain. Two hours later—
Mustadio broke in. "Two hours, 8 minutes, and 46 seconds!"
Ahem...two hours later, they had tried everything they could think of, with no escape. The two female siblings (Alma and Rafa) began to weep in their respective brothers' arms.
Ramza tried to console his sister. "Don't cry, Alma, please don't cry. If all else fails, and we get very very bored here, we can always commit hari-kiri."
Rafa sobbed. "I'm too pathetic at fighting to kill myself, and so is my brother...we'll be trapped here for all eternity! What if we don't age?"
Mustadio disagreed. "No matter what, we'll just die of dehydration in a few days, anyways. Anyone else need me to perk them up?"
"Oh, THANKS." everyone else replied sarcastically.
Two years later...
"Actually, 2 years, 37 days, 12 hours, 56 minutes, and 14 seconds." Corrected Mustadio, who was glancing at his watch.
Whether they had aged or not, was impossible to tell in such a moderately short amount of time. What was certain was that their needs to eat and drink had been taken care of during their two year long torture of boredom.
While Mustadio was watching the seconds tick away, each member of the group was doing different things. Orlandu and Agrias were entertaining themselves with a game of cards. Ramza was sleeping, with his sister watching over him. Rafa and Malak were arguing over which one of them was the suckier character. Meliadoul was also having a friendly argument with Mustadio (after about a year and a half in their "exile", or, as Mustadio noted, 1 year, 189 days, 3 hours, 12 minutes, and 58 seconds, Meliadoul and Mustadio has gotten involved in a relationship with each other).
Mustadio argued, "If there's so much gender discrimination in video games, then why is this group split four males to four females?"
Meliadoul would not agree. "Well, for one thing, Ramza wasn't intelligent enough to find Cloud, Beowulf, Reis, and Worker 8. If he had, the gender balance would have been thrown off, 6-5, plus one robot."
Mustadio countered, "How about Crono Trigger? In that game, there were two males, one robot, and three females, and one of the females was the strongest physical fighter!"
"You're ignoring hidden characters which are easy to get again."
"Well, anyways, if the males are consistently stronger than the females, then why could either you or Agrias beat me into a pulp?"
"Perhaps, but look at ol' Thunder God Cid over there, playing poker with his marked deck. He could beat us all single-handedly."
"You have a point there...you're so good at showing me the truth...I guess that's why I love you..."
"When you feel that someone's more important than yourself, it may be love..."
Just as the two were about to embrace each other, Ramza woke up.
"I had a dream! We're going to be rescued!" Ramza shouted.
Ramza had a dream about being rescued at least once a week, if not more often. Alma always got really excited over these dreams, but everyone else was just annoyed by them.
"After two years, we'll finally be free to go home!" Ramza exulted.
"Actually, 2 years, 37 days, 13 hours, 2 minutes, and 56 seconds." corrected Mustadio.
Alma ignored Musty. "Everyone, come here! Ramza just had a dream!"
Everyone groaned. "This better not be like the one he had two days ago," muttered Malak.
"2 days, 1 hour, 23 minutes, and 34 seconds ago, to be exact." Mustadio noted.
Orlandu queried, "Mustadio, how do you manage to remember the exact time of every event?"
"What, you mean you can't do that?"
Ramza began to talk about his dream. "It was a joke." he stated.
Meliadoul was incensed. "You broke up a good loving moment between myself and my significant other to make a bad joke?"
Ramza attempted to explain. "No, no, the dream was a joke."
Melidoul got very upset at that point. She said some things that no genteel lady raised in a medieval culture should have said.
Ramza, staying perfectly calm, said, "No, I mean, I dreamt ABOUT a joke."
"Oh." Meliadoul said simply.
The others were getting quite bored by this point, except for Alma, who waited anxiously to hear Ramza's dream.
"You see, three guys walk into a bar. One's a gigantic warrior, perhaps even seven and a half feet tall. He has a falchion buckled at his side that is glowing with an eerie blue aura. The second guy is short, real short. Maybe not even quite five feet tall. I know he's an empath, but I have no idea what that means. Lastly, there's another guy, average in size, wearing a sorcerer's robe. So, they walk in and the sorcerer orders drinks for all three of them. They finish up, and then the bartender asks who's paying. The two taller ones point at the short guy. The short guy tries to write out a check, but the bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't take checks here.'
So the short guy replies, 'I'm sorry, I didn't realize that.' Then, the two other guys say, 'Yeah, but you're stupid.'"
Everyone was giving Ramza an incredulous stare. Even Alma looked somewhat surprised.
"Was that meant to be...uh...funny?" asked Malak.
"Gee, Ramza, I thought that one about the two plumbers coming through that pipe and rescuing us was stupid, but at least in that dream, they rescued us, instead of 3 guys making some weird psuedo-joke!" yelled Agrias.
"Somehow, I don't think this brings us much hope of ending our 2 year long confinement." Noted Orlandu.
"2 years, 37 days, 13 hours, 7 minutes, and 5 seconds."
Ramza, however, argued. "Don't you see? The dream was symbolic! Can't you see all the deep symbols presented within it? The ideals of truth, love, courage, honesty, compassion, valor, justice, honor, sacrifice, spirituality, and humility?"
"Ramza, this is Final Fantasy, not Ultima." pointed out Rafa.
"No, just wait! We'll be rescued, I swear!"
As if on cue, a glowing red square appeared in the middle of the group. Out of it stepped three people: A very tall man, 7'6", looking vaguely like Sephiroth and wearing a glowing blue falchion on his left side, a short guy, probably about 5'0", and a guy wearing sorcerer's robes.
The sorcerer was annoyed. "Damn! I knew there was something wrong with the gate's color! Look where we are now!"
"I don't see anything wrong with our current location." protested the short one.
"Yeah, but you're stupid." chorused the sorcerer and giant person in unison.
Ramza was estatic. "This is it! These are the people I was talking about! I told you I was right! These two years of unending nothingness are finally ending!"
"2 years, 37 days, 13 hours, 9 minutes, and 17 seconds."
Ramza was greeting their "rescuers". "What're your names?"
"Yator Berserkin." said the short one.
"Halzamon Harmoon." said the sorcerer.
Most strange of all, however, was the tall one's response. Instead of speaking, he grunted in a manner that said, "Hator Berserkin."
"HOW DID YOU GRUNT LIKE THAT?" all the FFT characters asked simultaneously.
Hator grunted in a manner saying, "What, you can't do it?"
"Don't worry about his manner of "speech", just get used to it." supplied Yator.
Halzamon continued to be upset. "How're we going to get home if our gates are unstable?"
Yator, unperterbed, asked Ramza, "Could you introduce me to each of you? And how did you get here, anyways? This doesn't look like the kind of place you visit voluntarily, to me."
"Yeah, but you're stupid." chorused Hator and Halzamon simultaneously.
Ramza began the introductions. "I am Ramza Beoulve. This is my sister, Alma Beoulve. She is Agrias Oaks, the guy who looks like Obi-Wan Kenobi is Orlandu, aka T.G. Cid, the two sucky ones are Rafa and Malak, he is Mustadio, and the green cloaked woman is Meliadoul."
Mustadio managed to set a story telling record by stating the entire plot of FFT in one sentence, without any puctuation. "Ramza was protecting the princess with Agrias and Gafgarion but Delita stole her and then Gafgarion betrayed them and he gave her back to them and then they went to Cardinal Draclau for help and I joined them and he showed us a Zodiac Stone and I had one too and we went to Goug to eliminate Bart Company and the Cardinal betrayed us so they were about to execute the princess but not really because it was a trap and we went to the Cardinal who used his Zodiac Stone to transform into a monster so we went to Lesalia to talk to Zalbag but we were declared heretics so we went to Orbonne to get a Zodiac Stone with Alma but Vormav got there first and Alma was kidnapped and we got these Germonik Scriptures so we went to Riovanes Castle to rescue Alma and Wiegraf showed up and turned into a monster and we beat him and then Vormav killed everyone and stole Alma away and Barinten was about to shoot Rafa but Malak stopped him and got shot himself and Elmdor who looks a lot like Sephy killed him and we fought Elmdor and the Zodiac Stone ressurected Malak and Elmdor left and Izlude gave us a Zodiac Stone and we fought Meliadoul and we went to Zeltennia to talk to Delita and Orlandu but Orlandu was at Bethla and we were still heretics so we stopped the war by flooding Bethla Garrison and then Orlandu came with us and we went to Limberry Castle to fight Elmdor and Meliadoul saw him transform into a monster with his Zodiac Stone and so she joined us and gave us her Zodiac Stone and some guys gave the elder brother Dycedarg a Zodiac Stone but Dycedarg killed Balbanes and Zalbag did not like that so he attacked Dycedarg and we killed him but he transformed into a monster with his Zodiac Stone so we killed him and then we attacked Murond Holy City where we killed Zalbag who was already dead and went to Orbonne and killed Balk a second time and fought Vormav who used his Zodiac Stone to turn into a monster who killed himself to cause Ajora to ressurect using Alma only Alma split in two and Ajora transformed into a demon and we killed Ajora and Altima exploded and now we are here." Mustadio paused for breath.
Halzamon and Agrias noticed something at the same time. "Hey, none of you have noses!" Announced Hal.
"What's that protrusion on your face?" queried Agrias.
Hator, always quick on his feet, grunted in a manner saying, "It's a benign tumor. A little painful, but nothing we can't deal with."
"Then why do you all have them?" questioned Agrias.
Yator replied, "Well, during the first few days, it's awfully contagious, but after that, it can't spread."
Alma, impatiently, asked Hator, "So when are you going to get us out of here?"
Hat grunted in a manner indicating that she should ask Halzamon. She did, and Halzamon responded, "Oh, yeah, it'd be a real good idea for me to open up another gate, and risk losing my soul in the process of doing so...never mind that something went wrong with my last gate, and could go wrong with my next one, teleporting us who knows where. Yeah, sounds like a real bright idea. Look, little girl, give me a few minutes."
"I'm not a little girl!" Alma protested.
"Yes you are."
"No I'm not!"
"Yes you are."
"No I'm not!"
"Yes you are."
"No I'm not!"
"Yes you are."
"No I'm not!"
"Yes you are."
"No I'm not!"
"Yes you are."
"No I'm not!"
"Yes you are."
"No I'm not!"
"Yes you are."
"No I'm not!"
Yator stepped in at this point. "Here, I'll open the gate."
Yator made an odd sign with his hand. A similar square opened, but this time it was orange, not red. "Damn," Yator said. "It's still not the right color...but I don't think being trapped here looks like fun..."
The FFT characters didn't hesitate. They practically leaped into the gate. Hator, Yator, and Halzamon exchanged glances, shrugged, and entered.
They appeared in an alley in a city, 6 feet in the air above a stone road. Nobody was seriously injured, but it DID hurt.
"Ouch..." winced Yator.
He made an odd gesture with his hand and suddenly looked much healthier. Ramza looked surprised and would have commented, except that he recognized where they were.
"We're in the town surrounding Zeltennia Castle. Everyone seems upset...I wonder what could have happened?"
At that moment, a crier entered the town square, right outside the alley. "I am sad to announce that his Majesty, King Delita Hyral, is not expected to live out the week. The wounds that he received a year ago fighting off the assassins of his beloved Queen Ovelia have finally grown too infected for him to resist much longer. His trusted advisor, Baron Clemence, has been adopted as 'Prince Clemence' and will become the next ruler of Ivalice."
"Of Empaths and Badly Cast Spells"
The group had gathered in an abandonded building to discuss the recent events.
"We have to visit Delita before he dies!" exclaimed Agrias.
"Why?" Asked all the other FFT characters.
"Hmm...good point...we need a plot device to get us there..." Mustadio said.
"Huh?" asked Yator, "Why are we trying to visit Delita?"
Hator grunted in a manner saying, "Because it says so in the plotline. Look here." Hator showed Yator a sheaf of papers.
"Hmm...'The characters should then attempt to talk to the dying Delita. They then—'" Yator read, then shouted as Hator ripped the papers away from his hands. "I was reading that!"
Hator grunted in a manner saying, "You're not allowed to read ahead. Only I am."
"That's not fair. I've never heard of this plotline in the first place, anyways." complained Yator.
"Yeah, but you're stupid." stated Hator and Halzamon.
"Anyways, we need a plot device that gives us an excuse to visit Delita. Since there aren't any obvious ones, let's split up." advised Ramza, "Myself, Alma, Mustadio, and Meliadoul will make up the first group. Orlandu, Agrias, Hator, and Halzamon will make up the second group. The third group will consist of Rafa, Malak, and Yator."
Yator argued, "I'm not all too strong, myself, and Rafa and Malak don't seem to be great either. I think it'd be more logical to split us three up between the groups, instead of grouping us all into one."
"Yeah, but you're stupid." chorused Hator and Halzamon, and, to Yator's surprise, several of the FFT characters. Apparently they were catching on.
"We'll meet up in two hours."
An hour later...
"58 minutes and 32 seconds, really." noted Mustadio.
"Whatever, we've been looking here for approximately an hour with no plot device in sight." Ramza said, worried. "What if we don't find one?"
"Even if we can't, I'm sure the others will." consoled Meliadoul.
Mustadio got this funny smile on his face. "Always so optimistic...I guess that's why I love you." he said.
"When you feel that someone's more important than yourself, it may be love..." said Meliadoul.
"You always say that. Wouldn't 'I love you too' be a little more effective?"
"Perhaps, but I'm not allowed to say that. Us video game characters are only allowed to indirectly refer to love of living people. We can hint at it, start to say it and stop, or even be prevented in the act of saying it, we can even 'love the person in our dreams' like Elly and Fei in Xenogears, but we can't say 'I love you.'" pointed out Meliadoul.
"But I say it all the time to you!" argued Mustadio.
"You're right...you'd better look out for the video game police, they might be after you."
At that moment, the conversation was stopped when four guards came down the alley. "Look!" shouted one of them, pointing at Ramza, "There's the heretic! Let's catch him for the reward!"
"Shouldn't they have taken those 'heretic' signs down a looooong time ago? We HAVE been missing and presumed dead for 2 years, after all." noted Ramza.
"2 years, 37 days, 14 hours, 32 minutes, and 19 seconds." said a certain engineer with a watch.
"Do you think this might count as a plot device to get us to visit Delita?" queried Alma.
Meliadoul disagreed. "I doubt it...the fact that Ramza's still a wanted heretic is more of a liability in trying to visit the king, really."
"Well, we'll have to hope the others find a way...let's take them." Ramza said.
Alma began to chant Mbarrier on Ramza. One of the guards attempted to attack Meliadoul, but she waved her sword and caused a Hellcry Punch to appear on the guard, causing his sword to break. She then finished off the guard with a swipe of her sword.
Meanwhile, Mustadio took out a guard with his Blast Gun. Ramza waited for his sister to finish casting her spell on him, then he descended upon the two remaining guards with his Chaos Blade. The battle was quickly over.
Ramza was still worried. "Well, we're totally lost now...we'd better try to find our way back."
"You're right...let's hope one of the others managed to find something." sighed Meliadoul.
"This city are huge!" exclaimed Agrias.
"'Are huge'?" asked Halzamon.
"Bad translation. You get used to it." explained Orlandu.
Hator grunted in a manner saying, "We still haven't seen anything that even remotely resembles a plot device..."
"We'll find one." stated Orlandu.
They wandered into a major square in the town. There were many people there; It was apparently market day. One man stopped and looked at them, then rushed over in surprise.
"You!" he exclaimed, pointing at Orlandu. "Are you Thunder God Cid?"
"I've been called that at times." Orlandu said.
"Wow! The real Orlandu! Can I have your autograph?"
Orlandu signed the slip of paper the man offered him obligingly. The man was about to leave, when he suddenly glanced at another member of their party.
"Oh man! Hator? Hator Berserkin?"
Hator grunted affirmatively.
"Wow! A real group of celebrities! Could I...have your autograph, too?"
Hator signed the same scrap of paper.
The man then turned away, and shouted at the top of his lungs, "HEY, EVERYONE! T.G. CID AND HATOR BERSERKIN ARE HERE SIGNING AUTOGRAPHS!!"
Everyone in the square, over 300 people, stopped and looked at the group. Then they all simultaneously rushed forward, wanting autographs.
Hator grunted in a manner saying, "Uh-oh...this is getting ugly."
"Let's run for it!" shouted Agrias.
The four ran away as fast as they could, with hundreds of autograph-seeking maniacs after them.
As for the third group...
"Well, it's almost time to go back...let's hope the others found something." whined Yator.
Rafa disagreed. "We should still look for a few more minutes..."
Yator was about to object, but at that moment, 5 gigantic men walked out of a nearby building. They were almost as tall as Hator, each was over seven feet tall.
"Give us all your money!" the lead man yelled.
Yator was frantically reaching for his belt pouch of silvers when Rafa yelled, "Never will we give in to such a cowardly attempt, you worthless brigands!"
"Rafa...I think we're seriously mismatched here." Yator warned.
"We outnumber them...we can take them."
"'We outnumber them'? Didn't you ever learn how to count?"
"All right, go ahead, fight..."
Malak charged forward and attacked the lead man. He took out a club and swung it at Malak. He struck Malak an incredibly weak, glancing blow on his arm. Malak, despite the seeming weakness of the blow, flew through the air and landed at Yator's feet, covered with blood.
Yator frantically examined Malak's body, then sadly shook his head. "I'm sorry, Rafa, but he's already dead. I can't do anything for him."
"My...dearest...brother...DEAD?? NO! I CANNOT LIVE WITH THIS PAIN! MY BROTHER, I SHALL JOIN THEE!"
Rafa took a dagger out and tried to plunge it into her chest, but her competence level can be shown by the fact that she accidentally stabbed it into the eye of the lead brigand, who was still about 10 feet away. It penetrated into his brain, causing him to go into spasms and kill another brigand in his convulsions before he died.
"Rafa! Run!" shouted Yator, who was already taking off.
Rafa ran a good distance, and managed to lose the brigands who were following her. Unfortunately, at that moment, a lava pit spontaneously appeared in front of her for no reason whatsoever. She ran into it and was quickly fried.
"This does NOT look good..." muttered Yator, frantically running, "I guess I'll have to try fighting..."
Yator drew his puny warhammer, which he had almost never used. He swung it at the closest brigand with all his might, and hit him right in the face.
A white "1" popped up over the man's head. Yator didn't know what that meant, but he did realize that he hadn't even affected the man. The man responded by swinging a sword at Yator, which hit him right in the chest. Yator screamed as he was horribly mauled. Desparately, he tried to prepare a curative spell to use on himself. He cast it just before the brigand struck again to finish him off.
The ensuing explosion was incredible. For several minutes, Yator could see nothing but white light. When his vision finally cleared, he saw nothing but rubble in a 2000 square foot radius. Nothing was left of the brigands (and any nearby citizenry) but piles of ash.
"Did...I do that?"
Yator then realized that he was also totally healed.
"Gee, I have to try that spell again sometime..."
"What's holding the others up?" wondered Ramza.
Mustadio agreed. "You're right, they were supposed to meet us two hours later, and it's been 2 hours, 12 minutes, and 5 seconds."
As if on cue, Orlandu and his group ran into the meeting place, exhausted.
"I...think...we lost them." panted Orlandu.
Hator grunted in agreement.
Halzamon said, "Sorry that we're late...we were...um...held up."
"It's no problem...did you find anything?"
Agrias said, sadly, "Nothing, unless you can count a mob of autograph-seekers as a plot device to help us have an excuse to meet Delita."
"Well, apparently, I'm still a marked heretic, but besides that, nothing." Ramza said.
"Maybe Malak's group found something." remarked Meliadoul.
"We can hope so." agreed Alma.
Yator, alone, entered at that point.
"Where's Malak and Rafa?" asked Ramza.
"Don't even ask...did anyone find anything?"
The two groups related their individual stories. Yator told his story afterwards.
Yator, distressed, said, "Well, I don't know what we're going to do...hey, why are you all staring at me like that?"
"Don't you get it?" said Halzamon.
"No, not really."
"Yeah, but you're stupid." said everyone in unison.
"What is it?"
Mustadio broke in. "We MUST warn the king that he has thieves roaming his beloved city! That's why we have to talk to Delita!"
"You know, I don't think a king who's going to die in a few days isn't going to care much about a couple of dead thieves."
"Yeah, but you're stupid."
"Yator, thanks for finding the plot device. May I have it?" asked Ramza.
"The plot device. Right there, on your belt." Ramza clarified.
Yator looked down at his belt, and, sure enough, there was a small circular electronic device attached to it. As he handed it over, he commented, "I think this is the stupidest pun I've heard in a long, long time."
"Yeah, but you're stupid." said everyone.
Ramza was examining the device. "Hmm...this is one of the newer ones."
"How can you tell?" asked Yator.
"Take a look at the buttons on it."
There were 5 buttons on the device. They were labeled Corny, Sappy, Stupid Humor, Confusing, and Immature. The Stupid Humor button was currently depressed.
"On the older ones, they also had Good and Original buttons, but they don't put those on the newer ones." explained Ramza.
"Hey, I like the plots in new games!" Yator protested.
"Yeah, but you're stupid."
Halzamon tried to hurry the group up. "Let's get going. How long have we been wasting time here?"
"32 minutes and 11 seconds."
Alma was worried about one thing, however, and mentioned it to her brother. "Ramza, if you're still marked as a heretic, then won't they capture you when you try to enter the palace?"
"Don't worry, sister. I have a Plot Device©. They can't fight against me as long as I wield one of these."
The others were not as certain, and entered ready to fight, if necessary.
The guard at the palace gate then accosted them. "No unauthorized entry allowed!"
"No, you must let us in! I hold the power of a Plot Device©!" countered Ramza.
The guard gasped. "A Plot Device©! No! Anything but a Plot Device©!"
"Let us through!" Ramza yelled, "Or shall I unleash my Plot Device© on you?" His finger moved next to the "Sappy" button.
"No, no, go on through! Here, I'll even take you right to the king!"
Outside King Delita's private chambers, two more guards tried to stop the party.
"Nobody may pass. The King is ill. What are you doing here?" one of them asked.
"You must let them through!" shouted the guard from the gate. "They have a Plot Device©!"
One of the guards swooned at the mention of a Plot Device©. The other guard paled. "Against a Plot Device©, I am powerless!"
"Uh-oh..." said Halzamon, "He said the 'P' word...you guys know what that means..."
Suddenly, some really cool music struck up. A huge humaniod mechanical device broke through the castle roof and landed in the building.
"Didn't he appear during the <spam> FFT MST?</spam> Several times, I believe?" Yator asked Halzamon.
"Yeah, but that takes place two months after this fic." replied Halzamon.
"56 days, 23 hours, 12 minutes, and 45 seconds." corrected Mustadio.
"Um....Mustadio...how did you figure out THAT using a watch?"
"This is a very good watch." Mustadio replied defensively.
"Oh, I didn't realize that." answered Yator.
"Yeah, but you're stupid." said all the characters.
"I am Grahf, seeker of power. Doth thou desire the power?"
Yator nervously asked a question. "Uh...Grahf. How do you manage to appear every time someone protests about not having enough power? I don't see how you can do it!"
"Yeah, but you're stupid."Grahf replied.
"That line is getting waaay too popular." Yator noted.
Hator grunted in a manner saying, "Grahf, you don't want to fight Ramza. He has a Plot Device©!"
"A Plot Device©? NO! I must flee!"
Grahf disappeared as quickly as he had appeared.
The soldier quickly let them in.
Delita Hyral, King of Ivalice, was not doing very well. In fact, he would probably be dying soon. Medical care, including the best of priests, could not heal his wounds which he supposedly received fighting off assassins who were sent to kill the late Queen Ovelia. Delita had been lapsing in and out of conciousness for days, and even when he was awake, he was rarely able to comprehend what was going on.
However, when Ramza, his group, a 7'6" man with a glowing blue falchion, a man in sorcerer's robes, and a midget entered his room, his ability to comprehend the current situation remarkably increased.
"Ramza? Am I coming to join you in the afterlife?" gasped out the dying king.
"I'm not dead, Delita."
"Then where have you been for the last 2 years?"
"2 years, 37 days, 17 hours, 1 minute, and 1 second." Mustadio, as always, corrected, after checking his watch.
"Trapped in a void. These guys saved us." said Ramza, pointing to Hator, Yator, and Halzamon.
"How did you get here to visit me?"
"I used this." Ramza showed Delita the Plot Device©.
"How...have you obtained such power?"
Orlandu cut in. "This isn't a good Plot Device©, this is one of the crummy new ones. Why, back in my days, we had real Plot Devices©, that could provide good and original plots, and we liked them, too!"
"Um...of course you liked them...isn't that because they were better?" asked Meliadoul.
"Oh, never mind that." grumbled Orlandu.
Yator told Delita. "I can heal you."
"I doubt that...many people have already tried. This is a plot-related death, however, so it can't be healed by magic." Delita disagreed.
Yator pointed out something, though. "Where I come from, there is no plot. Thus I can heal you."
Ramza asked Yator a question. "How do your healing powers work, anyways?"
"Well, I'm what's called an 'empath'."
"You detect others' feelings?"
"No, no, nothing like that. I have healing spells, but they only work on myself, and—"
"You can't detect any feelings from me at all?"
"No, I can't. Anyways, however, I can transfer wounds from one person to myself, and then heal them."
"YOU CAN'T DETECT ANY EMOTION FROM ME AT ALL?" thundered Ramza.
"Well...uh...I seem to detect some irrational rage and anger..." Yator whimpered.
"Oh. Good then."
Yator realized something, then. "The last time I tried to cast a healing spell, it did its job quite well, but it also levelled a good portion of your city. I don't know if I can safely heal those wounds once I take them..."
Ramza realized something then. "We're not getting anywhere with this conversation. However, we still possess a Plot Device©, so we can do whatever irrational thing we want! Any ideas?"
Halzamon had one. "I'll open up another gate!" Before anyone could stop him, he had already made the sign.
A square opened up, but this time, it was not any color at all, but instead a array of many colors. A maelstorm flew out of the square and sucked everyone in the room in.
However, the Plot Device© used its amazing powers to fight off the maelstorm until the very last second. It was thus taken to a different location then the characters were. To be specific, it ended up in the Mario world. With the Stupid Humor button still depressed, it continued to emit its power. And thus was born the game, "Super Mario RPG."
(Note from the author: I thought SMRPG was a pretty good game. However, I just thought a lot of the humor in it was stupid. Some of it was actually quite funny. Please don't flame me.)
As they flew through the gate, Agrias had a worried thought...the last time, the gate had taken them 6 feet in the air...what if, this time, the gate took them 6 feet underground?
Fortunately, they landed right on solid ground. A huge rock monster immediately rose up out of the ground, however, and attacked them.
According to Mustadio, they had won the battle in exactly 12 seconds. It was not one of the greatest challenges of their careers.
"So where are we?" asked Alma.
"I have no idea." aaid Ramza, walking over Delita as if he wasn't there.
They then noticed a larged domed building on the top of a cliff, and decided to head towards it. Delita remained unnoticed.
"Hey! Weren't you going to heal me!" ahouted Delita, but they seemed not to notice him.
A Plot Device© is a copyrighted trademark of Deus Ex Machina, Incorporated. All Rights Reserved, and Patents Pending.
"<FONT>, Damnit! <FONT>!"
"Hmm..." Yator muttered, "How many crossovers have we had in this fic so far?"
Hator grunted in a manner answering, "Well, we have FFT characters in it, we've had Grahf from Xenogears appear, Ramza referred to the Ultima games, Meliadoul mentioned Chrono Trigger, the Plot Device© ended up in the Super Mario RPG world, and we're currently in the FF7 world. So we have 6."
"We're in the FF7 world? I didn't realize that." Yator replied, surprised.
"Yeah, but you're stupid." everyone answered.
"Ramza said that Orlandu looked like Obi-Wan Kenobi, which is a Star Wars reference. That makes 7 crossovers." corrected Agrias.
"That's still not very many..." said Halzamon, worried, "maybe we should have a few more."
"Parasite Eve?" suggested Orlandu.
"Man, it's hot out here. Or is that just me?" muttered Mustadio.
"Ok, ok, NO Parasite Eve." Orlandu quickly corrected.
"What about Brave Fencer Musashi?" suggested Meliadoul. "We could randomly say things in red like this without any real pattern to it?"
"How do you speak in red?" asked Mustadio.
Alma attempted to explain. "You need to use HTML tags. You say <font color=red>, and end it with </font>."
Mustadio attempted it. "<font color=red>Like this?</font>"
"No, no, you have to EMPHASIZE the tags. Say them properly in HTML so that they don't appear." explained Ramza.
"You know, I think this entire conversation is incredibly dumb." said Yator.
"Yeah, but you're stupid."
Mustadio tried again. "<font color=red>Like this?</font>...<font color=red>Like this?</font> <font color=red>Like this?</font> Damn, I can't do it!"
"Try one last time." advised Agrias.
"Like this?</font> Yes! I got it!" Mustadio jumped for joy.
"Ok, now, Mustadio, close the font tag." Agrias told him.
"</font>. </font>. </font>! Help! I can't do it!"
"Great, I knew something was going to happen like this when I saw this chapter's title." muttered Halzamon.
"</font>, damnit! </font>!"
The group, trapped in red until Mustadio managed to hone his HTML skills a little more, continued towards Cosmo Canyon.
"How much longer do we have until we make it there? And how long until this red ends?" asked Meliadoul.
Mustadio broke off from yelling "</font>!" at the top of his lungs. "32 minutes and 12 seconds. And the red will end in 3 hours, 12 minutes, and 54 seconds."
"I want a watch like that." Halzamon said.
"</font>....damn, didn't work. Well, there's no way I'm giving it to you. I <b>LIKE</b> my watch."
"Please, Mustadio, don't try any other HTML tags...I'd hate to get stuck in bold...or worse yet, wingdings." Ramza pleaded.
Yator asked, "Hey, Mustadio, according to your watch, how much longer until people stop calling me stupid?"
"Let me check...hmm...I can't find that."
After about half an hour, (31 minutes and 46 seconds) the group arrived at Cosmo Canyon.
"Are we going to make any Fritz Fraundorf references here?" asked Yator.
Hator grunted negatively.
"Too bad...I think those would be cool."
"Yeah, but you're stupid."
A lion-like creature with red fur walked out in front of them. "Welcome to Cosmo Canyon. I am Nanaki. You, however, may call me Red 13."
"Red 13? Whatever happened to 2-12?" asked Halzamon, incredulously.
"Uh...where's Red 1, for that matter?" wondered Yator.
Hator grunted in a manner saying, "In SaGa Frontier." , thus adding a 10th crossover to the fic.
"Oh, yeah, I forgot about him." said Yator.
"Yeah, but you're stupid." said everyone, even Red 13.
Red 13 continued. "You must be the ones that my grandfather, Bugenhagen, was talking about. He wishes to see you."
Hator grunted in a manner asking, "Isn't Bugenhagen dead?"
"No, no. I said he had left on a journey. Sheesh, does everyone have to take everything symbolically? He was going on a pleasure cruise in the FF1 world." Red explained.
"11 crossovers." Halzamon noted.
"I will take you to a place where you can wait until grandfather can see you. Oh, may I ask why the entire world is being typed out in red?"
Everyone pointed to Mustadio, who was continually shouting out, "</font>! </font>!"
"Oh. I see. Humans...always trying to accomplish what is beyond their ability." muttered Red.
Red took the group to the Cosmo Candle, then left on some business. They all stayed near the fire.
"Could someone explain what this world's story is?" asked Orlandu.
"I can! I can!" Mustadio shouted excitedly.
"How do you know it?" Orlandu asked.
"I can describe the plot of any game in 1 sentence." Mustadio explained.
"Really? Let me test this...describe the plot of SaGa Frontier."
Mustadio said nothing.
Everyone turned to each other. "Man, he's GOOD." said Ramza, stunned by his companion's prowess.
"All right, Mustadio, explain the plot of this world's game."
"Cloud and Barret and Biggs and Wedge and Jessie were members of AVALANCHE and blew up Mako reactor #1 in Midgar and then they blew up Mako reactor #5 and then Cloud fell down into the slums and was found by Aeris in a church and they escaped from the Turks and they headed towards sector 7 to find Tifa but Tifa had been captured by Don Corneo so Cloud dressed up as a girl to get into the Don's mansion and then he found out that Shinra was going to destroy sector 7 and they did and Aeris got kidnapped so they went to the Shinra building and freed Aeris and met Red 13 and then they got captured and then Sephiroth came in and killed everyone and opened the lock on their cell doors for no conceivable reason and then he killed President Shinra so Rufus was the President and Cloud fought him and Rufus ran away and then they got out of Midgar on a motorcycle and then they went to Kalm Town where Cloud had a flashback about how Sephy annihilated his hometown after discovering that he was a genetic creation based off of Jenova cells and then Cloud couldn't remember what happened when he fought Sephy and they followed Sephy into the Mithril Mines where they met the Turks again and then they met Yuffie and then they went to Junon Town where they saved Priscilla and Cloud disguised himself as a Shinra guard and he went into the parade and really sucked at it and then he did much better saluting Rufus at the dock and then they sneaked onto a ship and then they found Sephy in the engine room and he summoned Jenova*BIRTH and they beat her and Sephy flew off and they went to Costa Del Sol and they then went to North Corel where everyone hated Barret and then they went to the Golden Saucer where they met Cait Sith and they found that someone with a gun-arm had killed everyone and they got accused of it and was thrown down to the prisons and they met Barret who didn't do it and it was his old friend Dyne who did it and Dyne was insane and they killed him and then they won their freedom by racing on chocobos and then they followed Sephy to Gongaga town where they fought the Turks and then they went to here in Cosmo Canyon which has cool music where they found out that Red 13 was joining them permanently and then they went to Nibelheim which wasn't burned down and there were weird guys in black cloaks and they went to the Shinra mansion and fought something that was way too big to fit in a safe but it was in a safe and then they met Vincent and then they went through Mount Nibelheim and then they went to Rocket Town, where they met Cid, who was angry because Shera was an imbecile and screwed up the launch of a rocket many years ago and Shinra wouldn't finance another launch and then they tried to steal the Tiny Bronco but Palmer tried to stop them and they beat him and he got run over by a truck and they jumped on the Tiny Bronco and so did Cid and then the Bronco got shot down by Shinra and they could only use it as a boat and then they went to Wutai where Yuffie stole their materia and they got it back after beating Don Corneo with the Turk's help and then they went to the Gold Saucer where they got the Keystone and then Cloud went on a date with either Aeris or Tifa or Yuffie or Barret and the Tifa date was the coolest for me and then Cait Sith was revealed as a traitor who was a robot controlled by Reeve who gave Tseng the Keystone and then he stayed with them for no conceivable reason whatsoever and then they went to the Temple of the Ancients where Tseng was dead and they went in there and they found out that Sephy was trying to destroy the world with a meteor to become an ultimate being and he needed the black materia to do this so the group tried to keep it out of his hands by having Cait Sith sacrifice his robotic body to free the black materia and he did and then they took the materia but Sephy had Cloud have a Pokémon (12 crossovers) induced seizure and Cloud gave him the materia and then Cloud started attacking Aeris and Cait Sith No 2 appeared and then Aeris disappeared and they woke up in Gongaga Town and they went to the Forgotten Capitol and Sephiroth killed Aeris and they fought Jenova*LIFE and then they went out to Icicle Inn where they met Elena and she fell down the slope and they found out the history of Aeris and they snowboarded down to a really annoying glacier where they met Holzoff who helped them get up Gaia's Cliff to the Northern Crater where they met Sephy who summoned Jenova*DEATH and then they got back the black materia which was on Jenova for some reason and then Cloud gave it to Red 13 and then they entered someplace that looked like Nibelheim 5 years ago only Zack entered instead of Cloud and Sephy claimed that Cloud was only created 5 years ago after the incident and was just a failed Sephy clone and Cloud seemed to not believe him and then Shinra arrived and they gathered where the original Sephiroth's body was and then Sephy disguised himself as Tifa (you all knew he was a crossdresser) and he makes Red 13 bring the black materia to Cloud who goes insane and apologizes to everyone and gives Sephy the black materia and then all hell breaks looks and Tifa wakes up a week later and Meteor had been summoned and there are 5 weapons wreaking general havoc and they are going to be executed for causing this problem and then Cait Sith helped them just before they were executed and then they escape and Shinra uses the Sister Ray to destroy the attacking Weapon and then they escape on the Highwind which you now own and they find Cloud at Mideel but he wass in a catatonic state from Mako poisoning and Tifa stays with him and they try to find huge materia and they found two in North Corel and Fort Condor and then they looked in on Cloud and Ultimate Weapon who was a good deal weaker than the other 3 weapons that they would fight attacked and they defeated it but it leveled the town and then Tifa psychoanalzyed Cloud and Cloud recovered completely and they realized that Cloud was not in SOLDIER but was just an ordinary Shinra guard and then they got a huge materia in Junon and then they got a final one on Cid's rocket and then Bugenhagen takes them to the Forgotten Capitol where he shows them that the white materia will summon Holy and stop Meteor and Aeris had the white materia and had used it but they must kill Sephy to allow her spirit to return to the planet and then Diamond Weapon attacks Midgar and they fight it and weaken it and then the Sister Ray kills it but it kills Rufus at the same time and the barrier around the northern crater is destroyed and then Hojo tries to use the Sister Ray again to help Sephy who is his son but the group goes into Midgar and stops Hojo and kills Heidegger and Scarlet and the group enters the northern crater and fights Jenova*SYNTHESIS and then they fight Bizzaro Sephy and then they fight Safer Sephy and then comes a really weird ending that nobody really understands." Mustadio explained, concisely.
"Uh...could you repeat that?" asked Orlandu.
Mustadio, however, ignored him, and started yelling "</font>! </font>! Hey! I closed the tag! Yay!"
Something occurred to Halzamon then. "Wait a minute...I thought humanity was wiped out by Meteor at the end of FF7? What's going on here?"
Hator grunted loudly in a manner saying, "What are you talking about? Aeris called up the lifestream and saved mankind, except for those in Midgar!"
Mustadio yelled, "No way! The planet called up the lifestream, which saved mankind from Meteor, and those in Midgar were saved because Reeve had moved them all into the slums, so very few died!"
Yator gave his opinion. "You're all wrong! Mustadio, though you were mostly right, it wasn't the planet which summoned the lifestream! It was the Holy spell which did it!"
"IDIOTS!" they all shouted at once.
A brawl began to occur between the characters who were knowledgable about FF7, which the FFT characters (sans Musty) watched in confusion.
"You know, we could have been saved a lot of grief if Square had bothered to make a coherent ending." Alma noted.
Hator swung his blue-glowing falchion at Mustadio, who took a shot with his Blast Gun at Yator, who dived out of the way just in time, only to be caught by one of Halzamon's spells. Yator screamed as several of his bones were broken.
Mustadio tried to jump away from Hator's falchion, but Hator reversed the direction of the blow and caught Musty right in his shoulder. Mustadio passed out as an icy coldness ran through his body.
Halzamon prepared another spell to use against Hator, but Hator was charging at him with his falchion. Hator slashed Hal in the chest just as Halzamon's spell went off, breaking Hator's leg.
The 5 remaining characters stared at the carnage, noticably confused. Red 13 then walked over. "What was the source of all that noise, might I ask?"
He then looked at the badly wounded bodies of the 3 Elanthians plus Mustadio on the ground. "Oh dear, oh dear...was this, perchance, an argument over the ending of this world's game?"
A few of the FFT characters who were recovering their wits nodded.
"Sheesh, you silly humans. I mean, it should be obvious how it ended, due to the laughter of children being heard in that scene with me 500 years later (even though I should have been dead by then, even with my race's longevity—)"
Mustadio, slowly regaining conciousness, interrupted, "496 years, 223 days, 45 minutes, and 34 seconds."
Red continued. "Clearly, humanity, unfortunately, survived. Also, it was Holy which called up the lifestream."
Yator mumbled, "I knew I was right."
"Yeah, but you're stupid." everyone said.
"That comment makes NO sense in that usage."
Red 13 said, "Here, I have a FullCure materia. Let me heal you."
Yator interrupted. "WAIT! Something's been going wrong with magic! One of my spells—"
It was too late, however. Yator expected to be turned into a frog, or something similar, and he was surprised when the spell worked perfectly and they were all healed.
"Gee, maybe it was just my own incompetence which caused that to happen to my spell earlier." Yator wondered.
Halzamon pointed something out. "It couldn't have been. When I casted my spell on Hat, it partially backfired and took effect on both of us. My leg was broken too."
"Why are only our spells failing?"
"Perhaps Red was only lucky...or maybe..." he broke off, then asked Red a question. "How does your magic operate?"
"We use materia to contact the spirits of the Ancients in the Planet and then we draw on their knowledge to cast a spell."
"That is quite different from how ours operates...perhaps Bugenhagen might know."
Red 13 was then reminded why he came back here in the first place. "Grandfather wishes to see you now."
The group of 10 walked up Cosmo Canyon into Bugenhagen's observatory. Bugenhagen was waiting there, watching the group enter, nodding at each one as though he expected them. When he saw Mustadio, however, he stopped in shock.
"YOU!!" he shouted. "You thought you could get away with Leg Aiming me, did you? I bet you thought you could cripple me for life? However, I bet you never even considered a permanent float spell...now I WILL extract my revenge on you!"
"But...<b>WAIT!</b> That episode occurred 45 years, 342 days, 1 minute, and 2 seconds ago!"
Ramza stared at Mustadio. "Um...Mustadio, you're not that old."
"Oh. Good point. It must have been my <b>father</b> who did it, then."
Agrias begged something of Mustadio. "Please, Mustadio, don't use HTML tags. My heart skips a beat every time you attempt to use them. What if you try to speak in Wingdings, get the first font tag correctly, and then can't close it? This entire fanfic could become incomprehensible!"
"Not like it's comprehensible now." Halzamon pointed out.
Bugenhagen changed his mind on Musty's fate. "Well, I guess I can't punish you for the crimes of your father...but if you ever see Besrodio, tell him to beware Bugenhagen...I still haven't forgiven him for that incident!"
"What were you doing meeting him, anyways?" asked Mustadio.
"I wanted to observe a game that actually had a suckier translation than ours."
"You should have checked out the BOF2 world, then. They had the worst translation I'd ever seen." Mustadio netted the 12th crossover.
"Perhaps, but it goes against my morals to visit a world that has both a sucky game and a sucky translation."
"That makes sense, I suppose."
Hator grunted in a manner inquiring, "Say, Bugenhagen, aren't you supposed to do that 'hoo, hoo, hoo' thing?"
"I decided it made me sound too much like Santa Claus."
Red 13 tried to get the plot moving again. "Grandfather, show them what is approaching."
"Ah, yes. Take a look in this telescope. Shinra helped me finance the cost of this telescope. It can see past the ends of the universe."
Yator was confused. "I didn't think that was possible."
"Yeah, but you're stupid."
Halzamon remembered something. "Due to the speed of light, shouldn't this telescope show events that happened trillions of years ago, if you look past the ends of the universe?"
"1.23*10^13 years, 4 days, 59 minutes, and 1 second ago."
"Never mind that." said Bugenhagen, irritatedly. "Just look through the telescope."
Yator, due to his short stature, kicked a rock over, stood on it, and looked through the telescope.
He saw an oddly colored meteor about a fourth of the size of the universe. He gasped in shock.
"Yes." said Bugenhagen. "That is the ultimate meteor, greater even then the one summoned by the black materia. This one is large enough to rip a hole in the fabric of the universe and killEVERYTHING, not just this one world, but all worlds. It was summoned by the fuchsia materia."
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