Generic Vampie Story

[01.27.00] » by David Solomon

Count Melville stood in his secluded castle in Transylvania. His loyal assistant, Mouse Loaf (who was neither a mouse nor a loaf of something) entered the room.

"Something bothering you, oh great master of all that nobody cares about?"

"Movse Luf," he began. "I have grown bored vith the blood in Transylvaaaaania. Put bluntly, it sooks. Leeteraly. Eet tastes lak poorly prepared mud."

"Perhaps you need some fresh blood that comes from people that try not to attempt to think about wanting to be real."

"Vreat idea, Movse Luf! Next stooop, Kalm!"

Cloud Strife stood in his happy little (big…his condo, I mean. Little just makes it sound cozy, or snug…eeeeee! Cute word) condo…but you already knew that. He sat on his couch vegetating like a tomato (is that a fruit or vegetable? Who knows…I don't! Bob Barker might know). At that point, Tifa entered.

"You know, Tifa," Cloud began. "I like being unemployed. You know, it's just like being employed, except you don't have to do anything."

Tifa, who had come home from a hard day's work at Microsoft headquarters (there was a big debate over whether something was a bug or a new feature), was almost driven insane by the mention of this statement. "I swear, Cloud…"

"Of course you do! I do, too! In fact, lots of people swear! Swearing is a great thing. If it weren't for swearing, we wouldn't have people like Chris Rock, or shows like Scared Straight."

Tifa, confused by the interuption, decided to instead say, "Bill Gates was acting kind of weird today."

"I know."

"You do?"

"Yeah, who doesn't? Bill Gates has horrible people skills and always takes drugs. Didn't you see Pirates of Silicon Valley?"

"That's Steve Jobs, you moron!"

"No, Tifa. It would be Steve's job. Do you need to go back to school? In fact, let me call Kalm Elementary right now."


"What's the phone number? Is it 1-800-97-JENNY?"

"No, Cloud. That's for Jenny Craig."

"Then what's the phone number?"

"Cloud, if you would just shut up and listen to me for one second, I could get the thought that's in my head out of my head, and I could actually get on with my life!"

Cloud said nothing.

"Thank you. As I was saying…"

"One second is over. What's the phone number?"

For the next 347 hours, Tifa proceeded to bash a cardboard box over Cloud's head. The cardboard box eventually gave way, unfortunately, and Tifa was forced to choose between the shoe and the screwdriver. She picked the shoe, but by that time, 347 hours had already passed, and Tifa had to stop.

"Will you listen to me now, Cloud?" She asked.

Cloud nodded.

"Thank you. As I was saying, before I was SO RUDELY INTERUPTED BY SOMEONE THAT APPEARS TO HAVE THE IQ OF A SANDWICH!" Tifa waited for a second, to make sure Cloud wouldn't say anything. "Good. Cloud, Bill Gates was acting particularly strange, today. You see, he was biting people. A lot. You know, like Christian Slater, only more so. I decided it was no big deal, until I realized that those he had bit were biting others. Pretty soon, they were all coming at me, trying to bite me, so I jumped out the window. Only, it wasn't a window, it was a piece of the wall painted to look like a window, so instead I crashed into the next room. There, I saw this strange person working on a Mary Worth comic…"

72 hours later…

"…and then I got home." Cloud nodded.

"What do you make of it?"

Cloud, changing the subject, said, "You know, we should technically be dead. We haven't eaten or drunk anything for 429 hours."

"Well, then, let's go to Blimpies!"

*cough cough* product placement *cough cough*

Melville stood in the middle of the street. Hundreds of new vampires were behind him.

"Vun, my cheeldran," he stated. "Spved vy powver!"

The vampires then proceeded to run into each other.

"Vun in diverent directions, vu eedeots!"

What was left of the FF7 team (that means everyone except Aeris, for those of you that don't know. I mean, after all…well…er…yeah) was now standing in a big government building in a secret room. The secretary of defense was in the middle of the room.

"I know this is hard to understand," he began. "But Kalm has been taken over by vampires."


"Wow, Red," Barret began. "You're really upset by this, aren't you?"

"Yeah," Red responded. "I mean, you have no idea how long I've been trying to beat Metroid 2 for the Game Boy. My save just got erased!"

"What about the vampires?" Barret asked.


"Well, that was certainly a waste of space," Cait Sith muttered.

"What were we talking about?" The secretary of defense asked.

"Vampires," Vincent pointed out.

"Oh, right. To aid in your problem, I will give you four people to help you on your quest."

"Four peep holes?" Cid asked. "That's certainly something I could use. Where do they go?"

"No…four people. Number one: James Woods. You may remember him from Vampires."

"I kill vampires by impaling them with lots of sharp objects," James said.

"Number two; Wesley Snipes; aka Blade."

"I'm cool because I'm dramatic," he said.

"Number three; Chris Rock."

"Chris Rock?" Cloud asked. "I was just talking about him!"

"Yo, wuz up, mutha !@##? What sorta !@#$ is goin' on in this @#@hole?"

"Oh, you'll have to excuse him," The secretary stated. "Just a second." The secretary placed a chip on Chris Rock's temple. "There. That should make him just a little bit more bearable."

"Hey, what da heck did you put on my head, mutha darn! You piece of sheesh!"

"It's still in development stages."

"Who's the fourth guy?" Yuffie asked. "Maybe IT WILL ACTUALLY BE A WOMAN YOU SEXIST PIG! OINK OINK OINK OINK OINK!"

"Tom Green."

"*@#%*&!#@&!%@!*#@ this! I'm going home!" Yuffie accidently walked out the window and fell inside a giant pool of your mom. She died instantly.

"Hey, you like bananas?" Tom asked Red. Before Red could answer, Tom shouted "YOU MADE ME BREAK MY BANANA!!"

As the banana screaming continued, the secretary added, "I hope this party will further your ability to stop the vampire invasion.

Cloud, Barret, Tifa, Red XIII, Cait Sith, Vincent, Cid, James Woods, Blade, Chris Rock, and Tom Green stood on the street. In front of them stood 50 vampires. And now for a poetic interlude.

Vampires are really cool

Just like your own pool

The fact that they've got fangs is

Nothing compared to when you whiz

My name is Joe Pesci

My favorite food is Spaghetti

That's good in the Serengetti

Unless your file is petty

The gender of Flea is unknown

Not even if it played a trombone

If you must, I'll tell you

That I've got over nine shoes

The truth of the matter is that

I know how many lives a cat

Truly, honestly, really has

The fake word of the day is zaz

James Woods instantly leaped at a vampire, impaling it with several sharp objects he had picked up on the street. Blade stood in the middle and started wiping out vampires like Bill Clinton's career. Chris Rock started to talk.

"What's the darning deal with lactose intolerance? I'll darning bet there ain't none of that sheesh in any heckhole like the United States!"

Tom Green, meanwhile, shouted, "You bastards broke my banana!" And began beating a vampire with it. Cloud, on the other hand, just cast Knights of the Round and called it a day.

"Makes things too easy, doesn't it?" he said.

With the vampire threat out of the way, they all hitched a ride to Transylvania. They were now standing in front of the castle, about to attack it.

"We must be very quiet," Cloud pointed out.

"YOU MADE ME BREAK MY BANANA!!" Tom Green shouted, and began wildly jumping up and down.

"Shut your darn face, mother darner!" Chris Rock shouted. The two began to fight.

"They're vampires!" James Woods shouted, and began impaling them with a lot of sharp objects.

"Did James Woods just kill Tom Green and Chris Rock?" Vincent asked.

"Yup," Cloud responded. Just then, guards came out of the castle and were heading towards them.

"This has got to be a dream," Cloud thought to himself.

Cloud woke up in his bed. Apparently, it had just been a dream. He got out of his bed, and walked towards the table for breakfast.

"Tifa," he began. "I just had the strangest dream. I dreamt that vampires had taken over the world, and Tom Green was angry that his banana was broken."

"That sure is a weird dream!" Tifa said over cheerfully. "I'll go get you some Mayfield Milk! Comes from the freshest cows!"

Cloud started getting suspicious as Aeris ran into his room shouting, "Your life isn't real! It's a TV show! My real name's Sylvia, Truman!"

"What…" Cloud looked all around. "This must be a dream…"

Kefka woke up. He got out of bed, and in his living room, he found Exdeath!

"Come on, Kefka," he said. "We're going to be late! The fish are easiest to catch in the morning."

They drove to the lake and got in a boat. In no time at all, they were fishing in a lake.

"You know, Exdeath," Kefka stated. "This is the life. I could do this all day."

All of a sudden, Saddam Hussein blew up the entire world with a nuke dropped from a jet. He was listening to Korn.

As Kefka laid floating in the water, two tentacles coming out of his head, he muttered "This must be a dream…" But it wasn't. Kefka was dead.

Count Melville suddenly realized that him and Exdeath were the only two people left on earth.

"Ve vust vreed in order to survive!" Melville shouted.

"No way, man!" Exdeath shouted. "I don't swing that way!"

For the next 345 hours, Exdeath ran away from Melville, until he died from starvation. Melville suddenly realized that the sun was out, and turned to stone. Wait…no. That's not violent enough. Let me start over. Melville started bleeding from every part of his body, as layers of skin began to rip off of him. Then, he blew up. Nobody was left on the planet. Except Cid. Headmaster Cid. The tall, nerdy looking one. He had lots of stacks of books set up.

"Hahaha!" He shouted. "I can read books forever! And I have all the time I need! Nobody can bother me!"

All of a sudden, his glasses fell off of him and broke. He stood looking at the glasses. "It's not fair," he muttered. Now there was nobody left on the planet. All of a sudden…wait…there's nobody left. Almost forgot. Time for another poem!

And so the world is dead

As sad as the newly wed

Cloud Strife, who was no more


But Kefka did not die in vain

Just with a great deal of pain

Same for Melville, who blew up

At least he wasn't a cute pup

So my pointless story comes to an end

By writing it, I have made amend

Now I expect from readers much abuse

Saying that leather control wraps have a better use

But no, I don't want any of that

All I want is Irvine's cool hat

And maybe a few sticks of gum

And Rinoa's…er…I can't say that word can I…DARN!!!!!!!!!!!! Now the poem is ruined! Oh, well.

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