Pretty SOLDIER Sailor Barret

Cait: Hmm... It's got to be around here somewhere... (They come to a place where the tunnel splits.) Oh man... which way to go?

Barret: I think we go to the right.

Cait: Why do you say that?

Barret: I dunno... just a hunch.

(They travel on for a while longer, until...)

Barret: $#@&! I stepped on something $#%&in' sharp!

Cait: (looking down) Hey! That's it! You found the first Moon Crystal! (thinking to himself) Hmm... I bet the Lunarian cells in him react to the presence of the Moon Crystals. This could be handy to know...

Barret: I did? (kneels and picks up a large faceted crystal, and holds it up to the light) This don't look like no materia I ever seen. It ain't even round - it's all pointy! And as big as my hand...

Cait: Like I told you before, Barret - the Silver Materia was no ordinary materia. Even this fragment might possess powers like we've never seen before.

Barret: Yeah, don't have to repeat yourself. %#@& cat... So now that we got it, whatta we do with it, if you so %#$@ smart?

Cait: (thinking out loud) Well... we can't let Shinra get their hands on it. And they know about the Moon Crystals, so they'll probably be after the other ones... and then, we have to tell the others, too... Why don't we collect the rest of AVALANCHE, and they can help us look?

Barret: Ehh... heh heh, I dunno bout that, cat.

Cait: Hmm? Why's that?

Barret: I dunno, I just... eh, I'd just as soon do this by myself, got it?

Cait: (grinning) Oh yeah, I got it all right...

Barret: What you sayin', cat? You sound like you thinkin' something 'sides what I said...

Cait: I just was wondering, is the reason you'd rather do this yourself because you don't want the others to see you in a fuku?

Barret: (waving arms furiously) $#@&! You #%@% cat! It ain't that at all! It's jus'... uh... I got a better idea, that's all!

Cait: And what's this better idea?

Barret: Well, uh... Cosmo Canyon ain't too far, and Bugenhagen's the expert on materia and Mako... Why don't we take the Crystal to him, see what he has to say 'bout it?

Cait: Hmmm... that could be of some help... you're right! Let's take off tonight.

Barret: (starts back towards the entrance to the mines) See? I told you I had a better idea.

Cait: Yeah, I was wrong. And actually, we can pick up Red XIII while we're there, and then head on to Nibelheim for Cloud and Tifa.

Barret: (muttering under his breath) Aww, $#@%.

(Meanwhile, in the Shinra HQ, Rufus is once more sitting in the conference room, making mystical hand gestures around his crystal orb, when a knock comes on the door.)

Rufus: Enter, Reno. (Reno enters, and is slightly taken aback by Rufus's strange gesturing.) We've discovered the location of another Moon Crystal.

Reno: Yeah? Where?

Rufus: In the forest south of Cosmo Canyon. And better yet, it looks like that may be where Sailor Barret is headed.

Reno: H-hey, uh, boss, why is that better?

Rufus: Reno, you idiot! It's good because you can deal with him and get the crystal on the same trip!

Reno: Heh heh... but, well... (big sweatdrop) That guy's really tough. Can't Rude go with me?

Rufus: (sighs) If I let Rude go with you, the two of you would just go drinking.

Reno: Yeah! ...I mean, no! We'd be good, really, and you could send Tseng along to make sure. Okay?

Rufus: Don't be such a coward, Reno. A lone Turk should be more than enough to deal with an untrained fighter like Sailor Barret. Which reminds me... I still don't know why you failed last time. Not only is he still alive to cause us trouble, but you didn't even bring back the crystal.

Reno: Oh yeah, that was cause I was dr- er, I was taken by surprise.

Rufus: Riiiight. Reno, if you let me down this time...

Reno: All right, all right! I'll get right on it.

(A few days later, Barret and Cait Sith are making their way north through a forest...)

Barret: Yeah! I can see the red cliffs o' Cosmo Canyon from here!

Cait: You really think it's wise to go there first? I still think Cloud and the others should know about this whole PRETTY SOLDIER thing...

Barret: Naw... we gotta find out whassup with these crystals. Why's Shinra chasin' em? And we can tell Red. It's right on the way, cat.

Cait: Yeah, I guess... Are you sure you're not just putting off telling Cloud you wear a skirt? Hee hee...

Barret: (waving arms furiously) WHY YOU @#&% CAT! I SHOULD - Hey, wait... (looks around suspiciously) You hear someone snicker?

Cait: You're just imagining it, Barret. No one's going to laugh at you, it's not like you CHOSE this to happen.

Barret: Yeah, you're right. Ain't no one round here for miles.

(The two continue on in silence for a time, until...)

Barret: Hey! What the $%#&--! I had that %$&# crystal in my pocket a second ago, and now it's gone!

Cait: Whaaaaaat?! You didn't drop it, did you?

Barret: I ain't that stupid.

Cait: Well then, maybe you're smart enough to tell me what else could possibly have happened to it?

Barret: I dunno, maybe Shinra sent some kinda pickpocket after us. %#$&! When I found out who's responsible for this, I'm gonna - what the $@&%?! (as he hefts his gun-arm menacingly, he realizes something else) All my materia's gone!

Cait: (peering at his megaphone) Hey - mine too! And... you know what this reminds me of...

(They stare at each other for a moment, then yell in unison)

Barret and Cait: YUFFIE!

(A crashing noise comes from the brush, moving away quickly. They give chase.)

Barret: Get you $%@# thievin' #$% out here or I'm gonna blow yo' #$@% head off! (suddenly he trips and falls flat on his face) Huh? Tripwire... (He looks up to see Yuffie grinning from behind a tree. She winks, waves, and runs away again.) %&#@! Cait, she's gettin' away! (starts to get to his feet)

Cait: No she isn't! (He appears from the same direction Yuffie just ran off in, with the moogle gripping her arms behind her.) Hah! I knew she'd have to wait and see you fall on your face, so when I saw the tripwire, I circled around...

Barret: You saw the wire?! Thanks a whole @%$# bunch for the warning! (turns to Yuffie) An' you! What do you have to say for yourself?

Yuffie: (squirming uncomfortably) I'd never seen materia like that before, I was curious! I was just going to look at it, and put it back...

Barret: Then why'd you steal the rest of our materia?

Yuffie: Uhm... in case it got lonely?

Barret: (waving arms angrily) $#@&! You @#%&-

Yuffie: Okay, okay - I'll give it back. Gawd. (Cait releases her, and she pulls out a bag of materia and holds up the silver one.) So what's up with these things anyway? They're not Holy, I know that, and they're all sharp an' stuff -

Barret: (grabs it) "They"? Whattaya mean, they? There's another one?

Yuffie: (looks reluctant) Err...

Barret: Spill it!

Yuffie: Okay, okay, cheez! I was going on my way to visit Red 'n stuff, and saw this little sparkle on the ground, and just the tip of this (holds up an identical crystal) was sticking out of the ground, so I dug it up and pocketed it! What's the big deal?

Cait: (thinking to himself) Hmm... Shinra's been looking everywhere for these crystals for the last couple months, and she finds it by chance? I guess she is a materia hunter, but still...

Barret: Lissen up, kid! We gotta take this, it's for the good o' the planet.

Cait: (still thinking to himself) What if she...?

Yuffie: No friggin' way! Uh uh, talk to the hand already!

Cait: (still thinking) Nahhhh! When would it have happened? She wasn't even with them then. No way. But...

Yuffie: You can have your materia back, but this thing's mine!

Cait: Yuffie, Barret's right. That materia shard is far more important than you even know. Shinra's after it, and-

Yuffie: And if they try anything, they'll get a face full of my Conformer! C'mon, guys... this weird materia is really cool!

Cait: It's not just materia. It's... something else, too.

Yuffie: (rolls eyes) Puh-lease! You think I don't know materia when I see it by now?

Cait: (growing impatient) Yuffie...

Barret: Jus' give it here! (makes a grab for it)

Yuffie: Jerk! Leave me alone, I saw it first!

Cait: H-hey... Shinra already knows it's around here, and they've almost certainly sent out a search party, so will you two quiet down?

Yuffie: Yeah, just make Barret stop trying to take my materia!

Barret: YOUR MATERIA?!

Yuffie: YEAH, MY MATERIA!!

(suddenly Barret is paralyzed, enclosed in a golden pyramid)

Yuffie: Huh? What the...?

Voice: Heh heh heh...

Cait: (muttering) I was afraid of this...

Reno: (steps out of the underbrush) So, Sailor Barret's immobilized. The boss was right, this was a piece of cake! Hey now, why don't you be a good girl and hand over the crystal, kid? Oh yeah, and thanks for the help, Cait Sith!

Yuffie: (in disbelief) Cait...? How could you?!

Reno: Once a spy, always a spy, kid. Now gimme. I don't have all day, I'm meeting Rude at the Cosmo Candle in a couple hours and we're going drinkin'.

Cait: (thinking to himself again) Uh oh... I can't let Reno know I'm helping them, but... I can't let him have the crystal either... what should I do?

Yuffie: Uuuugh! You Shinra guys are such losers! Get away from me- (starts to run away)

Reno: Not so fast! Get her, Cait!

Cait: Err... I... (sighs and grabs Yuffie as she dashes by him) Gotcha!

Yuffie: (eyes filling with tears) Cait...! After all we went through, you're just gonna hand me over to him?

Cait: (in a lowered voice) I'm sorry, Yuffie... really... I have a plan. Here, take this. (hands her something)

Yuffie: You stupid cat... what good is a pen gonna do me?

Cait: Just trust me. Please... (thinking to himself) If I'm wrong, it won't do any good... but it can't be helped.

Reno: Now bring her over here. I want to get this over with as soon as possible.

Yuffie: Ca-ait...!

Cait: (still speaking in a lower voice) When he tries to take the crystal from you, say "Yuffie Power!" Okay?

Yuffie: Huh?

Cait: Just do it. (pushing her over to Reno) Here ya go, sir...

Reno: Cool. (grabs her by the hair and yanks her closer to him) Now give the crystal here, or else.

Yuffie: No way!

Cait: (to himself) Come on...

Yuffie: Oh... urrrgh! This is so doofy, but... Yuffie Power!

Reno: (drops her and steps back, frightened) No!

(Time seems to stand still as colors swirl around her body.)

Cait: I... was right!

(Yuffie spins in midair, ultimately replacing her usual ninja outfit with an aqua and blue fuku.)

Yuffie: ...HUH?! What's with the threads?

Reno: $%#*! Rufus never told me YOU were part of the Pretty SOLDIER program too... Oh well, I'll just get you like I got Sailor Barret! Pyramid Attack! (lunges at her with his nightstick)

Yuffie: Hah! (dodges his attack and sticks out her tongue) I'm remembering something... (crosses her arms and time seems once more to slow) Clear Tranquil... BLAST!

(As she opens her arms, a mist fills the air, and Reno stumbles around blindly.)

Reno: Hey, no fair! Where'd she go... Cait?

Yuffie: (finding Cait in the mist) Hey! (whispering to him) This is cool! Sorry I didn't trust you... What else can I do?

Cait: (whispering back) I dunno... you better free Barret, he can take care of Reno.

Yuffie: Aw, I wanted to finish him off. (kicks the pyramid encasing Barret) Hey, man - time to rock'n'roll.

Barret: That #$&% Reno! I'm gonna knock him inta next week!

Cait: Barret, transform, quick!

Barret: #$*%! Do I have to?

Cait: Yes. That mist won't last forever...

Barret: Aw, #$&%. (glaring at Yuffie) If you laugh, I'm gonna kill you. Barret Prism Power!

(In another flurry of colored energy, Barret transforms into Sailor Barret.)

Yuffie: (trying very hard not to laugh) Errrr.... ahhh....

Barret: SHUT UP!

Reno: Oh no - that voice! But how did he...

(As the mist clears, Reno sees Sailor Barret silohuetted in front of him.)

Barret: Thas'right! It's me, Sailor Barret, leader of AVALANCHE! I fight for Marlene... and the planet! On behalf o' AVALANCHE, I'm gonna right wrongs, and triumph over Shinra... and that means you!

Reno: Aw #$&%, not again...

Barret: Barret Big Shot Magic!

(Barret spins around a lot, and fires about a dozen rounds in Reno's direction.)

Reno: (ducking the bullets) Aaaaaaaaah! Screw it, keep the crystal for now, but we'll settle this later! (runs off into the forest)

Barret: %&$@! He got away again! Man, that guy pisses me off...

Cait: Well, unfortunately, you'll probably get another crack at him. The Turks don't give up easily, you know.

Barret: Yeah yeah, learned that last time around. (looks at Yuffie) So you're a... hey, quit yer laughin'!

Yuffie: (laughing breathlessly) I'm... you... in... hah... hahahahahaha! Sorry, but... Hahahahaha!!

Barret: Grrrr...

Cait: Barret, relax. Yuffie, calm down for a second - I need to ask you something. When did you become part of the Pretty SOLDIER project?

Barret: Hey, yeah! You weren't with us when Shinra hauled our #$@&s in and knocked us out, and everyone but Tifa was conscious when they took us from the Crater...

Yuffie: Er, well, I, uh...

Cait: What?

Yuffie: (looking embarrassed) Well, er, I don't USUALLY hang out in the forests on the eastern continent, y'know... I was like... hunting for materia around Nibelheim, and Hojo's men kinda... captured me and stuff... took me back to Shinra HQ. Then I escaped, cause I'm just cool like that, right?

Cait: And I assume they never told you what they were doing to you?

Yuffie: Nope! But really, this isn't bad at all! I kinda like this outfit. (twirls around, grinning) I don't look half bad!

Barret: ...Lucky you.

Cait: Anyway, enough small talk - let's get to Cosmo Canyon right away! Yuffie, we'll explain the whole story on the way.

(Back in Shinra HQ, Reno stumbles into Rufus's office.)

Reno: Re... reporting *hic* back, bosh...

Rufus: (sighs) Drunk again, Reno?

Reno: (salutes clumsily) Aye-aye!

Rufus: You were gone for two days. I assume that means you succeeded?

Reno: Well *hic* bosh, not exack-ly succeeded, exack-ly...

Rufus: "Exactly"?

Reno: Okay... not successful at all... in fact... shorta failed completely.

Rufus: You idiot! Did you go out drinking with Rude instead?

Reno: Nope! I failed completely, and THEN *hic* I went drinking with Rude. But I would've done it, if Shailor Yuffie hadn't transformed...

Rufus: Yuffie?! There's another one activated now?

Reno: Shure is... and she's real *hic* cute, too...

Rufus: (eyes blazing with fury) Reno, this is inexcusable. Now there's another Pretty SOLDIER to deal with, and they have two of the Moon Crystals! If you fail next time, your #$& is mine.

Reno: Why bosh, didn't know you felt that way! (giggles drunkenly)

Rufus: (rises angrily) Reno, you stupid drunk! Out of my office!

(Reno stumbles out the door, still giggling)

Rufus: (sits back down, gazing into his crystal ball) Next time, Pretty SOLDIERs... Next time...