Pretty SOLDIER Sailor Barret

(Scene opens with Reno standing before Rufus's desk.)

Rufus: You fouled things up again, Reno. Now there are two Pretty SOLDIERs to deal with, and they have both of the known Moon Crystals.

Reno: Yeah, I'm sorry, boss...

Rufus: You certainly are. Now, you had better get it right this time, or you're off this mission for good.

Reno: (under his breath) Whew!

Rufus: I heard that. If you foul this up, you're also off the Turks.

Reno: (big sweatdrop) Boss, no...!

Rufus: (nods) Yes, Reno. Now, you are going to go to Cosmo Canyon and find Sailor Barret and his friends. And you are going to get the two moon crystals back from them, aren't you?

Reno: (gulps) Y-yes!

(A day or so later, our heroes are making their way over the cliffs near Cosmo Canyon...)

Yuffie: Whoa, so these things are from a faraway moon, huh?

Barret: "Things"? $%@& - that one's mine, you little - (makes a grab for the materia she's holding)

Yuffie: Oh, it is, huh? Hey, chill - I must've mistaken it for mine!

Barret: You mean the one in your other hand?

Yuffie: Oops! Heehee, don't I feel like a total dork...

Barret: Thievin' little - (grabs the materia out of Yuffie's hand)

Cait: Gaaaaah!! Will you two cut it out?! What does it matter who holds the crystals? The important thing is that Shinra doesn't get them, or this planet's in serious trouble.

Yuffie: Okay, okay! So we're going to Cosmo Canyon to see what Bugenhagen can tell us about them, huh?

Cait: Right. And we're almost there, so will you two kindly be quiet?

Barret: If she gives me back my materia, fine!

Yuffie: I did give it back!

Barret: I meant my other materia, #$&%!

Yuffie: You have that crystal, I thought you'd be content with that!

Barret: You thought wrong!

Cait: (sweatdrop) And Cosmo Canyon's supposed to be a nice, peaceful place...

(Meanwhile, in Cosmo Canyon, Red XIII sits before the fire in the center of town.)

Red: (swishes his tail back and forth) Oh great Cosmo Candle, show me the way! Lately I've been sensing strange forces moving in the world... What is the source of these disturbances?

(He bows his head, concentrating, and the fire flares up. His good eye flies open in alarm.)

Red: Oh no - it's here! Grandfather!

(At the gate...)

Gatekeeper: Welcome to Cosmo Canyon, a place for the quiet study of planet life.

Cait: Finally, we're here...

Yuffie: Owwww, my feet are killing me! I don't ever want to walk another step!

Voice: Ho ho hooo!

Barret: Hey, that's-

Bugenhagen: (floats over hurriedly, stopping right beside Yuffie) Hey there, pretty girl! Couldn't help but overhear, and I agree completely - You shouldn't walk any more today, and in fact, I'd be perfectly happy to let you stay with me for awhile, ho hoooo!

Barret: Bugenhagen, yo! Good to see you again!

Bugenhagen: (ignores Barret, as he floats around Yuffie, looking her over) Hmm, you certainly do look all tuckered out, young lady! How would you like to come to the inn with me, and I'll buy you a drink - what do you say?

Yuffie: (sweatdrop) ...Err...

Barret: (sweatdrop) Hmm, Bugenhagen seems... lively...

Cait: No kidding... Bugenhagen, we came to talk to you about something important. Is there somewhere we can go to talk privately?

Bugenhagen: (still ogling Yuffie) Hoo hoooo! Privately, yes?

Yuffie: Eww...

Barret: (leaning over to Cait) I got this weird feelin' somethin's goin' down...

Cait: Me too, like something bad's about to happen.

Barret: Like what, cat?

Voice: Grrr... (roars)

Barret: What th- (looks up, and instantly gets knocked over by a massive form leaping at him)

Cait: (sweatdrop) Ehh... like that, maybe...

(Barret is floating dreamily through a starry night sky filled with pale pink clouds, wearing his fuku.)

Barret: Mmm... (closes his eyes) I wonder if my wife, Myrna, would have liked me in this stupid-#%@ getup... It is nice and airy. Ain't no one around, so I can admit that - huh?

(Suddenly he notices a mysterious caped figure floating in the sky ahead of him.)

Barret: Who's there?

Mysterious figure: I've been waiting for you, Sailor Barret.

Barret: ...Th' #$&@?! Do I know you?

Mysterious figure: We haven't met face to face just yet, but perhaps soon we will...

Barret: Don't gimme no crap - who are you? At least lemme see your face...!

Mysterious figure: If you say so...

(He begins to turn his head, revealing a white fabric mask concealing the upper half of his face. He tips his top hat back a bit as he reaches up to remove the mask...)

Cait: Wake up!! (throws some cold water into Barret's face)

Barret: Aaaaargh! You #$@& cat! (looking around, he sees he's in a room at the inn) What happened?

Red: I'm sorry, Barret. I've been sensing a disturbance in the planet - Grandfather's been teaching me to hear the voice of the planet, but I guess I made a mistake this time. I have some more growing up to do, I suppose.

Cait: That's all right, we all make mistakes.

Barret: Yeah, you say that, cat - You ain't the one that got jumped!

Cait: Barret, please! We have more important things to discuss. Red, what kind of disturbance?

Red: The planet cries out... not in pain as it did during Shinra's day, not yet - but as if in anticipation of pain... And the flames of Cosmo Candle tell me that there's a danger in our midst. I attacked Barret because I thought that those who had just arrived had brought it with them.

(Barret and Cait exchange glances.)

Barret: Could that be the Moon Crystals?

Cait: Well, it could be very dangerous, yeah. If the Shinra got their hands on them...

Barret: What would happen? What would they do?

Cait: I don't know. That's why we're here, to see what Bugenhagen can tell us.

Red: Hold on a moment - what's this about Moon Crystals?

Barret: (reaching into his pocket) Well, we got these - hey! Mine's gone! (looks around) And Yuffie too! That sneaky-

Cait: It's okay, Barret! I sent her ahead to Bugenhagen, so they could start analyzing the crystals in the laboratory.

Barret: (starts to get up) And you trusted her?!

Cait: You know how she is about materia - I figure if she's got it, she's the last person in the world who would lose it.

Barret: That's right - she won't let go of it till she's got it back to Wutai! We gotta find her!

Cait: I think you're being a little hard on her. She's not that selfish... But since you're awake, let's head up to the lab and see what Bugenhagen's got to say, right?

(Elsewhere...)

Reno: (speaking into a cell phone) They've arrived, right on time. In fact, I'm looking at one now...

Rufus: (over the phone) And have you made your move yet?

Reno: Not yet. I'm waiting until they're both together, so I can get the two crystals at once.

Rufus: Then there's no reason to report back to me, is there? I'm very busy, Reno - call me when you're recovered the crystals and disposed of the Pretty SOLDIERs, not before. (hangs up)

Reno: $&%#. (folds up the phone and places it back in his jacket) And still no sign of Barret. I guess I'll just have to follow that Yuffie girl for now. Sooner or later, Barret will come to her, and when he does...

(A bit later, in Bugenhagen's lab...)

Red: Grandfather, Barret's awake - what have you discovered?

(They all wait for an answer from somewhere in the house, but there is none.)

Red: Grandfather?

Barret: Yo! Bugenhagen? Yuffie?

Cait: (looking into the planetarium) Neither of them seem to be here...

Barret: Told you, cat! Yuffie's run off with our materia!

Red: But then, where's Grandfather? I'm getting a really bad feeling about this...

Cait: Relax, both of you! Before we jump to any conclusions, let's just go look for them, all right? They can't have gone far.

Red: I guess you're right... My senses have already proven wrong once today. I'm sure they'll turn up somewhere.

(Barret and Red run out of the lab, but Cait remains behind for a moment, the cat tapping a foot in deep thought.)

Cait: You know... despite Hojo's experiments, Red never did freak out and follow Sephiroth like Cloud did. I wonder if that wasn't the kind of clone Hojo was making him...?

(A little later, sitting by Cosmo Candle...)

Barret: They ain't nowhere 'round here. What do we do now?

Red: I don't know... do you think someone captured them, to get the Moon Crystals?

Cait: Phew, I hope not! I don't wanna think about what might happen...

Barret: (stands up) @#%&! I'm so wound up over this, I can't think of nothin'. I'm gonna go back to the inn and get a drink.

Cait: Good idea. (gets up, as does Red, and follow Barret towards the inn) Let's take a break and think this over again.

Barret: (pausing at the door) That li'l thief's dead.

Red: Try to calm down, Barret - we don't know anything for certain yet.

Barret: No, I mean she's dead. (gestures through the door towards the bar) Lookit!

(Inside the inn...)

Bugenhagen: (makes a grand gesture) Ho ho hooo! And then, I dealt the imp a mighty blow!

Yuffie: (leaning unsteadily on her elbows over the table, gazing in adoration at Bugenhagen) Wooww... *hic* That'sh sho cooool! *hic*

Bugenhagen: But this wasn't just any imp, oh-ho-no! It was an imp captain!

Yuffie: *hic* Really?

Bugenhagen: So I knew I'd have to be sharp - those imps can be tricky! (gestures again) So I hit him again! Ho hooo!

Yuffie: And wash he dead *hic* yet?

Barret: (just behind Yuffie) WHAT THE #$@& YOU DOIN'?!

Yuffie: Aieeeeeeeeee!! (falls out of her chair) Oh. *hic* Hi, Barret...

Red: Grandfather...! She's too young to drink - not to mention too young for you, too.

Bugenhagen: Oh, calm down, Nanaki. Can't an old man have a little fun? I just wanted to buy a pretty girl a drink, that's all.

Cait: You were supposed to be analyzing those... (looks around) ...things for us.

Bugenhagen: Things?

Cait: You know... the things Yuffie was sent to bring to you.

Bugenhagen: Huh?

Barret: The Moon Crystals, foo'!!

(Everyone in the place stares at him, including a man wearing a coat and hat in the corner.)

Man: Ah... They're here! (throws off coat and hat, revealing his true identity - Reno!) I've been waiting for you, Barret...

Cait: (muttering towards Barret) Great job, big guy.

Barret: Err... heh. (thinking to himself) Hmm... that guy in my dreams was waiting for me too. But that couldn't have been Reno...

Reno: (staggering a little) You jusht had to drag her into a bar, didn't you, ol' man? I couldn't reshisht a couple'a drinks, but I should shtill be able ta' take ya out, with one 'a your Pretty SOLDIERsh outta commission.

Barret: What you talkin'bout?

Yuffie: (from under the table) Heehee... the floor's all rock. Like it'sh the ground... I'm sitting here on the ground... Ha ha... (the table shakes suddenly, as a loud thud is heard underneath) Owwww... my head!

Barret: Cait, Red - get Yuffie and Bugenhagen outta here while I take care of this! &%$@it, Bugenhagen - there goes half my team!

(They rush out of the inn.)

Reno: And here goesh the other half! (pulls out a gun-shaped device and fires it, wrapping Barret in what appear to be tight metal cords)

(Outside...)

Cait: Yuffie's in no shape to battle, and Barret's going to have trouble all by himself in there... Listen, Red? I want you to take this for me. (begins doing the fortunetelling dance, then drops a pen) Take that, and say "Red XIII power!"

Red: Seems a strange thing to do at such a time, but if you think it will help... (stares at the pen) But what do you mean, take it?

Cait: Pick it up, and say "Red XIII power!"

Red: ...With what? My paws don't have opposable thumbs, I'm afraid.

(They stare at the pen.)

Cait: ..This could be a problem.

(Inside...)

Reno: Now you can't even transhform - you're completely helplesh! Sho ya better gimme your cryshtal, got it?

Barret: Hah! Foo', I don't even have my crystal, Yuffie's got it.

Reno: What?! You gotta be bluffing...

Barret: Go ahead an' search me! You won't find nothin'.

(Outside again...)

Cait: Uh... hmm.

Red: What would be the point of doing this, anyway?

Cait: Er... okay - how about picking it up in your mouth?

Red: (disgusted) In my mouth? That's so... animal.

Cait: If it gets the job done, who cares?

Red: Okay, okay... (picks up the pen in his mouth) 'Ow, what'r I say agai'? I's har' to ta'k wif 'is ih my mouf.

Cait: Er... try to say "Red XIII Power!"

Red: Reh firtee' bower!

(Nothing happens.)

Cait: Oh, this is just fabulous...

(Inside, Reno's going through Barret's pockets...)

Barret: See, I told ya.

Reno: $%#&. I coulda gotten all of 'em right away... Well, I'll jusht go get 'em now then... (stumbles towards the door)

Barret: (struggling against the cords) Argh! Get back here, scumbag!

(Outside, yet again...)

Red: (flicking his tail towards the pen, which is lying on the ground) I'm really not good at controlling it, you know that...

Cait: Just keep trying... Almost...

Red: (curls his tail around the pen and lifts it) Got it! Red XIII Power!

(Aside from an expectant silence and some leaves restlessly blowing past in the breeze, nothing happens.)

Cait: (slumps dejectedly) I can't believe it... I was wrong! You're not one of the Pretty SOLDIERs at all...

Red: Pretty SOLDIERs?

Cait: I'll explain later. Right now, Barret's fighting all by himself in there - we gotta... (trails off, seeing a mysterious caped figure appear by the door to the inn) Who is that?

Red: I've never seen him before in my life. But it looks like he's going in.

Cait: I wonder if he's friend or foe... let's follow him and find out!

(Yep, inside again...)

Reno: Right, like I'm jus' gonna let you - ow! (falls over a chair)

Barret: You son of a... when I get outta here, I'm gonna beat you so hard you won't be able to drink anything harder than water for months!

Reno: (turns angrily) What did you jus' shay...? (starts walking back towards Barret, holding his nightstick) You're gonna pay for that...

(Suddenly a pink rose streaks through the air, cutting through the cords that Barret is bound by.)

Reno: Huh?!

(In the doorway stands a figure wearing a mask, top hat, and billowing cape.)

Barret: Hey! You're that guy from my dream! Who are you?

Masked Man: I'm called Tuxedo Mask! Now hurry up and transform!

Barret: Right! Barret Prism Power!

(Special effects and colorful animation ensue, as Barret transforms.)

Reno: Not again! Not thish time!

Barret: Yeah, right! I'm Sailor Barret, leader of AVALANCHE! I fight for Marlene... and the planet! On behalf o' AVALANCHE, I'm gonna right wrongs, and triumph over Shinra... and that means you!

Reno: Ugh, I can't fight you when I'm in thish condition!

Barret: Too bad, Shakes - Barret Bigshot Magic!

Reno: (running from the bullets) Nooooo! Why did the ol' man have to drag her into a bar - you shet me up! Man, when I'm shober again, you're gonna get it bigtime, and cape-boy there too! (takes off out the door)

Barret: (lowers his gun-arm) $&%# drunk. So, eh, Tuxedo Mask... what's goin' on? Why'd you come give me a hand?

Tuxedo Mask: Because that's what I do. (smiles beneath the mask) And cause you're so cute in that fuku.

Barret: Thanks - I mean, HEY!

Tuxedo Mask: Till we meet again, Sailor Barret! (vanishes through the door with a flourish of his cape.)

(Red and Cait run through the door.)

Cait: Hey! What happened in here... who was that man?

Barret: (still flustered) Some fruitcake callin' himself Tuxedo Mask, I dunno. Probably some random nutcase. Anyway, Reno got away again. Is Yuffie okay?

Cait: Why, Barret... you almost sound concerned for "that little materia thief".

Barret: Well, she does have the crystals...

Cait: Are you sure that mysterious caped man didn't melt your heart of stone a little, hmm? He did look quite dashing...

Barret: (waving arms wildly) Shut the #$&@ up!

(Back at Shinra HQ, Rufus is holding a phone as Rude looks on. It rings again and again, as he waits for an answer.)

Rufus: Odd... Reno's not answering. Could it be he's finally getting something accomplished?

Rude: ...

Rufus: If he's messed up again, this mission will be in your hands, Rude.

Rude: ...Sure.

(On the outskirts of Cosmo Canyon, Reno ignores the ringing of the cell phone inside his jacket.)