Night(12/16/98)

The silent house echoes my breath as I sit here in the dark
My own mind spins me reflections of a previous year's spark
Where is it I've come from and where is it I'm going to?
Another year has passed me by, as they always seem to do.
You'd look at me and say I'm young, a life hardly begun
I'd only gaze back and tell you I've simply nowhere left to run.
I wish it was only a case of those good old holiday blues,
But it goes on day after day, my life like a shorted-out fuse.
I'm tired of staring endlessly at this empty computer screen,
and Wondering day after day: "What does my life mean?"
I'm tired of pretending that I'm confidant and radiant
when my life feels more like a downward sloping gradient
So I give up for the night and climb the stairs in my house
Thinking of that old Christmas poem when stirred not a mouse-
I move to the window and gaze through it to the outside
and I whisper to my reflection "you know I really tried."
But another year's gone by and I'm still feeling the same,
Chasing circles, running on ice, trying to win the game.
But my reflection in the glass isn't one I'd like to see
My own many insecurities staring back at a lonely me
The little white lights on this house shine into this night,
I only wish my heart carried one hundredth of that light.
Where is that eternal optimism I had when I was a child?
Where is the courage I once had to face all unkown and wild?
Where is the song I used to sing and cared not who would hear?
Where is the life I used to know, when I had not a single tear?
Where is the faith and belief I had that I was special in some way?
Where's the knowledge that I'm not just dying more each day?
Somewhere along the way something went vastly wrong
If this is growing up, then God, give me a less sad song.
I curl myself upon the couch, my doll cradled in my arm
The childhood dream to keep her safe, safe from all life's harm
Around me is all I've ever known, yet alien to the touch
Would asking for some meaning in my life be just a bit too much?
Would wanting to know I had some value be too much to ask?
Would needing to hear "I love you" be too hard a task?
Would finding the courage and faith inside be too much to request?
If I had that single ray of hope, that omen, I'd cease to rest
But no answer seems to come my way, but instead I vow
To never be defeated, to keep on going, someway, somehow
I rise again with doll in arm to wipe away my tear and then,
I firmly believe I'll find myself, even if I don't know when
The prophecy come true and the snow's begun to flutter fall
A simple smile lights my face and we tip toe down the hall.
Out the door and into this, this dancing show of white
Crystals turning in the air, a cloud of dreams take flight
My doll and I, we have a dance, underneath the cloud
And I remember a promise I made, when I was less proud
"I'd do anything just to have some snow, I'd be good as gold
If you'd only send that sign my way, I'd do as I'm told!"
A child's dreams still held in my arms, another gracing my cheek
The simple sign I asked for then has when I'm most meek
I can't find a meaning if I don't search to quench my thirst
I can't expect to hear "I love you" if I won't say it first!
I have value I suppose, if I value others in my life
And I will find both joy and hope if I can let go of strife
I can see a year that came and went, and know t'was not in vain
I can see the rising sun as my chance to start again
For to live each day as the gift it truly is to each and all
To look and find every occassion to up and rise to the call
To spread love and joy is to perchance receive it back
To find the color in your life is to cease the white and black
To remember what it was to sit and wish upon a star
Is to find the granting of a dream by answers from afar.
This thought in mind I twirled once more before I turned away
A bound up the steps and into my house, life a little play
Nothing perfect in the least, but something left to try
Laughs to be had, friends to love, even tears to cry
In my bed, falling asleep, to the sound of the wind's voice
Life is what you give, not get, and it's all a matter of choice.


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