(Note: I have cracked the code! This is clearly what MetNut99, the AOLiean prophet, meant.)

Primary Rant

This e-mail was written after several columns as I assessed your responsesto the questions and opinions you address every day, except on weekends.I will criticise you - and you alone. I don't want to even talk about RPGs.I know your regular methods of dealing with questions, and despite what you _might_ think from the fact I'm criticising you, I don't agree with them.

You accept every letter at face value, agreeing or disagreeing. You humiliatepeople rather than adressing their argument, for example, by telling them theyshould use more paragraphs. I didn't think this could be done in an editorialbut here you are, doing it again... and worse than before (Note: sorry!) I think you'rean irrational extremist but - speaking of them, look at the people that write you letters!The way they romanticise your parasitic style, which manifests in two seperate forms,hides just how parasitic it is, surprisingly enough. I'm not telling you about the two forms. Figure it out for yourself.

I haven't looked very deep into the archives, so I think that doing that isn'timportant to criticising you. Your supporters may seem very normal, but in factthey all gravitate to this column because of their concern about the economic factorsthat made square take FF4 out of the Anthology. They want you to tell them to simply goand use an emulator. I fear 'Net Communism. (Note: You are Lenin.)

If we don't weed out clods from society (you might be one, but I won't say) then we willbe attacked by Meteor/Holy and we will all die. To prevent this, I will become a god andcreate order. (Note: I am Sephiroth.) I've told you that your rebuttals are bad, sonow I'll tell you that they say a lot about lowlifes. (Note: These may be your readers)Other people make rebuttals as well - RPGamer and IGN - but yours are a typical example ofhow you write yourself letters on April Fools' day. (Note: the reverse is probably more sensible here.)

What archetypical reason makes you such a villain? Are you a crazed clown on speed? You don'trespect anybody, even here at the GIA (Note: Now you're Kefka) ((Further Note: Kefka was not basedon Franz Kafka. He was a lot more like Molotov, namesake of the famous cocktail. See a speech at http://www.historyplace.com/speeches/molotov.htm)). You don't respect anyone - this is a scientific fact. A more shocking one is that you are responsiblefor various mental illnesses. Dude, it's not right to cause mental illness!

I cannot force you to stop doing these things. I am fairly sure I've tried it before, orone like me has (Note: see http://www.nlring.co.uk/guestbook/guestbook.html), because only I and those with access tomy sources would use certain words. The word "Consubstantiationist" (Note: con = not, substantiation = proof of a claim, ist = one who does) has nothing to do with attempts to spam the internet, fictitions or true, which I claim you made. It really hasto do with the claims _I_ am making, for those of you clever enough to crack my code. (Note: Play Stairway to Heavenbackwards for satanic messages)

I am starting a net protest to stop you because you say net protests don't work. Some mightnot agree with this protest. These are left wing communists who don't like intellectuals - although such right wing freaks as refuse to follow me are bad too. The very name, "Gaming Intelligence Agency," is therefore a lie. The truth of this statement is true.

The gamers, who i simply do not like, seek your simple solutions to their problems because Nintendo andSega have closed their help lines. Their patriotism was shaken when they first discovered that Video games are made in Japan, and they transfer the guilt from this ill-gotten patriotisminto letters condemning Shadow Madness. You would have us believe that we should be able torun around the streets in Shadowrun and mow down innocent bystanders. Sure,it sounds like crap, and that reference is really to be blamed on 'hucksters' at RPGamer, but you clearly prefer the Genesis version.

I was thinking I would include references to the fact this argument is a farce within harderwords in the letter. A Calumniator, for example, is someone who misrepresents another in orderto blacken their name. Others will soon follow this example. I'd like to hang out with themon IRC and chat about how Double Agent sucks.

(Note: The code in the S-Rant, by KingWumpus, the second AOLiean prophet, is a little more obscure. Yet while it has a less literal meaning, it does point to the sources which may have inspired the Rants.)

Supplemental Rant

I'm actually writing this down before I type it up, or I'm using a metaphor. I have new information I'd like to share. (Note: Not bloody likely!) Many Bothan spies gave their lives to provide me with this information, so it must be the truth. The ratio of truth increases exponentially with each dead spy.Believe it or not, I have Edgar's two headed coin. Killing my spies and/or rebutting letters with text youcannot even highlight is like desiring such a coin, such a final decision. This may prove useful when confronting letters about how much FF7 sucked, but it is wrong.

Only you can praise The GIA because it is like you. You make no secret of the fact that you have been warned by your banner-clickers not to post spoilers about FF8. (note: I know GIA has no banners and/or taxes) In fact, it's right there in the archives. I do not wish to define interdenominationalism here, so I'll let the person who follows me do it (note: inter = between, denomination = defined type, ism = doctrine of). I feel that people followingthis doctrine, who may or may not be your readers, are going to take over the Earth. This pisses me offbecause I had plans for that in the first rant. You may make the comment, "how are RPG kids going to take over theworld?" Well, I'd let your readers know, but then _they_ would be starting Jesus Ressurection rumors as well. (Note: Aeris was modelled after Jesus, dying to get Holy to forgive the sins of people and show it by turning green. Itis therefore no surprise that Mr. Lansing's rumor was so widely, subconsciously desired.)

Do you have trouble living with yourself, getting E-mails filled with exactly the same uninspiredquestions day after day? Could it drive you to devote an entire column to my letter? After all, he often defends himself against these challenges by pulling a Clinton and denying everything. (Note: Is anyone a _bad_ enough dude to rescue the current president, if he were to be kidnappedby terrorists?)

To be fair, we might need to send the GIA a note about the Double Agent Protest I proposed in theprimary rant. After all, he _uses_ his influence to _use_ both covert and overt grammar mistakes inthe tutorial of Final Fantasy Tactics, the school which innocent children attend. A small child can'treally understand why Square does such shoddy translations since they started working for Sony. But anyadult can see that the people who send letters complaining about this to your column don't use spell checkers, and thereforeSquare should not have to do so. (Note: I am punishing utter nonsense by going entirely off topic)

When someone accepts your demand that my nonsense be translated, which is at least as difficultas retranslating the FF Tactics CD, you push and push for more, probably demanding that this personshould translate my secondary rant, which was in fact not code, but meaningless gibberish. This is why yourfellow GIA members, who suck rocks, are determined to regulate and even add to your evil, bybacking your offering of a prize. There is nothing more sad than when I see a perfectly goodnet-surfer misled into making sense of my useless scribblings, which probably were pre-generatedby a web applet. (Note: The only thing that would be sadder than the above, is if they weren't.)

Please don't take the last statement as a possible reason why I would now talk about secondhandsmoke. That's not at all 'Consubstantiative' evidence of Java involvement. Actually, all I'm goingto do for this paragraph is use the cool new words I've discovered. In following paragraphs I will returnto my usual 'Calumniation.' I will finish this paragraph by randomly declaring that people never walkedaimlessly through the streets, demanding powers which gods could bestow upon them. This random grasp atorder does not apply to Final Fantasy 6, however, just the real world.

One might think that you are inconvenienced by those who would still call you RPGuru, and it's true! You have to change all the greetings to "Dear Double Agent." Your column will bite the hand that feeds us our RPGs, the thing that defines us. The time has come to make that bloody protest page and bring you down, ensuring our independence, but I'm too lazy and don't know HTML. When You first put people I don't like on the GIA payroll, I nearly upchucked -chundered, tossed my cookies, commited reverse peristalsis. (Note: Writing this letter put mein touch with my inner bile.)

I hope that humanity gets rid of bad people because otherwise... hey wait, who got us back on this train of thought? is Meteor about to hit us again?! Dammit, somebody ressurrected Meteor!!! It must have been the evil sorcerer Javascriptapplet! From a politically correct perspective, you, Mr. Double agent, apply various methods which are, again, all analagous to pulling a Clinton, so you should at least read through the letter and notice the similarities before wasting the column. Your readers might happen to believe that it is a waste both in theory and practice.

I am not mistaken when I say that you have said you have a right to do what you want in your column withoutregard for your readers as a whole. I'd like to deny that, but there seems to be no need, since you have alreadydone so. When you get right down to it, the public perception is that translating my letter would be a loteasier if we could highlight and copy text from your column in Netscape Navigator. That would be easierboth in theory and practice. (Note: and in repetition!)

A brief study of the net will show one inescapable fact: You've been had. Is your head, Mr. Double agent,really buried too deep in the sand to know that this falsely generated fanaticism is in responseto the posting of bad letters, one of your favorite themes in this column? It seems ironic thatyou didn't notice how the last few sentences I wrote about cooling off and taking a shower were infact grafted onto a big chunk of bile-filled text designed primarily to annoy you. Excuse me while Iwonder if you wrote this hate letter to yourself as a gag, look at the page in Internet Explorer to see if Ican highlight text and see the names of the senders, and take a shower.

(Note: _I_ had nothing to do with sending you either the primary or the secondary rant. I didn't concoct somescheme, such as I am just now imagining would be possible, whereby one person would rant and then I, theother, would reap the questionable benefits of a EBay bargain bin playstation game. Why, then, am I so cocky as to even plant this idea, sow this 'seed of evil' doubt, in your head? Because such a scheme would only work if I knew you were going to offer some prize, and I clearly could not know this in advance. Phew.)

(whispers: that should convince him. right. heheh. we're smarter than Double Agent.)