FF8 (Celebrity) Jeopardy
by: XZeLlDx

A camera shows celebrity Jeopardy set, with a Tv: M rating with the little 's' below it in the upper left corner. Outlines of Alex Trabek, the outline of a thin figure in a coat with a feathery neck, an outline that is freakishly big, and another outline with a trenchcoat. The lights come up, and the music starts........
(du DU Du du DU dU. DU. Du dU Du DU DU! Du do du dudu..........)

*announcer*: Good evening Ladies and 'Gents, and welcome to another fun filled evening of celebrity Jeopardy. This evening we have 3 new contestants that will hopefully not try and 'convert' the audience to their sexual identity. We hope.

Trabek's hair starts pressing the buttons, and soon the audience hears the speaker groan: "Good evening. Today, on Celebrity Jeopardy, we have 3 new contestants. You may remember that last month Shaun Conery and Madonna had a quarrel with each other. They are both in stable condition in their respective hospitals, and Mr. Conery wish's says that all hot women under 30 are welcome to come visit him. Oh, and the audience members caught in the blast from Madonna's implants are recovering nicely."

Trabek suddenly flinches, and robotically turns toward the contestants. With all the grace of a 1960 Disney animatronic characters, he gesture's toward the contestants.

Trabek: "Our first new contestant today is Squall Leonheart. He comes from Balamb..."

Trabek is interrupted by Squall, who is silently whispering something.

Trabek: "Do you wish to introduce yourself, or add something to you profile Squall?"

Squall: "No. If I had something to add that would look like I care. You've given all the information about me that is needed, now go on to one of these other losers."

Unrevealed Contestant #3: "Shut up, chicken wuss! Don't mind him Alex, he's just PMS'ing again."

Squall: ".....whatever. (Squall thinks for a second)
Is that you Sefier? ......... I thought you called Zell chicken wuss. (insert many "......"'s here) Have you been abusing GF's again?"

Seifer: "No, I just can't see you through this big guy. Besides, you and your little GAP commercial friends whine the same anyway. If I didn't know better, it would sound as if you where all trying to identify with people by whining about stereotypical problems that everyone goes through in life. Besides, I'm not the one that got caught abusing the GF Pandemona by having her blow my......."

Squall, before Seifer can finish: "TrabEEEEEeeeeeeeek, don't you have to introduce this big guy?"

Trabek, looking like a robot coming out of suspend: "Our next contestant comes from the hidden land of Esthar. He holds a prime spot in the government, and is a cripple. Ward Zabac, is there anything you would like to tell us about your self?"

Ward: "......"

Trabek: "Now now, no one can make fun of you here. Just speak up, tell us anything."

Ward: "......"

Squall: "...Whatever."

Seifer: "Can we get on with it? He'll probably piss his pants if you don't get that winged monkey camera out of his face."

Squall: "Yeah, just like you pissed your pants when Selphie informed Fujin that you said she had bi....."

Seifer: "I said A BIRD ON HER SHOULDER. I NEVER SAID WHAT THAT HEATHANISTIC WITCH IS SAYING I SIAD! Fujin's too touchy about the eye patch thing anyway. "

Squall, smiling: "...whatever."

Seifer, looking disgruntled: "Trabek, ARE YOU GONNA GET OFF YOUR FLOOSY KESTER AND INTRODUCE ME OR WHAT?!?"

Trabek: "And now for our categories...after this commercial."

Seifer just stares. The hair laughs. Squall files his nails. Ward waits for more character development. The card board cutouts and friends of the contestants in the audience snore. Yes, cutouts can snore. Why? Because the tape players that simulate clapping get bored and go to sleep sometimes. That's why. Are you happy?!? Are you!!?? Who am I? What, you don't recognize Trabek's hair? It's ok, you'll feel the pain of evil soon enough.

*celebrity Jeopardy goes to commercial*
Trabek's hair jumps off his head.

Hair: "Make-UP!! These 2 are paler than the robots painted scalp."

Squall, Seifer simultaneously: "Hey! I get plenty of sunshine!

Hair: "Yeah, and this show actually make's people smarter. (wait's for the blush to be applied to Squall and Seifer's cheeks. NO, NOT THOSE CHEEKS YOU PERVERT!!) Are we coming out of commercial?"

Ward, writing on the Final Jeopardy pad: "This is live?"

The robot: "No, it's to save on editing cost's to record the commercial with the actual show. You'd be surprised how much poor people cost these days"

Ward looks displeased.

Trabek: "Hey, your the one who agreed to be here."

Ward shrugs. He needed the publicity so people would remember him.

Trabek: "Now on to today's categories. Our first one is "Hotdogs. Balamb Hotdogs". You remember what these are, right, Seifer?"

Seifer: "You know what Rogaine is, right Trabek?"

Trabek: "Will the author please stop referring to my hair**? Its getting redundant. Thank you. Are next category is "Flying vehicles in FF8"."

**PSH! I'm gonna rip on his hair all I want. Suck It Trabek.

Seifer goes to GameFaqs, and finds a review by one Elweis. He leans over to Ward, one of the project leaders for the Ragnarok, and whispers "PST, the only thing that flies in our world are some sort of hover cities."

Ward shakes his head.

Trabek: "Our 3'rd category is Sections of Selphie's Diary She Didn't Want You To See. To bad her password is so obvious, other wise this wouldn't be such a give away."

Squall: "You think that was a giveaway? You didn't see what she did to the person who gave it out." *looks at Irvine, who is wearing a full body cast* "I told you it wasn't worth the money, but did you listen? Nooooooo."

Irvine: "mumble mumble"

Selphie: "Sorry Squall, I, they broke his jaw for good measure. Selphiecon: !!°~^!!"

Squall: "What the hell was that?"

Author: "It was a Selphicon. Whenever she speaks, she will get a Selphicon."

Squall: ".....Whatever."

Trabek: "Please, refrain from any more ...... comments. I will kill you. Our next category is "Books you can 'check out' from Lily"."

You hear a whistle in the audience, followed by Zell screaming: "I will kill anybody who gets that right! Irvine, I'll tell Selphie what else you did with her diary if you don't get that smirk off you face. And whoever just whistled, yeah right."

Trabek, looking confused: "Moving on, we find a category that you to (Points at Squall and Seifer) can identify with. "Gunblades their user's can't 'upgrade'."

Squall and Seifer stare in horror, unable to speak. Ward smiles, also unable to speak(that doesn't stop him from thinking naughty thoughts though).

Squall: "PST, Seifer. After the show you wanna show him how big our gunblades 'really' are?"

Seifer: "I don't want to see that small thing. I always knew you were a fruit Squall. Does this mean Rinoa's free?"

Squall: "NOT THAT, you homophobic nimrod. I mean let's kick his a...."

Trabek: "Need I remind you of what under the trap door your standing on? (Points at red button on his podium) Or do you want me to press the button and show you?"

Ward starts to pray, with a hopeful look on his face.

Squall & Seifer, looking pissed: "Gimp".

Trabek: "You would know blondie. Our next cata....."

Seifer: "Hey! I wasn't talking to you. But if you say so, that's your problem. And if we can't make fun of your hair, how come you can make fun of ours?"

Trabek: "Because mine can kill telepathically, and yours looks like it came from the pages of "Hair for Fruity boys. But talking about this now isn't going to make any sense, so lets just get on with the show."

Author: OK, maybe I will stop making fun of his hair. And maybe a purple kangaroo is attacking your house with a thermo nutreno bomb.

Trabek: "The next category is "Things that rhyme with ......"."

Squall, Ward: "......"

Trabek: "No premature answers. 4'Th to last category is "Where not to stick your baby moggle". Once again it would seem that a contestant may have unfair experience in this field ,(Seifer looks away, Squall laughs) but we must go on."

Trabek: "Triple Triad and other innuendoes".

Squall: "There's something you wouldn't know about Seifer."

Quistis and Selphie blush. Rinoa looks shocked.

Rinoa: "Squall, you mean you let them 'keep' their cards too?"

Squall smiles.

Quistis: "Its not like it was good or anything."

Selphie: "Really. (notices smug look on Squalls face) HA! You wish. I just needed something to hold me over until Irvine gets his cast off next week."
Selphiecon: :¦=P

Rinoa: "That's what I'm forced to live with."

Ouch. That hurt his pride. Massacred, if you will. On national Television to. With Zell and Seifer laughing like the jackals, and with all his friends in the audience to. Xu, Quistis, Rinoa, the doctor, Edea, Selphie, and Ellone all nodding because they have at one point or other 'lost'. He's unable to speak, the humiliation is so severe. Irvine and Trabek are the only one's holding composure. Irvine because of pity, anger at Selphie, and the fact he is in a full body cast, and Trabek because his hair is, ..uh.... 'feeding'.

Trabek, the hair radiating from the warmth of freshly devoured soul of Squall's pride: "Our next category is something, about which Seifer has informed us, that Squall also has expertise in. "Things Pandemona blows"."

Remember what Seifer said earlier in the introductions?
"Besides, I'm not the one that got caught abusing Pandemona's wind power for......."
Well, that just killed any hope Squall had of coming out of this a man. Now everybody's laughing. In America. You know how whenever a senseless slaughter occurs, the ratings always go up about 5 points? Well this show's just went higher than Oprah due to the fact that it looks like cheap shot at Squall day has arrived. His DAD tuned in and is laughing. Yeah, that's right. They didn't edit it out. Bastards. Well, not really. Its actually pretty funny. Besides, they don't stop filming until the shows over, remember? And now the winged monkey cam is upon him........

Trabek, giggling like a schoolgirl over his new feast: "Anyway, the final Category is "Don't talk, just go "...."".

Rinoa: "Funny, its all Squall ever screams!"

Hasn't that harpy done enough? No, wait. Haven't THEY done enough already? All the women are agreeing and sharing lewd and embarrassing stories again. Good thing they didn't' allow weapons on the show, because I bet Squall wish's he could pull the trigger on that gunblade now.

Trabek's hair whispers very silently: "If you jump off the building later, can I have your body?"

Squall: "No, I don't want another Millionaire show popping up."

(In other words, the evil wig would use his body as a game show host's. This isn't always clear to people)

Trabek: "Suit yourself. No matter where you go people are going to follow you and laugh from now on, so eventually I will get it."

Squall: "Its not like people aren't already laughing at you, you sell out. You've been doing this show for how long now?"

Trabek: "Don't blame me because Viagra won't help sonny."

Quistis: "Be careful! Don't fall into a time warp!!"

All: ".......??"

Quistis: "Err, bad dialogue memories. Sorry. Also, I love him like a sister (yeah, she love's him alright) and I want the attention to be off his failing abilities in bed for a couple of seconds."

Trabek: "Finally, on with the show. Ward, since you won the crippled midget toss earlier you get to pick."

Ward, laughing at the memory of the midget, points in-between "Triple Triad and other innuendoes" and "Places not to stick your baby moggle". Again, chaos insures.

Trabek: "Ward, I am assuming that you are pointing at "Places not to stick your baby moggle". What pointage are you going for?"

Ward holds up 3.

Trabek: "300 it is. "A mogectomy refers specifically to removing a moogle from what part area?"

Ward shrugs his shoulders. Squall buzz's in.

Squall, trying like mad to get the humiliating winged monkey cam out of his face: "I don't know. I just wanted to say that Siefer had it done to him a while back. Please stop laughing. Please?."

Trabek, stares for a second, then retorts: "Riiight. Has anyone ever told you that you look like a extra from "The Velvet goldmine?"

Squall: "........"

Trabek: "That's what I though."

Siefers response has been censored to keep this PG-13.

All stare. : "YOU DID THAT to a baby moggle??? What the hell is wrong with you?"

Siefer: "I said that's what it is, not that I did that."

Squall: "Yeah, I bet the baby moggle wish's that."

Siefer: "I did not have sexual relations with a baby moggle!!!"

Rinoa, who is President of the Save the Moggles association in Timber: "The moggle is a highly endangered species in the world of Final Fantasy. I cant believe that some one would actually do that to a moggle. The fact that its a baby horrifies me beyond comprehension. You'll be hearing from A LOT of angry people over this one. "

Ward: "....."

All but Zell: "..."

Zell: "That was beautiful. *sniff*"

All: "He didn't say anything! How can you know what he is saying?"

Zell: "*cough*Flashbacks, share thoughts*cough*.

All: "Oh,....yeah, Right. Our bad."

Seifer: "TRABEeeeeEEK, DID I GET IT RIGHT OR NOT?

Trabek: "Indeed, that answer is correct. Your free to chose the next category, you sexually confused freak."

Siefer: "Ok then, lets go for "Things that Pandemona blows for 200."

Trabek: "The founder of Wendy's."

Squall beeps first: "Who is Dave Thomas?......What the hell was the point of that?"

Trabek: "Correct. You do realize the other connotation for blows, right?"

Squall: "Yes, but we never fought against Dave Thomas. Plus I got to know Pandemona very well, and it did belong to Fujin the hamburger lover before Rinoa drew it out."

Zell, OIA(Out in audience): "Yes we did! Remember in Esthar when SeeD hadn't paid us in time, and we went in that burger joint and had to fight our way out?"

Squall: "What? You idiot, I was in space then! IS THAT WHAT YOU DID WITH MY SeeD ACCOUNT?! WASTED IT ON FOOD??"

Zell:"............maybe."

Seifer: "Has anyone else noticed how Squall seems to know Pandemona very well, yet he has no problem with Pandemona blowing things?"

Squall: "IS IT PICK ON ME DAY? Did all of you just wake up this morning, and decide that today you would totally embarrass me on live national television, just to make me look like a horny, impotent, perverse little bastard?"

All: "Yeah, basically."

Trabek: "Squall it is your turn. Please stop whining and choose."

Squall: "........Whatever."

Trabek points to a sign over the contestants' heads. It reads:

ABSOLUTLY NO:
• Whining
• Bitching
• Acts of homosexuality

Squall: "Ok, I can understand Whining and Bitching, but what up with the last one?"

Trabek: "We had Richard Simons, Michael Jackson, and Rupal on last weeks show."

Squall, Seifer, and Ward(writing): "Please tell me I don't have the one Richard Simons was in!!!!!"

Trabek: "Hehe, time will tell. Squall, choose your category or face the penalty."

Squall, scared he might have the chair Richard Simons was in: "I'll take Triple Triad and other innuendoes for 500"

Trabek: "The Hitting of ball's on the table with a stick describes what sport?"

Seifer: "The one you and Richard did after the show, Trabek?"

Ward buzz's in, and writes "What is Billiards?"

Trabek: "Correct Ward. And Seifer, your sitting in the chair Richard had. And smiling. I don't think you need anymore information, but I might as well tell you. He got overly excited at the category "Lubricated Shafts". I think you know what that stain is."

Nobody know whether to laugh or barf. The thought that Seifer has been sitting in a chair filled with Richard Simons' spooze for the better part of 20 minutes horrifies them.

(20 mintues later, which explained the shortness of the show)

Seifer: "!!!!!!!!!!!!! (jumps out of the chair, and throws it out of the camera's view) I'm standing from now on."

Squall drops a quarter in front of him. Siefer bends over to pick it up. You fill in the rest, I don't want to. No, really. I'm tapped on homo jokes.

Trabek, laughing lunatically: "Ward, it is your turn once again. We have time for one more question before we move on to Final Jeopardy."

Ward writes: "Sections of Selphie's diary she doesn't want you to see:300".

Suddenly, there's flashy music and crappy sound effects.

Trabek: "You've picked the daily double. That god it wasn't under Triple Triad and other innuendoes, other wise you people would never stop laughing. The give away question for 600 points is "May 14, she had a dream that involved what animal?"

Squall beeps in : "What is a ....."

Selphie, before he can finish: "If you say it you'll regret it worse than Irvine did when he sold my diary."
Selphiecon:Š-Š

Ward beeps, and writes: "What is a turle?"

Selphie: "Damn!! I hate cripples! It makes it harder to make them sorry. Its not impossible thought."(She grins the grin of one of Satan's minions)
Selphiecon:}:-Ð

Ward thinks: "At least he didn't ask what kind of dream."

Trabek: "No, I'm sorry Ward. That's June 14. I want what she dreamed May 14."

Seifer: "What is an Emu?"

Selphie: "Seifer, I've kicked your little wanna be ass around before, and now your gonna get it again. After the show, of course. That way there won't be any proof on tape."
Selphicon: I+0

Seifer: "Right. Hair, get that stupid Robot out of suspend and tell me if I've won or not!"

Trabek: WIRRRRR! "Correct. But you haven't won until Final Jeopardy.
........................................................And now for Final Jeopardy.

What did Rinoa Have to do to Head Master Cid for him to dispatch Squall & Co for her disposal?"

Do DO Do do Do DO DO, do DO do DO DO! DO Do do do do........

Trabek, walking to the stands: "Times up contestants. Seifer, your first. For a change. You wager, out of 900, was 500. And your answer was "What she did for me before she met Squall. Rinoa?"

Rinoa: "You never got anything, so I guess the answer would be no, now wouldn't it?"

Trabek: "Shot down again, eh? You now have 400 points left Seifer. On to Ward. Ward, your wager was 400 out of 500, and your answer was "She asked him Politely and Intelligently". Rinoa?"

Rinoa: "Why do you keep asking me? No, it took a little more than sweet talk."

Trabek: "Sorry Ward, the world is evil. You now have 100 points left. Squall, here's your chance to prove just how much you really know about your lady. Your wager was 200 out of 200, and your answer was "He says he 'junctioned' her, she says she showed him her boobs. Rinoa?"

Rinoa: "WHY THE HELL ARE YOU ASKING ME? You didn't ask me before, so how could I possibly know the answer that YOU have? Are you really going to trust what a guy says he did alone with a girl? ALL I DID, WAS SHOW HIM MY BOOBS! NOTHING ELSE! I NEEDED THE HELP!!! IS THAT SO WRONG? *pant* *pant*"

Everybody's looking at Rinoa like a circus side show freak right now. Serve's the little tramp right for what she did to Squall Earlier. Oh wait, I did that. And I did this to her. And I'm laughing. I love power.

Trabek: "Actually, he said hand job. Squall, you lose."

All, except Professor Cid who is trying to escape before Edea can get to him: "YOU ACTUALLY BELIVED THAT?!"

Trabek: "Like I said, do you really think this show raise's people's intellect? Or that the writers ARE intelligent? Well, I don't know who won, I'm giving it to Ward. That way he can't sue me for crippled discrimination."

Seifer: "BUT I WON!! IT SAYS 400 ON MINE, AND ONLY 100 ON HIS!!"

Trabek: "So you did. But I don't like you. Ward, he's trying to take away your title because your crippled. Are you going to stand for that?"

At this point, everybody gets annoyed looks at XZeLlDx, who is writing this. "WHAT THE HELL? Do you really think that making fun of cripple's, homo's, sexuality, and minorities will make anybody laugh?"

Me: "This is supposed to be funny? I thought I was writing to amuse myself."

All: UrK!

Ok, that's it. I didn't get to point out as many of the things I didn't like from FF8 as I wanted too, or have nearly as many questions, but hey. If you have any suggestions for my next fic send them to xzelldx@hotmail.com or message me at the boards. I really hope you enjoyed this, because I had a lot of fun writing it.
Thanks to B, Kusuka, Hawkeye, Sabacc, and everyone from #fret for ideas and suggestions.