The Northern Crater - Fanfics - The Legend of Something-Or-Other: The Quest of Thunder God Cid

"The Legend of Something-Or-Other: The Quest of Thunder God Cid"

By Colonel Zippo Kanaza

Chapter 1: It Begins... Well, Not Now, But Pretty Damn Soon...

Lucca looked at her two companions, Crono and Marle. I'm sick of being around these two, she thought to herself. "Dammit, hurry up, Marle!" she hollered.

Marle giggled irritatingly. "Sorry, Lucca. I just wanted to look at the pretty flowers."

"You dunderhead! We're in 2300 AD. There are no flowers!"

"Oh. Okay." She giggled again.

Crono felt he had to say something now. "... ..."

"Oh, that's informative, Crono!" Marle shrieked out.

"More intelligent than anything you've ever said!" Lucca paused. "Now come on! Get yer ass in gear!"

Marle ran behind the pair of friends. "Now what're we gonna do?"

Suddenly, in a flash of light, a female form appeared in front of them. As the light faded, the strange woman's features could be seen. Although she wore a mask over her mouth and nose, indicating that she was a ninja, she was entirely clad in bright pink.

What kind of ninja wears bright pink, anyway? Lucca thought.

"Who are you?" the suspicious woman demanded.

"My name's Marle, and he's Crono," she said with a sigh. "Oh, and she's Lucca," she added flatly.

"Okay. You're just kids, anyway. I am Taki. Mind if I join you?"

The three teenagers went into a huddle.

"Why does she want to join us?" Marle blurted out.

"Who cares? Every RPG needs a character who has no motive at first. We'll just find out inadvertently later what it is," Lucca said reasonably.

"Okay."

Not realizing that Magus was the motiveless character for this game, Crono invited Taki into their party, but strangely enough, did not say a word.

"I accept your invitation, Crono." Taki then joined their party.

"Wait!" Lucca cried out. "We can't have four people in the party at once! It's impossible!"

"Hmm," Taki muttered. "That doesn't make any sense. Well, guess we'll just have to move to another RPG."

She then pulled out a small silver remote with a large red dial on it. "Okay. Which world? Wild Arms... Final Fantasy VII... Brave Fencer Musashi... Parasite Eve... Xenogears... AHA! Final Fantasy VI." She turned the dial to Final Fantasy VI. A sphere of reddish-bluish-greenish light appeared before them. "All right, now, everybody jump into the light." Marle leapt in without thinking (you were thinking she would THINK first? Heh heh...). Crono bounded in after her. Lucca followed him, closely trailed by Taki.

"And now, for all you pathetic losers out there who don't know a good chance to get smashed when you see it, FOX will be showing LIVE the New Year's countdown in Times Square!"

In small letters at the bottom of the screen, the words "LIVE only on the East Coast... the rest of you'll have to wait! Mwa ha ha! Aren't we EVIL???" were shown.

"And, only on FOX, you'll be able to see LIVE interviews with the hottest names in entertainment... Tom Hanks! Carrie Fisher! Leonardo DiCappucino or whatever his name is! And the cast of the hit video game, Final Fantasy III!" Each name had the picture shown along with it.

The words at the bottom of the screen "Excluding Strago and Relm because no one likes them! Nyaaaa!" appeared after the Final Fantasy III picture was shown.

The television clicked off. "Dammit, Relm, we should be on that special too!"

"I know, Grandpa. How come no one likes us?"

Strago looked at Relm. "Maybe because we didn't have enough plot behind us."

"But Setzer has the same problem and he's got TONS of fans! Same with Shadow! And Mog!"

"I don't know what to tell you then. But we were great characters!"

"Yeah, but what can we do about it?"

Strago's eyes lit up. "I know! If no one respects us, we'll TEACH them respect!"

"How?"

"We'll start a fan club. The most evil fan club in the world!"

"What are we gonna claim to be fans of?"

"I dunno."

"Then, what will we call ourselves?"

"Uh... ... ... how about The Most Evil Fan Club in the World?"

"Okay. Let's start."

"What do you mean, you can't join?!" Strago shouted into the telephone.

"Um... my mom will get mad at me if I join anything evil. I better not." The boy on the other end hung up.

Relm stared at the ground, eyes half-shut. "Grandpa, this isn't working."

"Hey, I know what to do!"

Crono, Lucca, Taki, and Marle sat in the grass on the Veldt.

"So, Taki," Lucca said. "Before we go any further, why don't you tell us your secret motive?"

"Ah. So you saw through me. All right, then..."

Taki began to slowly lift off of the ground. The threesome watched as she started to change.

Taki landed on the ground again. However, Taki was no longer Taki. Now she was a older man wearing a brown hood and cape.

Lucca recognized him. "Orlandu?"

"Yes. It is I. For I am... ... ... ... THUNDER GOD CID!!!!!!!!!!"

"Finally, some members!" Relm said aloud.

Her head swam as she saw some of the most nefarious and evil people ever to grace the universe... Master Pai-Pai the Deranged Pizza Man... John Tesh... Howard Stern... the nameless Square translator who changed Moogles to Mogs in Final Fantasy VII... Rush Limbaugh... and Richard Simmons.

"Screw getting respect!" Strago exclaimed. "With this group, we might as well take over the world!"

"How predictable..."

"So, T.G. Cid," Lucca asked, "Why have you come here?"

"Two humans, named Strago Magus and Relm Arrowny, are attempting to take over this world."

"What?" Marle yelped. "You're not human?"

T.G. Cid laughed. "Of course not! For I am... a THUNDER GOD!"

"Uh... Okay..."

"I was sent here by... someone... to stop them."

"Ah," Lucca said. "And I suppose that this anonymous party won't be revealed til near the end, will it?"

"Yep."

Strago and Relm sat on the top of a hill, consolidating their newfound EVIL power.

"Grandpa, I like being evil. No wonder Kefka liked his job."

"Yes, and now, we shall take our first hostage. Richard Simmons?"

In a puff of foul demonic smoke with butterflies trailing off of it, Richard Simmons' evil, yet wussy form emerged.

"What is it, Master Strago?"

"Go to the Final Fantasy IV world," Strago paused to keep his aging lungs from going under, "and bring me Rosa. She is not only a pathetic damsel in distress, but Cecil, King of Baron's Queen."

"Okay! Yes I can!"

Simmons vanished as quickly as he had come.

Rosa pranced about the forest like a lunatic (a.k.a. a normal air-headed RPG love interest girl) and rolled in the grass happily. At first she didn't understand her own actions, but quickly laughed them off. "I'm female royalty. I don't have to think!" she said cheerfully.

Still meandering about, she quickly spotted a thick bush full of white roses in bloom. She walked calmly to it and sniffed them. They sure smell good, she thought, but something’s wrong about them. They don’t look quite right.

She eyed the flowers carefully. The roses seemed normal... until she realized that Richard Simmons' face was in the center of each and every one of them! Shrieking in primal terror from the hideous sight, she quickly fainted.

Richard Simmons, in a blast of smoke, warped behind her, picked her up, and disappeared.

The phone rang.

Rydia sat up with a start and surveyed the area, searching for the phone. Finally, she woke up and found the phone on her nightstand, exactly where it was supposed to be. She sighed and picked up the phone.

"Hello?"

"Rydia? Did I wake you?" Cecil asked.

"Yes. What is it?"

"Rosa's missing."

"AGAIN?! How many times has that happened?"

"I lost count a long time ago."

"Do you have any idea where she might be?"

"Probably in some evil fiend's clutches, like always. I think I'll ask the townsfolk. They more than likely saw something."

"You do that." Rydia quickly hung up and lied back down.

"Cecil! Cecil!"

Edge dashed into the throne room, and kneeled down, panting like a dog in summer.

"What is it, Edge?"

"I heard that a group called The Most Evil Fan Club in the World kidnapped Rosa!"

"WHAT!??!?!?! How did you find out?"

"Er... to be perfectly honest, I have no idea. I guess the author needed to keep the plot moving."

"Perfect! Let's roll."

Cecil, Kain, Edge, Palom, and Porom (Rydia had insisted on sleeping in) stood over Thamasa, the headquarters of The Most Evil Fan Club in the World.

"Hey," Kain said. "Where did I come in?"

"Not to mention us," Porom added, gesturing towards Palom.

"This is no time to muse plot holes!" Cecil announced. "Let's rock..."

The five heroes marched up to Strago's house and knocked on the door.

"Oh great," Edge said. "Another gap in the plot..."

"Who is it?" an elderly voice shouted. "State your business here!"

"Umm... geez, give me a sec. Uh... I am Cecil of Baron, and you have my queen. I've come to rescue her."

"Told ya so, Gramps," a high-pitched voice squeaked.

"Ah... exactly as I thought. Come in."

The door slid open with a slow creak. Cecil and his party walked in, muscles tense in anticipation.

Cecil looked about the dark room. Well, it would've been dark, only it was... light. So it wasn't a dark room at all.

He saw an old man and a little girl, probably about Porom and Palom's age. And many others, as well.

Rush Limbaugh. Master Pai-Pai the Deranged Pizza Man. John Tesh. The nameless Square translator who changed Moogles to Mogs in Final Fantasy VII. Richard Simmons. Howard Stern.

Then Rosa walked in.

Cecil stared at her.

"Rosa, come on! I came here for you! Hurry!"

Rosa laughed evilly.

"Come with YOU? Ha!" She smirked at him. "Not likely."

"But why, Rosa? WHY?"

"Why? I've hated you all along! I'm surprised you didn't notice!" She stepped towards Strago and Relm. "Did I ever ACT like I loved you? Never! As a matter of fact, I've joined The Most Evil Fan Club in the World! Prepare to DIE, Cecil!"

She drew her bow back and aimed carefully at Cecil's head. She let go of the string, and watched, delighted, as the arrow flew through the air.

It hit its mark perfectly.

Cecil slumped over, dead.

Edge, for some reason finding himself the new main character (as decreed by the Royalty Rule... does that exist?), decided to make a strategic surrender.

T.G. Cid, Lucca, Crono, and Marle stood over Thamasa.

"This is Strago and Relm's base," T.G. Cid said simply.

"I forgot, why are we attacking again?"

T.G. Cid looked at Lucca. "She really is an idiot, isn't she?"

Lucca clicked her tongue against the roof of her mouth. "Yep."

"Marle, Strago and Relm will destroy the world if we don't stop them. That's why."

T.G. Cid turned to face the others. "We will attack now."

"Grandpa, when are the heroes gonna attack us?"

"Soon, Relm. Soon."

As soon as Strago said those magic words, T.G. Cid kicked down the door.

"Hold it right there, Strago!"

Strago, recognizing T.G. Cid, raised his arms up. "What did I do?"

"Strago, you know that you're breaking the laws of RPGs. First, only traitor characters may turn evil, and your character description isn't officially evil or treacherous. Second, you brought Reality-based characters into your army. Three, you killed a main character of an RPG."

"I don't care! You super-powerful, worshipped people don't know what it's like to be at the bottom. I'm sick of getting no recognition! I want power, dammit! And I want it NOW!"

"Strago, now I must punish you! HOLY EXPLOSION!"

White light seared Strago, but after the white light subsided, he still stood there. "Aha ha ha!!!!! You forgot that I'm not 'officially' evil yet! Holy attacks cannot harm ME!"

"Dammit!"

"Don't worry, Thunder God!" Marle called out. "Let me try!" Her form started to change. She turned into Flea.

Crono squinted at her. "Marle?"

"Ha!" Flea shouted out. "I killed Marle a LONG time ago!"

Crono felt he must say something, but his obligatory line had passed. He clammed up.

Lucca sighed with relief. "THANK YOU! I knew you'd get the job done!"

"HA!" Relm cried out. "I got you now!"

Relm summoned a man with spiky hair.

"CLOUD?!" Flea shrieked.

"That's right," Cloud said. "You lied to me! Didn't you say you were a woman? I'm not gay."

"I was only kidding!"

Sephiroth warped in. "That's different from what you told me, Cloud..."

"I never said that!"

Cloud paused, remembering Marle's death. "Even in the end, Marle was smiling. If we give up, it'll just freeze like that."

Flea glared at Cloud. "What the hell are you talking about?"

Cloud scratched his head. "Er... never mind." He suddenly disappeared.

Relm looked at Strago. "All right, they're confused. Let's kill them!"

The Most Evil Fan Club in the World charged the four heroes.

"Heads up, people!" Flea shouted.

Crono and Lucca ran away, while T.G. Cid warped away and Flea changed herself (a point of reference) into a bat and flew away.

That did it. The Fan Club had incurred Crono and Lucca's wrath.

Together, they summoned Princess Fillet.

"Like, stop attacking me!" the princess screamed in her obnoxious valley girl accent. "I'm a PRINCESS!"

Flea stared at her in shock. "Oh my god... she's just as bad as Marle! Die!"

Flea drew a dagger and stabbed Fillet in the back. She keeled over.

"Musashi, like, help me! I'm dying and stuff!"

With her last ounce of energy, Fillet used Hero Summon. Kojiro appeared.

"You fool!" T.G. Cid yelled at Flea. "She was to be a decoy while we attacked! Now she's going to get us killed!"

"Oops. Sorry, Thunder God."

Annoyed by her results, Fillet used Hero Summon again. Musashi appeared. Relieved, she died.

"Musashi!" Kojiro announced. "Late again, as usual. Duel with me, or the princess dies!"

"Umm..." Musashi looked at the princess' fallen form. "She's already dead."

"Uh... well..." Kojiro verbally stumbled. "Then I'll... um... uh... I'll kill her!" he shouted, waving his sword in Flea's direction.

"Kojiro, you idiot! She's the one who killed the princess!"

"So?"

"So I'm trying to kill HER!"

Kojiro stood still, silent. "... ... Oh." His face suddenly lit up. "But I've distracted you long enough so you can't return!"

"No you haven't!"

The two childish annoying-voiced samurai began to bicker.

Lucca groaned. "Oh lovely."

Both sides ignored Musashi and Kojiro and decided to attack again.

"Ha!" Strago barked. "It isn't over yet!" He threw his hands into the air. "I call upon the power of... Mario and Luigi!"

Mario and Luigi teleported in. "You-a called?"

"Yes. Kill the three traitors to Nintendo and the Thunder God!"

Luigi spoke up. "Yes-a, Master." At that, both of the plumbers leapt to the attack.

"Master, I will not fail you. I will find your 'SoulEdge'." Mario said.

"Flea!" Lucca cried out. "You're the magician. Do something."

"Um... all right..." Flea decided to summon someone to counter. "Copyright Protection Rune! I summon Voldo!"

Voldo appeared, recognized the ripped-off line from his storyline in Edge Master mode (don't ask how), realized that they were a grievous insult to Italians everywhere, and decided to promptly execute them. "... Kill..." he muttered, and he sprang on them, ripped out Mario's lungs, blood pouring from the wound-

"Stop!" Relm shouted. "Fanfic writer person, there could be children reading this! Do you want Congress down your throat again?!"

Okay, okay, then... um, Voldo killed Mario and Luigi and, uh, stuff.

"That's better!" Relm said contentedly.

"Oh crap!" Strago ran about, trying to think of a solution.

"Let me handle this, old man! I summon the power of Heimdal!"

Suddenly, a large object tore through the roof. "Suckiness Mode ON," it announced.

"Oh my god!" T.G. Cid yelled. "It's a larger version of Worker 8!"

"Doesn't he suck?" Flea asked.

"Well, he was reprogrammed by Bill Gates himself."

Lucca said, "But that would mean he sucks MORE!"

"Beware his attack-crashing errors!"

"Oh no," Relm muttered. "I summoned the wrong machine!"

"You have mail," Worker 8 announced.

"Let me handle this," T.G. Cid said. "Holy Explosion!"

A white light began to form, but it quickly dissipated.

Relm stood in shock. "Oh no, what have I done?!" She began to cast a spell to shrink Worker 8 down to normal size.

T.G. Cid woke up. His vision hazed by unconsciousness, he still struggled to see his surroundings.

He saw four green walls circling him.

He attempted to stand up. He reached below him to get a hold, but the ground lifted and tore off in his own hand!

He raised his hand to take a look at the ground he had torn off. A strange reddish metallic cylinder with the words "Dr. Pepper" printed on the side of it sat in his hand.

Who is 'Doctor Pepper'? he thought. And why is his name on the side of this?

He stood up slowly.

Lucca peeked up at him. "Glad to see you're awake, Orlandu," she said. "Glad SOMEONE'S still here..."

"You mean we're the only two still here?"

"Well... not exactly..."

She pointed at Princess Fillet's dead body.

"Oh. She doesn't count. Even if she were alive, she wouldn't count."

"Well... what do we do now?"

"Hey! Who's there?" a voice shouted.

Lucca whirled around. "Who's there?!"

Silence filled the air. "I'm not telling."

Lucca watched as two figures approached her. One was a blond, ponytailed girl wearing a yellow skirt. A white ruffle covered her green blouse. A strange-looking camel-like creature clothed entirely in green followed her.

The blond girl cocked her head to the side. "Who are you all?"

T.G. Cid climbed out of the green container. He looked at the side of the container. It had the word 'Dumpster' on the side of it. "She is Lucca. As for me... I am... THUNDER GOD CID!!!"

Lightning flashed and thunder crackled.

"Nice special effects," Lucca said.

"Thank you," replied T.G. Cid. "I try."

"Oh," the girl said. "I'm Meg, and he's Hammer."

"Yo," Hammer said.

"Uhhh... yeah..." Lucca muttered.

"Anyway," Meg continued, "we saw that weird-looking thing above you guys. Do you know what it is?"

Lucca looked up. A large, dark entity floated overhead. It grew, slowly consuming the space overhead.

"That's the fanfic we were thrown out of!" T.G. Cid shouted. "And it's consuming Reality!"

"We have to stop it!" Meg exclaimed.

"But how?" Lucca asked.

"I know!" T.G. Cid said. "We have to find the author of the fanfic! Then he can destroy it."

"Great idea, bro'," Hammer said.

"Just one question," said Lucca. "Who is the author?"

Lucca read through the fanfic.

"It says here that someone named Colonel Zippo Kanaza wrote this," she said.

"Good," Meg said.

T.G. Cid looked at the others. "Let's find this Colonel..."

"Hey, this must be the Colonel's house!" Meg said.

"How do you figure?" asked Lucca.

"I dunno..."

The four RPG characters approached the door of the house. T.G. Cid knocked on the door.

"Who is it?!" a voice hissed.

Lucca said, "A few RPG characters passing by."

"Oh. Come on in... if you dare... Vwee hee hee!"

The door opened slowly with a loud creak. T.G. Cid stepped in first, followed closely by Lucca and Hammer. Meg took the back.

The door slammed shut for no real reason.

They walked into the center of the living room.

Suddenly, a loud insane giggle echoed through the house, followed by a strange ripping noise, like cloth being shredded.

Lucca looked around. Near the window, a strange figure with dark hair and a crazed grin hung from the curtain.

T.G. Cid noticed this. "Who are you?" he demanded.

"Who am I?" the figure said. "Who am I? No, dear sir, the question is... who are YOU?" The figure laughed maniacally again.

"I am... THUNDER GOD CID!!!"

The announcement echoed as thunder roared and lightning flashed.

"Who does your special effects?" the figure asked.

"Someone named Colonel Zippo Kanaza. We're looking for him."

"Him? Him?? HIM???" the figure yelped. "So sorry to disappoint you, but the one you seek is female. I am Colonel Zippo Kanaza." The figure paused. "Oops. Let me switch on the light." The figure reached over to the light switch. The light clicked on, revealing a young dark-haired woman with an evil smile. "So... what do you want?"

Lucca studied Colonel Zippo Kanaza as she played with a nun boxing puppet, fascinated by her child-like behavior. T.G. Cid attempted to explain to her what went wrong with the fanfic.

"So, CZK, a paradox was created by having a character appear twice in the same scene. As a result-"

"This job's a success!" CZK cut in, laughing.

T.G. Cid glared at her. "No..."

"Off course! This's the way! I had a good feeling!" CZK laughed again.

"WILL YOU STOP THAT!" T.G. Cid shouted.

"Hey, I wouldn't be mean to me, if I were you. I'm the writer. I can get rid of you whenever I want."

"That's just it! The fanfic is out of control! It's destroying Reality with its sheer pointlessness!"

CZK gazed at T.G. Cid. "Wow. That's... evil."

"Exactly."

"COOL!" She cackled again, spinning around in her chair.

"Lucca, you try talking to her."

Lucca approached the mildly insane girl. "Listen to me. It's your responsibility to stop the fanfic. You wrote it, after all."

"Hmm..." CZK dropped into a trance. "I suppose you're right. After all, I created it. And what I can create... I can DESTROY!"

Thunder rumbled and lightning flashed.

"I love those special effects!" CZK shouted. "But regardless of how cool those special effects are, I cannot do this alone. Gimme a second."

She picked up the phone and dialed a number.

"Hello?!" an angry-sounding voice snapped at her.

"Hi, Kefka. It's me, the Colonel. I'm going to stop an out-of-control fanfic. Wanna come?"

"Give me a second."

A rattling sound emitted.

"Snake eyes!" a monotone voice called out. "You lose!"

"Oh crap," Kefka said. "Forget it. I'm gonna have to walk there."

"Oh. Okay." She hung up. "Kefka can't come. Oh well. Zed?"

A tall, green-haired swordsman teleported in. "Yeah?"

"I'm gonna stop an out-of-control fanfic. Wanna come?"

"YAY!" Zed called out. "COOL! I'm coming!"

"Now that that's all over with, shall we be going?" Lucca asked.

"Sure," CZK said. "Let's go, then."

They all left.

"So this is it, eh?" CZK said.

They all looked at the hovering sphere of blackness.

"So... how do you propose to get us inside?" Lucca asked.

"Oh, that's easy."

CZK took out a flat black circle.

"One of my genuine Plot Holes. I can just throw it on the fanfic, and we can walk through the hole. But we've got to be quick about it."

"Why?" T.G. Cid asked.

"Because, if we wait too long, another fanfic author will close it by explaining it. Come on!"

"WAIT!" Meg cried out.

"What?"

"Um... could you get rid of Hammer first? There's no point in him being here."

"Then why did you bring him here?"

"Actually, he followed me. He isn't saying anything, anyway."

"Okay." CZK scribbled on a pad of paper. "In a burst of black light, Hammer fell through a gap in the dimensions."

In a burst of black light, Hammer fell through a gap in the dimensions.

"Cool," Meg said in awe.

CZK threw the Plot Hole at the fanfic. It stuck to it.

"Okay, now, everybody fly through the Plot Hole."

"Um, how?" Lucca asked.

"Oh crap."

"Hey, can any of you people summon things?" CZK asked.

"No."

"No."

"No."

"No."

"Okay, then... I give Lucca the ability to summon Flammie!"

A small painted drum dropped down from above.

"Lucca, use the Flammie Drum!"

Lucca shook the drum. Suddenly, a ridiculously cute white dragon swooped down and picked the heroes up.

"Flammie!" CZK shouted. "To the Plot Hole!"

Flammie flew through the Plot Hole, dropped them off inside the fanfic, then flew away.

They looked around at what appeared to be an amusement park. Bright lights flashed everywhere. A roller coaster plummeted down, filled with screaming people, then swung back up.

"Where are we?" Meg asked.

"Hey, this place looks like fun!" Zed yelled.

A beautiful woman wearing a blue robe teleported in.

"Hello," she said.

"Who are you?" Lucca asked.

"I'm Windy. And welcome to Villain Land. The evillest place on earth."

"Evillest isn't a word."

"So? We're evil. We can make up our own damn words."

"Oh. Okay."

"Where did this place come from?" CZK asked, sure that she didn't create it.

"Master Strago created it for all of us villains."

"MASTER STRAGO?!" T.G. Cid exclaimed.

"Yes. Didn't you hear? He defeated a Thunder God with nothing more than his own bare hands and his skinning spoon."

"Skinning spoon?" Meg asked.

"You don't want to know."

"Let's get out of here," T.G. Cid said.

"NO!" Zed argued. "I want to go on the ferris wheel and get sick on the roller coaster and have to stay the rest of the night in the nurse's station!"

"Hell, why not?" CZK said. "We really don't have any idea where to go."

"True," T.G. Cid said. "Let's get some tickets."

They walked up to the ticket booth.

"Ah," the ticket person said. "I am Grahf, the Seeker of the Tickets. Doth thou desire the Tickets?"

"Let me deal with him," CZK said. "Yeah, we desire the tickets. Five, to be exact."

"My fist is the divine breath-"

"We have the money!" Lucca said, exasperated. "JUST GIVE US THE FRIGGIN' TICKETS!"

She gave Grahf the money. Sighing, Grahf forked over the tickets. They walked through the gate.

"That was fun!" Zed said excitedly.

"This place sucks," CZK muttered.

Eight giant turtles walked down the path.

"This place is getting boring, Lemmy," the turtle wearing glasses said to his twin brother. Both of them had rainbow-colored hair.

"Iggy, shut up!" said the turtle with large blue hair. "You are getting annoying!"

"Why don't you, Ludwig?" Lemmy shouted.

"Grr..." the largest turtle snarled. His red hair flapped lightly in the breeze.

"Dad! Dad!" the smallest one, with blue hair said as his older brother, the bald one who wore red sunglasses, pummeled him. "Roy's beating me up!"

"Larry," Roy said quietly. "If you say one more word..."

"WOW!" the brown turtle shouted, looking at the roller coaster. "That's one totally tubular, completely cool, electrifyingly-"

"SHUT UP!!!!" the hairbow-clad female turtle shrieked. "Daddy, Morton won't be quiet!"

"Why don't you, Wendy?!" Iggy yelled back.

"WILL ALL OF YOU SHUT UP ALREADY?!!?!?" the red-haired one bellowed.

All of them immediately stopped.

"Sorry, Dad," Larry said.

"Just keep your mouths shut and keep going," he snapped. All of them continued walking. "I need a drink..." he muttered quietly. Then T.G. Cid, Lucca, Meg, CZK, and Zed came into view. He got an idea.

He walked up to the five heroes. "Hello. I am King Bowser Koopa."

"Yes?" T.G. Cid said. "What is it?"

"I was wondering if you would take care of my lousy kids for a while."

"Why?" Meg asked.

Bowser drew nearer. "To be perfectly honest, they're driving me insane. I need a break."

"I dunno," CZK stated. "We're kind of busy right now... we need to defeat Strago and Relm still...."

"TAKE THEM WITH YOU!"

"Are you sure?"

"DO WHATEVER YOU WANT WITH THEM! JUST GET THEM AWAY FROM ME!"

"Okay," T.G. Cid said. "We'll do it."

"Thanks. Come on over here, kids." His children came over nervously. "These are my children." He called off their names, pointing to each one in succession. "Ludwig, Morton, Roy, Iggy, Lemmy, Wendy, Larry." He turned to his kids. "These nice people are going to be watching after you for a while. Goodbye." He walked off towards the nearest bar.

"Hi," Meg said.

"Hello," Ludwig said back.

"Hey, look what I found!" Zed called out. "An airship port! And it looks like there's some airships here!"

"Maybe someone will give us a ride," Lucca said.

"Everybody, to the port," T.G. Cid said. The five heroes and the seven Koopa children walked to the port and to the nearest airship. A white-haired, pale, scarred man wearing a long black coat stood by it.

"Hey," the man said. "I'm Setzer Gabbiani. Do you like my airship?"

"Yes, we do," T.G. Cid said. "Will you give us a ride to Thamasa?"

"Are you planning on defeating Strago and Relm?"

"Does it matter to you?"

"No."

"Then yes."

"Okay, then it'll be twenty thousand gold pieces."

"WHAT?!" Lucca cried out. "We don't have that kind of money!"

"Okay," Setzer said. "No big deal. I'll give you the ride, as long as I can marry," he pointed to CZK, "her."

"Me?"

"Oops. No, not you. You." He pointed to Meg.

"Wha?"

"No, you," he said, pointing to Lucca.

"Huh?"

"Damn, not again. You." He pointed to Wendy.

"No way!" Wendy screamed.

"Wrong again. You." He pointed to Ludwig.

"Uh-oh," Roy said. "You got him mad."

"I'M NOT A GIRL!" Ludwig shouted. He grabbed Setzer and began slamming his face into the pavement. "I... AM... NOT... A... FREAKING... GIRL!!!!!" he yelled, accentuating each word by ramming Setzer into the ground.

"Okay, okay," Setzer said. "I'll give you all a free ride, as long as you stop him from giving me more scars."

"Deal," T.G. Cid said. He held Ludwig's hands back, keeping him from hurting Setzer any further.

The trip was rather uneventful and boring, so CZK decided not to write about it. But she realized that in writing this message, she was writing about it. She vowed to stop it.

T.G. Cid, Lucca, Meg, CZK, Zed, Ludwig, Morton, Roy, Iggy, Lemmy, Wendy, and Larry stood over Thamasa.

“This is Strago and Relm’s base,” T.G. Cid said simply.

"That line gives me deja vu," said Lucca.

CZK cackled at this. The others looked thoroughly confused, as they had not heard the first delivery of the line.

T.G. Cid turned to face the others. “We will attack now.”

CZK laughed again. "I love recycling scripts..."

"Grandpa," Relm said. "Are the heroes gonna be coming again soon for revenge?"

"Probably," Strago replied.

"Okay."

T.G. Cid grappled with the door handle, trying to get the door to Strago's house open.

"It's locked!" T.G. Cid grunted.

"Give it up," Lucca said.

"Why don't we knock?" CZK said.

"WHAT?!?!?!?" the others replied.

"Here, I'll show you."

The Colonel knocked on Strago's door.

"Who is it?" Strago's voice questioned.

"Just a bunch of people wanting to kick your ass from here to Tahiti," CZK replied.

"Okay. Come on in." Strago opened the door. T.G. Cid and his party came in. "Would you like something?"

"Some tea would do nicely." T.G. Cid said.

"Some more tea?" Strago asked.

"Thank you," Meg replied.

Everyone was seated around a table.

"Um, T.G. Cid," Lucca said. "Aren't we supposed to be beating them up?"

"Just a second," T.G. Cid said, and he sipped his tea. He spat it out. "Strago, this tea is disgustingly sweet! DIE!"

T.G. Cid charged Strago.

Strago snapped his fingers. Suddenly, his personal army came out.

"Come on, Iggy!" Lemmy shouted to his twin. "Come here!" Iggy dashed to Lemmy. They locked arms, tucked into their shells, and began to spin towards Strago's army. They collided with the soldiers, knocking over people by the dozen.

The rest of them ran towards the remnants of the army while T.G. Cid grappled with Strago. Meg used her Trick Rune, and a small robot stomped out of nowhere, leaping into a soldier, knocking him unconscious. Lucca unholstered her Wondershot and fired it at another troop. Zed teleported behind a warrior and slashed him with the Doom Bringer, bringing him down. Wendy, seeing that Larry was being clobbered badly by a fighter, kicked the fighter with her pink high-heel shoes right in the family jewels. Needless to say, this incapacitated him. Colonel Zippo Kanaza lashed out at the army with her infamous Wooden Pole That Comes >From Nowhere, dealing out many headaches.

The fight cooled down as everyone realized that the army had been decimated. Iggy and Lemmy released each other.

"Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!" Strago laughed. "Now you shall DIE!" He snapped his fingers. "Behemoth!"

A large, monstrous purple creature stepped out of the shadows. "RRRRROOOOOAAAAAARRRRR!!!!!" it snarled.

"What are we gonna do?" Wendy asked, shaken.

"I'll handle this," CZK said. "I summon the greatness tat are... ... ... DARAVON!"

Bordam Daravon walked in. "Hello there is there tat are hello," he said.

"Bordam Daravon is Translator tat are Great," CZK said.

"Off course! I will show CZK tat are insane my MAD TRANSLATING SKILLZ!" He looked at the Behemoth and began to translate his name.

"What's he doing?" Ludwig asked.

"Ah," Daravon said. "That are Animal or Object Tat are Large Tat are Impressive."

"He mistranslated the Behemoth's name!" T.G. Cid said.

The Animal or Object Tat are Large Tat are Impressive looked annoyed. "That's it!" it yelled. "I quit!" It stalked out.

"Oh crap," Relm said.

Suddenly, weird organ music started to play. Strago began to float in the air. A group of robed people entered. "We are the Strago Chorus," one of them said. "And we will be singing 'One-Winged Geezer'."

"Oh great," Lucca said. "Just perfect."

The chorus began to sing.

"This is the great song
Of the fuddy-duddy

This is the great song
Of the fuddy-duddy

Old Geezer!
Old Geezer!

This is the great song
Of the fuddy-duddy

This is the great song
Of the fuddy-duddy

Old Geezer!
Old Geezer!

Freezer geezer
With power

Freezer geezer
With power

This is the great song
Of the fuddy-duddy

This is the great song
Of the fuddy-duddy

Old Geezer!
Old Geezer!

Geezer geezer geezer man
His power just really sucks

Geezer geezer geezer man
His power just really sucks

Geezer geezer geezer man
His power just really sucks

Geezer geezer geezer man
His power just really sucks

Old geezers just
Really suck ass

Old geezers just
Really suck ass

Old geezers just
Really suck ass

Old geezers just
Really suck ass

Old Geezer!
Old Geezer!"

Relm ran away from Strago. "Grandpa, you're scaring me!" she screamed.

"Hey, where did you guys come from, anyway?" Meg asked.

"Um, well, that is..." one Strago Chorus singer said, trailing off.

"We're Sephiroth Choir rejects."

Bowser's children looked at the singers, then burst out laughing.

"How pathetic! They're rejects from..." Wendy started snickering, "Sephiroth's choir!"

"What's the matter? Did he think you guys weren't manly enough?" Lemmy mocked.

The Strago Chorus, upset at the insults and teasing, ran out of there.

Sephiroth teleported in. "So? I'm proud of my sexuality."

Morton stepped towards Sephiroth. "To be perfectly honest, completely straightforward, and otherwise telling the truth, you are the most frightening, disturbing man alive."

"No," Larry pointed out. "That dubious honor goes to him." He pointed at Richard Simmons.

"Oops. My bad."

"I'm a pony! I'm a pony!" Simmons galloped about the room, whinnying.

"How terrifying..." Ludwig stated.

"SHOOT ME!" Iggy cried out. "PLEASE, IF YOU HAVE ANY DECENCY, SHOOT ME!"

"Oh my god..." Roy muttered. "That's it. You're goin' down!" Roy tackled Simmons and started beating him down.

"Um, Roy, I'd move if I were you..." Iggy said.

"What?" Roy moved away from Simmons. Suddenly, Palmer landed on top of Simmons, squishing him like a bug.

"That's disgusting!" Meg said, clearly upset.

"That's tasteless!" Relm said.

"That's hilarious!" CZK hollered, laughing.

"That's ILLEGAL!" a man shouted out.

"Huh?" Larry mumbled.

"Who are you?" asked Lucca.

A shadowy figure stepped out of the corner. "I am... ESRB Person!" ESRB Person looked at the camera. "We always have to be P.C., ya know." He glared at the characters. "And what you're doing is IMMORAL!"

"Just what we need," Zed said. "Another Big Brother."

"SILENCE, PUNY MORTAL!" ESRB Person bellowed.

"Hey-hey!" Palmer said.

Suddenly, a truck careened over to ESRB Person, turning him into roadkill.

"Cool..." Iggy said, staring at the corpse in awe.

"Hey, that was aimed at me!" Palmer said.

"Oh crap," Strago said. "I just realized that my a cappella choral group left. And without that great power that all villains hold so dear, I cannot win." He looked at T.G. Cid. "I give up."

Sad guitar music began to play. Suddenly, a gorilla came out of nowhere.

"Yo!" the ape said. "I'm Thrilla Gorilla, and I say it's time to... PARTY DOWN!" Cheesy surfer movie music soon took the place of the guitar.

Guys and girls walked into the house, carrying tropical fruit. One of them even had a bottle of tequila. The house flooded with party-goers, and for no real reason, a beach party broke out.

Lucca

Marle

Crono

Taki

Strago Magus

Relm Arrowny

Boy

T.G. Cid

Richard Simmons

Rosa Farrell

Rydia

Cecil Harvey

Edge

Kain Highwind

Porom

Palom

Flea

Cloud Strife

Sephiroth

Princess Fillet

Kojiro

Musashi

Mario

Luigi

Voldo

Worker 8

Meg

Hammer

Colonel Zippo Kanaza

Kefka Palazzo

Snake Eyes (the guy Kefka was playing Craps with)

Zed

Flammie

Windy

Grahf

Iggy Koopa

Lemmy Koopa

Ludwig von Koopa

Bowser Koopa

Larry Koopa

Roy Koopa

Morton Koopa, Junior

Wendy O. Koopa

Setzer Gabbiani

Behemoth

Bordam Daravon

Members of the Strago Chorus

Palmer

ESRB Person

Thrilla Gorilla

And More Extras Than I Can List

And the Members of the Most Evil Fan Club in the World That Were Mentioned But Never Did Anything: Master Pai-Pai the Deranged Pizza Man, John Tesh, Howard Stern, Nameless Square Translator, Rush Limbaugh