The Northern Crater - Fanfics - Sephiroth vs. The World

	Sephiroth vs. The World by Bryan "PSXLord" Carr This is quite possibly the stupidest fanfic I have ever written. I thought this one up in about 5 minutes in gym class (yeah, like I have anything else to do in Gym ;) and thought it would be cool. Now you have to suffer...... enjoy! Chapter I: J.L.C. is gonna R.I.P. (Scene is set in the Northern Crater) (Sephiroth is pacing back and forth) Sephy: Grr....there's nothing to do. I killed Aeris, screwed up Cloud's life about 50 times, and beat the crap out of Kefka for fun........ (Sephy switches on the TV) Announcer: And now, a press conference with Jamie Lee Curtis on the set of her new movie...... JLC: I don't see how Michael Myers can be seen encouraging kids to shoot other kids. These people are raised around guns. The video games they play have dehumanized and desensitized them to what real bloodshed is.... (Author: This is a real statement made by JLC and it ticked me off BAD. JLC is an enemy and is gonna get it BAD in this story, just you wait....) (Sephy gets P.O'd) Sephy: WHAT! If we listened to you, Square would NEVER bring out Xenogears! (Seph does that cool spin thingie and reappears next to JLC) JLC: What the.... Sephy: How dare you pin the problems of the world on video games! JLC: But it's true! We horror movie stars are trying to change the world with our movies.Mbr> Sephy: You sure are....H2O sucked!!! (JLC is silent) Sephy: Infidel! You must die now! (that cool little swooosh thing, and screen changes to battle screen) (JLC attacks) JLC: May the irony smite you! Blame Transfer! (a weird glow appears around Seph and blames him for everything) Seph: Fool! I have Counter! JLC: ^%$#! (JLC is blamed for violence in the schoolyards) JLC: Stop it! I'm trying to fix the problem by shifting the blame.... Vicks: Cool! Did you see that? Wedge: I have a bad feeling....... (JLC's death throes cause her arm to lash out and kill Vicks and Wedge) Mog: Oh my God, they killed Vicks and Wedge! You b****! (Seph does that cool spin thing again and winds up back at the crater) (a knock at the door is heard. It's Scorpion and Sub Zero) Scorp: So, is the CNN report on yet? Subby: I brought ice cold beer! (He holds it up and it's solid ice) Sephy: There's nachos on the table. Claire brought Raccoon City guacamole dip! Scorp: Kick @$$! Claire: Stay away from it, Scorpion. Remember what happened last time? Scorp: Hey, it wasn't life threatening, just a fourth degree burn. The doctors said Leon's hair would grow back........ Chapter II: A Titanic Mistake for Leo (Scene is set at Northern Crater) (Sephy-san is watching TV) Announcer: You are watching Shin-TV. All megalomania, all the time. Announcer: Next, the Titanic.... (giggles at his own pathetic joke) ..success of Leonardo DiCaprio! (Still laughs) (Phone rings) Sephy: Hello, Northern Crater, Sephiroth speaking..... Leonardo Da Vinci: Seph, it's your buddy Leo. Have you been watching TV lately? Sephy: Duh. LDV: You've seen that punk kid DiCaprio, right? Sephy: Uh huh. LDV: That punk is replacing me as the true Leo! I made diagrams for tanks, airplanes, helicopters, and a veggie dehydrator. That kid is in a few blockbuster movies and he gets all the #$%@ing credit! Sephy: So, you are calling me for...... LDV: I want you to "settle" him. I'd do it myself, but I'm kinda dead. Sephy: Then....how come I'm talking to you??? LDV: The long distance rates are great from the Lifestream! Sephy: ...... LDV: PLEEEEAAAAASEEEEEEEE?!?!? Sephy: Any enemy of DiCaprio is a pal of mine. LDV: Thanks! (Sephy does that cool spin thing again and winds up in front of Leo's dressing room.) (A bunch of over-excited teenage girls stampede over the Seph-man) Seph: OUCH! (Brushes himself off) Seph: Excuse me, miss. Why is everybody around this room? Yuffie: Well, like duh! Leo is here and there's a chance he's changing in there! Oh my Gawd! Say....do you still have that Black Materia? Sephy: No. Yuffie: Oh man..... (Seph attempts to get through the rambunctious crowd. He is pushed back by the guards' riot gear.) Seph: (controlling guard's mind)Let me through. Guard:(zombie like) Go through. I beg of you. Seph: Thanks. (Seph enters DiCaprio's dressing room. An embarrassed Brad Pitt runs out.) LD: (singing off key) Oh, I'm in the money, I'm the brightest face in Hollywoooood! (Sephy winces) (Seph rips back curtain, Masamune in hand) Seph: Die, foul one! Leo: Eeeep. (Leo runs out in a bath towel and shower cap. Seph gives chase, swinging Masamune in the air.) Girls: OH MY GAWD!!! IT'S LEOOOOOOOO!!!! (unintelligible screaming) Leo: Awww crap! (Leo runs out the studio gates, Sephy in pursuit. Seph chases Leo and backs him into a corner. He raises the Masamune) Leo: Stop, please! Don't kill me! I'm too much of a pantywaist to die! Jack Nicholson (the Man!):Stop right there, Sephy. Leo: Mr. Nicholson! You came to help me! JN: #$%^ no! I came to bash your brains in...again. (Author-If you are a Celebrity DeathMatch fan, you know what I'm talking about) Leo: Nooooooooo! (Jack raises 3-Iron and swings. Leo ducks and the club flies out of Jack's hand, into the horizon.) Vicks: But what was cool about Crono Trigger.... Wedge: Huh? What's that noise? (The club smashes through their heads.) Mog: Oh my God! You killed Vicks and Wedge! You b**! JN: Ah, ^%$#. Finish it, Seph-dog. Seph: Ok. (Seph brings down the Masamune blade....slicing a valve which releases dry ice on Leo) Leo: AAAAAAAGH! I'll be baaaaaaaaaacccccccccckkkkkkkkk!!!!!! Seph: That was cool. (rimshot) Seph:Thank you, Mr. Skins! (Mr. Skins, aka Red XIII, with Ray-Ban shades and a sharp suit, takes a bow.) Seph: Sephy-chan in the Hoooooouuuuuussssseeee! Yuffie: Do you have the Black Materia NOW? Seph: No. Go away. Yuffie: Are you sure? Seph: Yes. Yuffie: Really sure? Seph: Positive.... (Yuffie starts giggling. Seph smacks his forehead. He fell for the oldest trick in the book.....and hopes the author gives him a shot at Yuffie.) (Author says nothing doing! ;) Chapter III: Honk If You Love Hanson(So Sephy knows who to take out first!) (Note: I didn't feel like making an intro for this one, and decided to cut to the chase. The sooner Hanson is dead, the better :) (TV Studio) Lackey: Alright, brothers Hanson. Just smile and read this script. Isaac: Ummm...what do all these words mean? Taylor: Just read it, dumb@$$. Zack: Ummm..... All 3: "I am the true chick magnet." Lackey: Huh? What the heck? That wasn't the script...... (Sephy appears) Sephy: You sorry children. Bow down to me and you will be punished less severely than the others. Isaac: OH MY GOD!!!! He's got a big @$$ sword! Taylor: So do I..huh huh.... (Sephy takes care of that) Taylor: AGGGGH! Mr. Happy!!!! Sephy: Now you will not reproduce.....thank God. Lackey: Ummm...hi. You can't kill them, 'cause they're on TV. Sephy: Oh YEAH? I was killed once and I wasn't on TV! That's not fair! Author: Umm, Seph? Sephy: Yeah, what? Author: You were on TV when you died. Remember? Sephy: Oh yeah...it's not fair dammit! (Author sighs) (Sephy's temper tantrums shakes the whole place, and a large support beam falls down.) Vicks: You know, I died once. Wedge: Yeah? (Support beam lands on V&W) Mog: Oh my God, you killed Vicks and Wedge! You b**s! Seph: Look what you made me do! All 3: Uh oh. (Sephy makes them all explode. Don't ask me why.) Seph: Geez.......now we gotta remove freakboy from the walls..... Chapter IV: What Seph wants, what he really really wants...... (Scene is set in a darkened disco. Loud music and funky lights abound. The Spice Girls are performing.) Spice Girls: Girl Power! (Crowd cheers. A man in a black trenchcoat sits in the corner nursing a Megalomaniac Cola, it is Sephy himself) Seph: Hmmm...they really have NO talent. Bryan (me!) was right.... Posh: It sure is empty up here... (Stage manager hooks a air compressor up to Posh's head) Posh: Whew! Thanks for the refill. Ugly...I mean Scary: Hey, the guy in the black coat is kinda cute. Baby: Gaa Gaa... Sporty: &^%$! Start talking right! Baby: &^%$ yourself!! Posh: (in funny helium voice from air compressor) Wooooo! Let's go talk to him! Seph: Whaa....they're coming up to me...... Posh: Hey handsome, what's your sign? Seph: What? Posh: You know, your symbol.... Seph: Oh.......(checks shoulder)...it's 01. Posh: Uh huh. Seph: Anyways, do you mind? Aerosmith is coming on stage. All 4: WHAT???? Seph: Aerosmith. Scary: I know what you said. I'm not dumb! Seph: No, you're in my way. I wanna watch Aerosmith! All 4: GRRRRRRR! Girl Power 4-Ever! Seph: Excuse me? Baby: You're gonna get it now! (whooooosh!) Sephy: Look. I don't wanna fight. I want to watch the concert. Sporty: We are the greatest thing in music! We even had our own video game! Seph: Yeah. I rented it because it was the only game at the video store. It sucked!!! Sporty: You're just jealous. Seph: Nuh uh. I have a game too. Ever heard of Final Fantasy 7? All 4: No. We only know our game. Seph: Ignorant.... (Posh summons the spirit of Paul MaCartney) PM: Hey, where's the lads? Posh: Atttttaaaaaaaaaaccccccckkkkkkk! PM: Excuse me? We were the best thing to come out of England! Posh: Unh uh! PM: Uh huh! Posh: Unh uh! PM: Dieeeeee! Yellow Submarine! (A yellow sub fires 5 torpedoes at the girls. All but one find their target, and reduce their HP to one.) Baby: Owwwwwwwwweeeeeeeeee!!!! (The remaining torpedo streaks toward a corner table) Vicks: I wonder what would happen if you mixed Tifa and Aeris? Wedge: You'd get Taris! (Both laugh, and the torpedo detonates on them. Mog looks up from bustin' a move) Mog: Oh my God, they killed Vicks and Wedge! You b****s! Seph: Dieeeeeee! (Super Nova- You all know what happens!) All 4: AGGGH! Seph: Aerosmith! Yesss! Aerosmith: Don't wanna close my eyes...... Seph: You guys rock! (Music stops) Steve Tyler: You the guy that killed the Spice Girls? Seph: Yeah...... ST: Come on up! You are the MAN!! Seph: Yesssssss!!!!!!!! Aerosmith and Seph:..I don't wannna fallll asleep, yeah, and I don't wanna miss a thing! Author: Later, Sephy and Aerosmith all went to Turtle's Paradise and started hitting on Aya Brea. The end!

Sephiroth vs. The World

by Bryan "PSXLord" Carr