Pretty SOLDIER Sailor Barret

Shortly after Meteor's fall, all is well in the world of FFVII (except, of course, that Meteor left a huge crater where Midgar used to be). Due to an unlikely twist of fate, Shinra has somehow rebuilt itself secretly, its headquarters now in the remote town of Gongaga. And by the same ridiculous twist of fate, all the major player and supporting characters in FFVII have been ressurected. Uncanny, isn't it? ^_^;;

(Rufus is sitting haughtily in a large, ornate chair in the Shinra conference room, with a crystal orb sitting in front of him on the table. A knock comes on the door.)

Rufus: Come in, Reno.

Reno: (pushes open the door and swaggers in) Hey Rufus. So what's this mission you want me on? I mean, me and Rude were just-

Rufus: I don't care what you and Rude were doing, this is more important than your drinking.

Reno: (big sweatdrop) What's more important than THAT?!

Rufus: Do you remember the legendary Silver Materia?

Reno: (laughing) You can't be serious, boss! It was supposed to have unimaginable power and all, but it was shot into outer space, or something.

Rufus: What if I told you it was here on our planet?

Reno: (stops laughing) Whaaaat?! (eyes the crystal orb suspiciously)

Rufus: (shakes his head) No, that's not it, you moron. Let's start at the beginning. When Sephiroth summoned the Meteor... that wasn't just any ball of dirt he threw at us.

Reno: Uhmm... uh... it wasn't..?

Rufus: You see, to keep the Silver Materia safe from Jenova's attack, the Cetra sent it away, so that even if they failed, Jenova wouldn't be able to use it.

Reno: Wow, that's gotta be a @#&* of a Materia...

Rufus: Shut up and let me finish. (flips back his hair) Now - The Silver Materia crashed onto the moon of a world much like this one, and the impact shattered it into eight pieces, which the people of that world named the Moon Crystals.

Reno: And... and if the Meteor was really their moon... The Moon Crystals are HERE?

Rufus: That's what I think. And I also think we might be able to find a way to join them together again, and recreate the Silver Materia. With it, we can harness the power of the Promised Land for our own use. (he grins slyly) Cool, huh?

Reno: Rufus, man, you are one incredible dude. So you want we should find these Moon Crystals, right?

Rufus: (nodding) Exactly. I've spent the last few years doing a little research into the impact of Meteor, and where the Crystals might have scattered. The first place I've determined a Crystal might be is here - (pulls out a map and spreads it out on the table, pointing to a spot on it) in North Corel.

Reno: They're rebuilding, aren't they? Opened up the coal mines and everything...

Rufus: Right. So go there, try to blend in a little, and see if you can find the Moon Crystal.

Reno: Sure thing, boss. I hear they have good booze there.

(Meanwhile in Corel, an alarm clock rings loudly, and suddenly a large fist smashes it into pieces.)

Barret: %@*$ stupid piece of @*#$! Wakin' me up an'.... Holy $@#*! I'm late for work! (throws on some clothes and rushes out the door, grabbing a banana and stuffing his face as he runs to the coal mines) The boys are gonna be pissed... huh? (he stops, seeing a group of little kids tormenting a cat) Hey! You little punks, whatta @&#$ you think you're doing? Scram! (when they do, he looks down at the cat and does a double take) Hmm... just a stuffed cat. Looks like Cait Sith, cept for that crescent moon on its head... Aw, @#&$, I'm still late!

(As he runs off, the stuffed cat sits up, shaking its head.)

Cat: Poor Barret... he doesn't even have a clue.

(Later that night, after work, Barret gets home and flops down on his bed.)

Barret: Man, what a day. I forgot how much harder it is minin' coal than just using Shinra's lifesucking reactors - what the... (he spies a stuffed cat on the windowledge) That ain't one of Marlene's, that's that same stuffed cat the kids were beatin' around this morning!

Cat: Thanks a bundle, by the way.

Barret: ... Cait, is that you? What's with the crescent moon?

Cait: (sighs) Yeah, it's me. The crescent moon, well... that's what I'm here about, Barret.

Barret: Whatchoo talkin' bout, cat?

Cait: You see, back when you and the other members of AVALANCHE went into that Shinra building after Aeris was kidnapped by Tseng... you were captured. Remember that?

Barret: Yeah, they knocked us all out and we woke up in those $@#* cells.

Cait: See, here's where it gets tricky - During that time you were unconscious... Hojo did something to you.

Barret: (big sweatdrop) He... did?

Cait: Not just you, but the others too.

Barret: ...All of us?!

Cait: Yeah... no! He didn't do that, you hentai! He injected you with some alien cells.

Barret: Holy #$@&! You mean, that Jenova thing is in my body too?!

Cait: No, no! Not Jenova... there was another alien that Hojo found. This one was called a Lunarian. The Lunarian came from a far-off moon, and he fought to maintain order in the galaxy. But he died, and when Hojo found his corpse, he decided to do the same experiments with the Lunarian as he did with Jenova, so he could create superhumans to join Shinra's army... Except, well... Lunarians don't have the same kind of hive mentality that Jenova's kind did.

Barret: So... you're saying I'm some kinda superhero? Like the SOLDIER program? Then how come I ain't all powerful?

Cait: The powers come with... (big sweatdrop) a small catch. You have to transform to use them.

Barret: Inta what?

Cait: (produces a round object out of midair and tosses it to Barret) Here, hold this up and say "Barret Prism Power".

Barret: (looking over the round thing) What the @$&# is this thing? It's pink!

Cait: Eh, uhm... never mind the color. Just say it.

Barret: Oh, all right... Barret Prism Power!

(colors swirl around him as he spins in midair and a new outfit appears on his body...)

Barret: (roaring) A DRESS?! What the @#&$ kinda stupid joke you playin' on me, you #$%& cat?

Cait: Eh, heheh... I told you the powers come with a catch. (sees Barret looking at him menacingly) You know, you really look good in a fuku...

Barret: Well... (pauses) It is sorta comfortable. But what the @%#$ is going on? Why am I dressed like this?

Cait: As you remember, those with Jenova's cells were part of the SOLDIER program... and Hojo took it one step further... uhm... dunno how to say it...

Barret: Spit it out, cat!

Cait: Those with the Lunarian cells are part of the... PRETTY SOLDIER program. (winces in anticipation)

Barret: (waving his gun-arm around in the air) Whaaaaaat?! Pretty?! It a good thing that Hojo @#$%er's already dead, or I'd kill him! I don't need no superpowers if they come with this kinda baggage!

Cait: Oh yes you do. That's why I'm here... you see, Rufus is back, and he's after something called the Moon Crystals. They'll give him the power to call on all the energy of the Promised Land, supposedly...

Barret: Not again! That Rufus kid... I'll take him out for sure this time!

Cait: First you have to deal with the Turks. Reno's here in town right now, poking around trying to find one of the Crystals.

Barret: Just let me at 'im!

(Meanwhile, in a bar across town, Reno is sitting on a barstool, having a drink with the townspeople.)

Reno: Yo! Have a drink on me, pal! (claps a man on the back, then leans closer and whispers confidentially to him) So... you happen to see a big shiny crystal around here anywhere?

Man: Uh... can't say I have.

Reno: Nuts. (gets up and moves to sit down next to another man and claps him on the back) Hey, buddy! Your next drink's on me! (leans closer once again) You haven't seen a big weird-looking crystal, have you? (the man shakes his head, and Reno gets up to move again) @#%$! This is harder than I thought it would be.

(Suddenly, the door bursts open, revealing Barret's fuku-clad form silohuetted in the doorway)

Barret: Reno, you @#&$ing Shinra @#&$! Get the @&$# outta my hometown!

Reno: (biiiiiig sweatdrop) H-huh? Who are you supposed to be?

Barret: (gesturing wildly)Yo! I be Sailor Barret, leader o' AVALANCHE! I fight for Marlene... and da planet! In da name of AVALANCHE, I'm gonna punish yo' sorry Shinra #$@!!

Reno: Oh man... I forgot about that! You guys were all part of Hojo's PRETTY SOLDIER program, weren't you? And now you know...? Rufus is gonna be SO ticked...

Barret: Enougha yo' talk, Turk! You wanna piece o' me?

Reno: (regaining his composure and picking up his nightstick) Sure, go for it. I dunno what Hojo did exactly, but to me you just look like a big guy wearing a dress.

Barret: (steam coming out of his ears) Boy, you're DEAD! Barret Bigshot Magic!

(After a lot of spinning around and such, Barret shoots a LOT. Reno tries to block the bullets with his nightstick and fails miserably.)

Reno: Aw crap... I'm getting outta here! Rufus should know about this development... I'll mess you up some other time, 'kay? (he crashes through a window and escapes)

Barret: @#^$!! Now what? (looking around, he realizes everyone in the bar is cowering on the floor) Uh... hey everyone, it's just-

Cait: (from behind him, perched on the moogle) Are you sure you want everyone in town to know you transform into a transvestite?

Barret: Uh... heh. Good point. Mebbe I better leave Corel for awhile, huh?

Cait: Yeah, that might be a good idea. Besides, we have to find the others and let them know about what they are.

Barret: Lessee... it was me, Cloud, Aeris, Red, and Tifa who got caught by Shinra... so all of them are PRETTY SOLDIERs too?

Cait: I'm not entirely sure, but I suspect at least some of them are. I came to you first, cause you were the only one I was sure of. So... shall we go? (starts out the door)

Barret: Hey, wait a sec. How come you were so sure about me?

Cait: Tifa told me about that sailor suit you wore on the ship from Junon... She said you liked it a lot.

Barret: WHAAAATTT?? She told you about that??

(Back in Shinra HQ)

Rufus: (sighs) Reno, I'm very disappointed in you. Coming back after such a short time in Corel, completely empty-handed? Perhaps you're not worthy to be called a Turk.

Reno: N-no, I have some information for you. Uhm... (runs his fingers through his hair nervously) Hojo's PRETTY SOLDIER program has been activated. Barret Wallace has transformed.

Rufus: (rising in anger)This can't be! He shouldn't know how to transform, without someone telling him! Who could have possibly told him? (a knock is heard on the door) Hmm? Who's there?

Voice from behind the door: Just wondering if you wanted to see the revisions I made to the Neo-Midgar blueprints, President Rufus.

Rufus: Not right now, Reeve... maybe later.