Forgiveness

by Ellcrys

          The twists and turns of the mountains were no obstacle to him. The sound of his own heavy breathing resounded in his ears as he ran up the rocky slope that few men could even climb, let alone as quickly as he could do it, especially with such a heavy burden as he bore on his back. He knew the mountain like he knew his own face in the mirror. No - that wasn't quite right. When was the last time he'd seen a mirror, he wondered to himself, smirking a little. He knew the mountain far better.
          Coming to what most would have considered a dead end, a path that led nowhere save the bottom of a high cliff, the man continued at his swift pace. As he reached the foot of the cliff, he leapt high into the air without missing a step, landing effortlessly on the ledge nearly ten feet above his head.
          There he paused, catching his breath. The run had been his morning routine now for weeks, perhaps months. It had started out as his daily trip to bring water from the stream that flowed a little ways down the mountainside, but each day, he pushed himself harder, to go a little faster, a little further. He got the water, then ran until he ached, and only then would he turn and find his way home.
          His home wasn't much to speak of, of course, seeing as it was merely a small cave that would shelter him from the winds when the weather grew cold. It often did, this high up. But now the sun was rising, burning away the chill mist that hovered around the mountain's peaks and obscured the man's sight of what lay below, and the man was sweating with the exertion of his routine.
          Once he'd caught his breath, he swung the large waterskin down from his shoulders and emptied most of it into the hole he'd chiseled into the rock floor for use as a washbasin. Even though he'd known he'd likely be staying in this cave for quite some time, he hadn't brought anything with him when he left. He was a Dragoon - he could survive by his own wits, without the slightest aid of the kingdom's worldly goods. Therefore the cave was nearly empty aside from the chiseled basin, furnished only with a rough bed of scrub brush he'd gathered from further down the mountain and the suit of plate armor in the corner.
          Splashing some water on his face and his chest, the man looked at the armor, and wondered for what must have been the thousandth time if he was ready to put it on again. That was why he'd come to the mountain in the first place - to make himself truly worthy of that armor. The man had inherited it from his father, who had been one of the greatest Dragoons ever to have lived. It was a hero's armor...
          The man shook his head reluctantly. He was no hero. There was another reason he'd come to the mountain.
          Stepping outside into the morning air, he looked to the east. The sun was still low in the sky, hovering just high enough to clear the trees, but not the towers that rose in the distance before the spruce forest. The slanting rays caused the stone spires of Castle Baron, and the town laid out at its feet, to gleam golden.
          The man looked at the sight below for a long time, and wondered how the Royal Guard might be set up, now that the traitor Baigan was dead, and the Red Wings had no captain. The Dragoons were still there, of course - the Dragoons would always be there to serve the monarchy, even if one of them were to vanish into the mountains. The man wondered who was in charge, now that he was gone.
          He wondered how the king and queen fared. Especially the queen.


          He'd dreamed of her the night before. Not as the queen, but as the little girl who had once played war with him and his best friend. She had taken up archery, and his friend had grown interested in swords, while he himself began his training with the spear to follow in his late father's footsteps. Together, the three of them hunted the woods around Baron, pretending they were tracking imps. The three grew inseparable as they grew in strength.
          Still, they were too young to go out and fight with the army when war came. He remembered the day well, when the news came that her father had been killed in an ambush to the south. He remembered looking at her face, and seeing the tears that flowed freely from her dark eyes, and feeling awkward and helpless. He'd never been good at dealing with even his own emotions, let alone those of someone else - especially when he suddenly realized that what he felt for her wasn't just the friendliness he'd felt all those years, but something harder, more intense. All he could think of to do to show her how deeply he cared for her was to swear to her that her father would be avenged. By this time, he was a skilled enough fighter that he could have joined the Dragoons, if he'd been a year older, and so he left Baron on his own to catch the band of savages before they got too far. Her father's skilled platoon had taken out all but four, and he easily took out the rest when he came upon them. But then when he returned to the castle to share his triumph... he found her in his best friend's arms.
          Everything changed after that day. She gave up learning to fight, and began to study healing magic instead. His friend spent less time sparring, and more time wanting to be alone with her. As time went on, the two of them spent more and more time by themselves, and soon, none was left over for -
          "Kain!"
          The sudden sound of a voice calling his name jarred him out of the memory. Or was it part of the memory, he thought for a moment. He had been alone on the mountain for so long, his name hadn't been said aloud for weeks. And he couldn't be hearing that voice, not here, not now...
          He turned his head to look, and caught his breath. It was the unfamiliar figure of an angel who stood behind him, it seemed - aglow with pale radiance. She was wrapped not in the comfortable travelling clothes she favored, but in regal white robes and a fur cloak, embroidered with gold. Usually her hair would have been simply pulled back, or left loose, but now it was styled and braided into an elaborate mass of curls, held in place with ornaments of gold and silver. Her lips were dyed red, her eyes were lined with charcoal, even her bearing was not the bearing of his childhood playmate any longer, but the bearing of a queen.
          But he knew her too well. For just a moment, he was able to see past the elegance and extravagance, past the precariously balanced curls and the painted face. Though her mannerisms suggested an unfazable calm, her anxiety was betrayed by the tightness of her mouth and the widening of her dark eyes.
          "I... I knew it was you," she said softly. "One of Cid's men was looking through a telescope a few nights ago, and he saw a fire burning... I remembered how you loved the mountains..."
          She was looking him over with those dark eyes, and he had to fight the urge to turn away. He was suddenly aware of how he must look to her - long, unkempt hair, poorly shaven, barechested, wearing the same worn trousers he'd been wearing all along, now faded and threadbare from being washed in the stream. Next to her, he knew he looked like a beggar, though they'd been born into approximately the same rank. She was only a queen because of...
          "Kain?" she repeated hesitantly. "You haven't said a word. Please, talk to me..."
          "I..." He stopped and cleared his throat. "I haven't spoken out loud to anyone, for... how long ago was it?"
          "It's been over three months since you left Baron."
          He chuckled grimly. "Then it's no wonder that I barely remember how to use my voice. And besides... I..." He lowered his eyes, feeling as awkward as he had on that fateful day. "I don't know what to say..."
          "Say you're all right," she suggested. "I always wanted to know for certain, and when you didn't even stay for Cecil's coronation, or our wedding..."
          "I... yes. I'm all right," he mumbled. "I'm sorry... Rosa."
          "Everyone asked where you were," she continued, taking a few steps closer to him. "Cecil didn't know what to tell them. The note you left was so vague, neither of us were sure whether or not to go looking for you. Cecil thought you could take care of yourself, but I remembered how you always put the blame on yourself when we were younger. And after all that happened, I worried that you might... do something rash." A cautious, shy smile began to transform her face back into that of his childhood friend again. "I'm glad Cecil was right."
          "Isn't Cecil always right?" Kain muttered under his breath.
          He hadn't intended for her to hear, but she did. He could tell by the way her smile faltered for a moment before she forced it back. "The kingdom's doing well," she said smoothly, changing the subject. "Cecil wasn't sure at first how he'd handle it, having been only a soldier for so long. But Edward's been advising him, and the elders of Mysidia, and he's becoming more comfortable with his new responsibilities. Not that he feels he deserves it, even now - becoming royalty hasn't changed him a bit."
          "You've changed," Kain remarked, glancing at her again.
          "Yes, well..." She stared at the ground self-consciously. "I have to look and act the part of a queen now."
          "And the citizens of Baron allowed their queen to go traipsing off into these dangerous mountains?" he inquired. "Also, I'm curious to know how you managed to slip past Cecil."
          "He knows, and even sent an escort to guard me," she replied, "but I left them down by the stream. There aren't so many monsters anymore, and I have my magic. Cecil would have come himself, but he can't manage to get away himself. He knew if I came, you would listen to me. And not only that..." She flashed a smile at him again. "He can't stop me from doing something once I've made my mind up. Remember when Rydia and I hid on the Big Whale, so we could fight Zemus together?"
          You hid on the ship so you could be with him, Kain thought. Not so you could fight Zemus. But he kept his thoughts to himself. "So what is it I'm supposed to listen to?" he asked, stepping into the cave to pull on a shirt. Less to cover himself, than to cover the bitterness he knew she would see in his eyes.
          "Well..." Rosa began, settling herself on one of the flat rocks just outside the mouth of the cave, "for the first time in hundreds of years, all the nations are on the verge of an alliance. Baron made many enemies, before and after this incident with the crystals, but many of the kingdoms have new rulers, who are willing to forgive under the circumstances. The Red Wings are no longer needed - their purpose was to fight by air. Now the airships are used only for transportation, and are being hired out to other kingdoms as needed. Damcyan and Eblan need them to haul the supplies they need to rebuild."
          Kain reappeared, watching her curiously. "You didn't come all this way to give a speech about the state of the world," he observed.
          "No," she admitted. "What I'm getting at is, Baron doesn't have any need for a military right now. Everyone knows it, and so the warriors have nothing to do, nowhere to go... The remnants of the Red Wings have found work piloting the airships, and training people from other kingdoms to do the same. The Royal Guard is done now strictly on a volunteer basis, from a roll of trained warriors. This would be a step forward, except that... if someday our successors, and those of the other nations, are not as enlightened, and Baron is still without a military power, it would be a recipe for disaster."
          Successors... Cecil and Rosa's children. The thought made Kain flinch, but she mistook his discomfort.
          "I knew you would understand," she said urgently. "We have only one fighting force left in Baron, and that's the Dragoons. Right now, they have no captain, and we're worried they may scatter if we don't find someone to lead them. And there's no one better suited for-" She stopped abruptly, seeing him slowly shaking his head. "Really - I mean every word," she insisted. "You're the only one experienced enough to take command."
          "Rosa, I am not right for that position," he said with a bitter laugh. "How can I command the Dragoons, when I myself am not fit to be a Dragoon?"
          "But you are," she said, puzzled. "I saw you this morning, though you didn't see me - you passed me when you came from the stream. I saw how effortless it was for you, even carrying a heavy load on your back, to run up the mountain, leaping to the tops of the ravines... You can't tell me you're not fit."
          "Fit, yes - but not where it counts. What makes a Dragoon is... it's not how fast I run, how much weight I can lift, or how high I can jump," he explained reluctantly. "To be a true Dragoon... like my father was... it takes much more. I'm not worthy of that title," he finished bitterly.
          "Not worthy? What could you possibly mean?" Rosa came to stand before him, looking up into his eyes with concern. It made his soul hurt. "You fought Zeromus with us. You're a hero."
          "No I'm not." He brushed past her, out of the mouth of the cave. Standing at the edge of the cliff, facing out into the valley, he wouldn't have to look at her. Every time he looked, he remembered.
          "Kain..." She hadn't taken the hint, apparently, because he felt a cool hand on his shoulder. "Are you still beating yourself up for... that?"
          He brushed her hand away angrily. "And why shouldn't I?"
          "Don't dwell on it," she told him earnestly. "We've all forgiven you. Can't you forgive yourself?"
          She looked so small and worried. Memories returned to Kain with vivid intensity, memories of how she'd screamed in terror as the airships rose to the Tower of Zot, and cried as Golbez told her how she would be the bait for his trap. She hadn't cried for herself, of course, but for Cecil. He remembered his own hands binding her to a chair as she pleaded with him to stop... his own hands striking her across the face as he told her to be silent. I'll show you I'm better than your precious Cecil. "No," he said finally. "No, I can't. I... hurt you, Rosa."
          "But you were under the control of Golbez," she insisted. "It's not your fault you did the things you did."
          "Yes it is," he replied. She had to know the truth, and so he forced himself to look her in the eye. "Golbez influenced me, yes - and that was why I helped him kidnap you, and why I stole the crystals, but the way I treated you in the Tower of Zot... that was me alone, Rosa. It wasn't Golbez who was jealous of the way you loved him... that was me."
          To his surprise, she nodded. "I knew that about you for a long time."
          He could do nothing but stare at her. How could she have known...?
          "It's all right, Kain," she continued. "You were confused, and lonely. I understand."
          "No you don't!" His sudden bitter outburst startled even himself. "How could you? I never saw you with anyone else, Rosa. You always had him!"
          "I..." Her eyes had widened in shock. "What is it, Kain? You think I don't understand loneliness? All those times you and he would go away on campaigns, and I was left by myself?"
          "You know that's not what I meant." Unable to bear the frustration building inside him, he slammed his fist against the hard stone of the mountainside, and she flinched. But she didn't move away, he noticed. She didn't fear him, even now. Somehow that frightened him, rather than giving him a sense of relief.
          "I know..." she admitted reluctantly. "No, I never loved anyone else. I always knew Cecil was right for me, since we were children. Would you rather have had me unhappy, going from one man to another? Going to you? The end result would have been the same."
          "Of course it would have." Taking a deep breath, he tried to compose himself. And to rid himself of the tormented thoughts that raced through his mind. She couldn't know that every word she said was driving the knife deeper into his heart, he told himself.
          "Kain... he's my husband now. I love him more than anyone."
          Her words were gentle, but even so they seemed as overt an attack as if she'd driven his own spear through his chest. "Of course you do!" he snarled, and this time she did take a startled step backwards. "Everyone loves Cecil - King Cecil. It's fitting he should become royalty, since he's so perfect in every other way. Always stronger, always more charming, everyone loves Cecil. Cecil the Paladin, the sacred knight, the chosen one!" He stepped up to her again, and she took another step back, her dark eyes wide and nervous. In those eyes, he could now see the same thing reflected in them that he'd seen in the Tower of Zot - his own murderous rage. "And on top of it all, he's not even human, he's from the moon - why doesn't he just claim he's a god? Who would argue with good, kind, perfect Cecil?" he spat, glaring down at her as he approached her again and reached for her arms.
          She tried to move backwards again to escape his grasp, but suddenly tumbled from Kain's view with a gasp. Surprised, he looked down, through the red haze of his anger, and saw that they'd come to the edge of the cliff. Left dangling from the edge by only one hand gripping the sharp edge of a stone, she screamed in terror as she stared down at the hundred foot drop beneath her. "Kain!"
          Indecision left him frozen. Instinct told him to drop to his knees and take her hand, but his rage kept him from doing so. Let her fall. Then Cecil will know what it's like, to have your best friend betray you by taking away the woman you both love...
          Her hand was torn and bleeding where the edge of the rock was digging into it. The slick blood made her hand slip a little more, and she screamed again. "Kain! Help me, please!" she pleaded, her face white.
          She was crying now, frantic and whimpering, and the charcoal that lined her eyes stained her cheeks dark. Her hair had fallen down from the careful style that must have taken an hour to arrange, and her own blood was beginning to drip down from the rock, making bright red blotches on her white robes. The queen who had appeared before him was dissolving, leaving behind the little girl who had cried over her father so many years past.
          He stared down at her for a few more agonizing moments, before the reality sunk in. By taking away the woman you both love, you're taking away the two best friends you'll ever have.
          Bracing himself on the uneven ground, he knelt and took her arm, lifting her back to safety as if she weighed no more than a child. And like a child, she clung to him, weeping. His arms surrounded her protectively, and he nearly wept himself, wondering how close he'd come to madness. How could he have even thought of letting her fall?
          When her sobs had finally slowed, he drew back, ashamed and awkward when he realized he'd been holding her tight. "Rosa... I'm sorry," he told her as she murmured the words of a minor curative spell, and the wound on her hand vanished before his eyes. He wished there was a spell that could heal the guilt in his soul as easily - all he could do was take the blame he deserved. "It's my fault, I shouldn't have..."
          "No, Kain - please don't say that," she protested, tears still leaving black trails down her face. "I wanted to hear it. I needed to, Kain. You and I, we've grown so far apart over the years... You were right, I never understood. Now I do."
          She held her arms out to him again, and he uneasily accepted her embrace. As much as he'd always wanted to hold her close, he realized, he didn't know what to do, now that she was there in his arms. "That's good," he replied hesitantly, "because I don't."
          "You don't love me, Kain," she said, looking up at him sadly. "It's not about me at all. You've resented him for how long now?"
          There was no need for him to ask who she meant. "Since we were children," he muttered. "As long as I can remember."
          "Before you had feelings for me?"
          After a long pause, he nodded. "Long before," he admitted. "But Rosa... I didn't realize how much I resented him... until I returned that day, when I avenged your father... and found you..." He couldn't finish. Even after so long, the memory still inspired rage.
          "See, it isn't that you love me," she insisted. "That was just an excuse. You want me, because you hate him."
          Kain was left speechless. What she was saying made perfect sense. Except...
          "I don't hate him," he finally said, standing to pace around the mountaintop. "Everything I said about him, I meant. Good, kind, perfect Cecil..." He laughed bitterly. "I can't hate him, no matter how much I want to. Congratulations, Rosa - you married the best man in the world." She seemed confused, uncertain as to whether or not he was being sarcastic. "I don't hate him," he repeated. "But... all of our lives, we were so alike, and I was always in his shadow. As strong as I was, he was stronger. As brave as I was, he was braver. And everyone liked him..."
          "That doesn't mean you're of any less value," Rosa told him sincerely. "You're a courageous warrior in your own right. We never would have been able to stop Valvalis, if you hadn't been there to fight her."
          "You never would have been there in the first place if it wasn't for me," he pointed out, turning to look down at Baron. Easier than meeting her eyes. "If I hadn't reacted to your voice, Golbez would never have kidnapped you and taken you to the Tower of Zot, and none of you ever would have gone in at all."
          "Don't go blaming everything that happened on yourself." Her cool hand touched his shoulder again. "If it hadn't been you that Golbez brainwashed, it would have been someone else-"
          "But it wasn't - it was me." He took a deep breath and summoned up his courage. "This is why I really came to the mountain, Rosa. That bitterness and anger that allowed Golbez to use me... it's so deeply embedded in my soul, it's a part of me. It will always be there, ready and waiting to strike again." He shook his head slowly before he looked up to her. "I can't be a hero, when that still lies within me. That is why I can't go back. That is why I'm... I'm not worthy to be called a Dragoon."
          She regarded him with sympathy. "I thought I understood before," she said softly. "But now I see I was mistaken."
          He nodded. He'd known all along he was doing the right thing by leaving, but hearing her say it... Tears he refused to shed stung his eyes.
          "It's not me, it's not Cecil," Rosa continued, "it's you. You honestly believe you're not good enough to be a Dragoon?"
          "I am... a disgrace to my father's armor," he agreed.
          She shook her head, spilling her now-bedraggled curls around her shoulders. "Everyone has that darkness within them," she told him. "and everyone falls victim to it sometimes. Some never have to confront it, but some lose themselves to it entirely. You, Kain... you've battled with it many times now." He started to turn away in shame, but she reached out to take his hand. "You fought your darkness when you were under the control of Golbez, and with time, you won. And just now..." She paused, her lip trembling a little. "I saw the look in your eyes when I fell. You... you wanted to let me die."
          She'd known? The revelation shocked and shamed him so greatly, he couldn't even find the strength to deny it. Reluctantly, he nodded.
          "But you didn't," she said. "The darkness didn't win that time either. It never has. And that, Kain," she finished, looking up at him, "is what makes you a hero. The goodness in your soul is strong enough to beat back the darkness every time."
          Again, he was left speechless and staring. What she was saying couldn't possibly be true. She had to be joking. He was no hero. But... why would she joke, about this? "You should hate me, not praise me."
          "No, that wouldn't be true unless you had let the darkness consume you," she insisted. "But you overcame it." She smiled again. "I think your father would be proud."
          His father... The words battered down all the self-control he'd been gathering, and suddenly he found tears rolling down his cheeks. She held her arms out to him again, and he gladly sank into them, this time not seeking affection, but merely comfort. And he found it, as she held him until all the tears he'd never cried had spent themselves.
          When he'd quieted, she looked down at him with a kind smile. "Don't worry, I won't tell Cecil a word of this," she assured him.
          He nodded gratefully. "Rosa... I can't go back. Not yet. I need more time, to think over what you've said... I want to know he'd be proud."
          "Take as long as you like," she said. "We'll deal with the Dragoons as well as we know how, but there will always be a need for you, and a place for you, in Baron. I promise you that."


          A week later, the guards of Castle Baron stared after the newcomer as he strode through the gate, fully armed and armored. But they didn't attempt to stop him. Though his face was hidden, and he said nothing, there was only one person who could have been wearing that armor. Still, they were uncertain. He'd never had quite that bearing, that confidence. Something had changed him, in all the time he'd been away who knows where.
          He heard the whispers behind him and smiled. So they thought he'd been away on some secret mission for the king, did they?
          Approaching the dark antechamber before the throne room, one guard halted him, asking to know his business. "I've come with news for Cecil," he replied. The guard was startled to hear the king referred to with such disregard for propriety, and demanded to know who he was. He merely stepped into the torchlight, and the guard's mouth closed as he nodded and opened the door.
          The king was busy listening to one of his advisors, and didn't look up to see who had entered until the queen reached over and clasped her hands over his excitedly. "I wondered when you'd come back," Cecil said with a friendly smile. "Rosa promised me you would."
          Removing his helmet, Kain chuckled faintly. "She did, did she? Did she also promise you that you'd have a new captain for the Dragoons?"
          "I wouldn't presume to speak for you about something that important," she said earnestly. Once again, she was dressed all in whites and pale blues, the very image of a queen.
          "The position is yours though, if you want it," Cecil said seriously. Dressed in royal regalia of purple and white, head covered by a great jeweled crown, he was just as dazzling to the eye, but Kain could see through the illusion. There was discomfort beneath his cool exterior. It had been a long time since the two of them had really been close, and now he wasn't sure what to make of Kain's arrival. Kain wondered if Rosa had told him anything at all of what they'd discussed on the mountain.
          He nodded. "I will do my best... your majesty."
          Cecil winced at the term. "Kain, you don't have to call me that," he told him. "In fact, please don't... I have many subjects, but there are very few in this kingdom who I'd call friends. I'd... I'd like you to be one."
          For an instant, the old jealousy flared up at the reminder of the power Cecil now had. Should I feel flattered, that he'd allow me to be his friend?
          Then, out of the corner of his eye, he caught a glimpse of Rosa. She was as she had appeared to him on the mountain, pale and flawless in her beauty. But this time, it didn't blind him to look at her. Underneath the painted eyes and ornaments, he could see his childhood friend. His lifelong friend. With a bit of effort, Kain shoved the resentment back down, and even managed to smile. "Of course, Cecil."
          "Great." Cecil looked noticeably relieved. "It's good to have you back."
          Kain nodded slowly. It was going to be a battle at first, he knew, to rid himself of his old prejudices, but looking up at Rosa's understanding face, he knew he could win it. Just as he had eventually triumphed in the Tower of Zot, and on the mountain. "It's good to be back," he finally said. Someday it really would be.

© 1998, by Andrea Hartmann.
Yes, this means you have to ask before you do anything with it. ^_^