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Chapter Five In the weeks following the meeting with Baigan, Kain found it easy enough to avoid Cecil. When deciding on a schedule of his duties, he simply asked Baigan if he could take a night shift. Baigan was surprised, but pleased. No one ever wanted the night shift, so by all means, if that's what Kain preferred... And so Kain found himself doing exactly what he'd expected to do as a Royal Guard: pacing the dim hallway outside the king's chamber during the darkest, most lonely part of the night. There were more guards situated throughout the castle who would come to his aid if necessary, and most likely would apprehend any would-be assassin long before he got close to the king's chamber, so Kain's shift was a solitary one. It suited him well. He was the youngest of the Royal Guard by four years, and he could sense their dubious eyes on him at times. Certainly he had no friends among the guard, and the two he did have were in bed when he got off his shift, an hour or so before dawn. He spent most of the rest of his time in the courtyard, practicing, or alone in his quarters, looking up at the mountains in the distance. If only I could go there... If only everyone would leave me alone... Both he and Cecil had both been given rooms within the castle walls now, but since Cecil was always training with the Dark Knights, Kain never saw him. What he heard came from Rosa, when she stopped by occasionally, in the early hours of the morning just before he went to bed. He couldn't bring himself to send her away, and so he listened halfheartedly as she told him what was happening. More and more men were crumbling under the heavy training involved in becoming a Dark Knight, and Cecil was one of only a dozen who still held up to their strict standards. Baigan was very proud. There was word that a ship had come in the night, and now some of Eblan's ninjas were prowling the forests at Baron's southern border. The king had called for more security around the town and castle, so Rosa's father was working long hours. Baigan had decided to send the Dark Knight cadets out to hunt the ninjas, and so Cecil had left. Cecil, Cecil, Cecil. Kain grew more and more bitter each time she spoke of his accomplishments. He wanted to tell her to stop it, but for some reason, he didn't. It contented him just to watch her talk about whatever was on her mind, whether it was an uncomfortable subject or not. And so she brought more news of Cecil's deeds as a Dark Knight in training. He'd returned to the castle with only four other cadets. Apparently they'd split into two groups and were combing the forest in tandem, when Cecil's half came upon a band of three ninjas. One of the cadets had fallen almost immediately to an enemy katana. The others had disposed of the ninjas quickly enough, and they'd returned to the castle with their friend's body while the other half remained in the forest, searching for more. It was unlikely they'd find any though, Rosa said. Baronian citizens knew the forests far better than anyone from another land would, especially a land like Eblan, which was almost all plains and mountains. Her opinion was shared by the king, who hailed Cecil and the others as heroes. Kain's mood grew darker. He'd also heard word of the Dragoons' efforts overseas, and they were gaining the upper hand as well. Kain could have been a hero as well, fighting at their side, but no - he stood in hallways, watching for some unlikely assassin who might somehow find his way that far. A few nights after that, he was pacing the hallway in his ceremonial cloak and armor, designed more for show than for defense, when he heard hesitant footsteps approaching in an adjacent corridor. He narrowed his eyes. No one was posted there, so it was either someone sleepwalking, or... Gripping his spear, he planted himself firmly in front of the doorway to the king's room, watching the end of the hallway intently. Silohuetted against the faint torchlight, someone leaned around the corner, looking for something, then tentatively stepped out into the open and started towards him. "Kain?" a voice asked softly. "Cecil?" The voice sounded different somehow, and dressed all in black as the person was, it was hard to make out any details. But even in the half-light, the torchlight gleamed off pale hair that no one else in Baron had possessed. "I'm on duty," Kain reminded him coldly. "And shouldn't you be asleep?" Cecil nodded. "But I couldn't." As he came closer, Kain could see his face more clearly, and what he saw was disturbing. Not the gash across his chin, presumably from the battle with the ninjas, but the hollowness of his cheeks, and the haunted look in his eyes. Kain had been about to tell his friend to leave him alone, but now he felt a twinge of guilt. Something was very wrong. "Why not?" he asked. Cecil sighed wearily. "I can't sleep, I can't eat," he mumbled. "Ever since that fight... Rosa said she told you about that... they're calling us heroes..." Kain's bitterness surged up again. "Isn't that terrible for you. You're a hero. No wonder you look so upset." "I'm no hero," Cecil told him. "I'm no hero at all." "What do you mean? The king calls you a hero - how can you think otherwise? Isn't his word good enough for you?" Kain regretted the harsh words almost as soon as he'd said them, for Cecil looked as if he were about to cry. "Kain, please..." he whispered. Kain hesitated. "Fine... what is it?" Cecil averted his eyes nervously. "Kain, I killed a man out there. I looked in his eyes and then ran a sword through his neck..." "That's all?" Kain was taken aback. "Cecil, that's what happens in battle. What were you expecting?" "I don't know what I was expecting, but not..." Cecil's voice gave out, and he coughed slightly before continuing. "He was a man only a couple of years older than I am, I suppose. Barely a man at all. None of them were much older than we are." "But we're old enough to go out and fight," Kain pointed out. "That's not the point," Cecil replied. "The point is, he was a man not too different from me... he had a life, and I took it away. I know I did the right thing - I mean, he killed Tirre. He would have killed me." "Then what's the problem?" "It's just... His blood was on my blade, it got on my hands, and my clothes..." Cecil swallowed hard before finishing. "The other cadets, they're all older than me, they've been soldiers for a few years. They'd fought in real battles before, and they just wiped off the blood and clapped each other on the back, said it was 'a job well done'... They didn't even seem to care we'd just taken the lives of three men just like us." "I still don't see what bothers you about it," Kain told him. "You think those ninjas would have mourned killing you? They were the enemy, they killed one of your men. You would have failed in your duty had you not killed them." "I know, I know," Cecil said miserably. "But you can't know either. You've never killed anything more than an imp. Neither had I, until four days ago. Killing a man... it's completely different. You see yourself in his eyes, Kain." The conversation was growing a bit too depressing for Kain's liking, and he wanted it to end as soon as possible. "Cecil, what are you looking for? Redemption? Forgiveness?" "No," he replied softly. "I just... wanted to talk. To someone who wouldn't laugh at me for saying that it makes me sick. I don't know if I could do it again. I'm on the verge of dropping out of this whole thing..." "And waste all those years we spent in training?" Kain asked him. "Think of the kingdom - we're in a war, Baron needs you. And what would you do if you weren't a soldier?" "I don't know," Cecil admitted. "But whatever I did, it wouldn't make me feel as terrible as this." Kain sighed. "Maybe it won't always be like that," he suggested. "Naturally the first time will be hard, but I've heard people say you get used to it after a while." Cecil shuddered. "I hope not. As bad as I feel about this, I think it would be worse by far if it didn't bother me at all. It's a terrible thing to kill. What kind of person would I be if I didn't hate it?" Kain had no answer for that, and it vaguely troubled him. "I don't know what I can say," he said finally. Cecil reached out and put a hand on his shoulder. "You don't need to say anything," he assured Kain with a faint smile. "I just needed to talk. You know, Kain, I haven't seen you hardly at all since you got promoted. It's been a long time, and I missed you. Rosa's missed you too." Kain shrugged, feeling some of the bitterness slide away. They'd been close once. "Yes. She comes to see me sometimes though, you know that." "The three of us never get to do anything together, though," Cecil pointed out. "When you're off duty, I'm training. When I'm done training, you're asleep. When you wake up, it's time for your shift again." "I know," Kain muttered. "Sorry." "It's not really your fault," Cecil commented. Actually it was, Kain knew that, but he didn't say it. "It's this schedule Baigan put you on... By the way, I wanted to ask you, what's it like being a Royal Guard?" Kain looked at his friend in surprise, and found him looking a bit more like his old self. "To be honest? It's boring," he told him, somewhat relieved. "All we really do is stand around and look tough." The two of them talked for awhile longer, until Kain's shift was almost over and they feared they might get caught. After he'd gone, Kain went back to pacing the hallway, but a bit less miserably. Talking with Cecil had melted most of his bitterness away, and reminded him of how it used to be. Soon, he vowed, he'd make time to get together with Cecil and Rosa again. Though he hadn't realized it until that point, he missed them too. © 1999 by Andrea Hartmann. |
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