Author's apology: OK, I know this is really crappy and maybe a little perverse, but what do you expect out of something I wrote at 2 in the morning on a caffeine high? Also, I will explain the little (w) and things before some of the dialog here... (w) means that the words after that were whispered. (vqw) means "very quiet whisper." The more v's, the softer the whisper. Major thanks to Micki & Chad for their ideas. Extra special thanks to Icca for the roleplays I took a couple jokes off of. Send any comments to me at Bow2Seph@aol.com. And would all Cloud fans PLEASE refrain from flaming me. The same goes for anyone against writing oneself into their stories. This is my first (pathetic) attempt at fanfic.
~Clara~

Rufus) ::Sitting at his desk flipping thru his mail:: Junk, junk, more junk, letter from Reno asking for a Playboy subscription again, another nude photo from Scarlet... wait a moment.... ::looking at one of the envelopes:: This is from the guys at Squaresoft... maybe I got a raise? ::opens the letter::reads it over:: Cooooooooool. ::buzzes his secretary thru a small comm built into his desk:: Lina, tell the Turks and the executive board to get their butts in gear and get up to my office NOW!

Secretary) Yes sir... ::making an announcement over the PA system:: ~Your attention please, all executive board, Hojo, and the Turks and yes, Reno, that includes you, report to president Rufus' office immediately. Repeat, all executive board members, Hojo, and the Turks report to president Rufus' office. Thank you~

Reno) ::sitting at a table at the newly put in Starbucks in the lounge with the other Turks:: Did she HAVE to mention me specifically? ::finishes his iced mocha::

Rude) No comment.

Tseng) Of course she did, Reno, or you wouldn't show up.

Elena) He's right, you know... ::scoots her chair closer to Tseng's::

Reno) ::grumbles:: Elena, you are SUCH a slut...

Elena) At least I'm not an alcoholic... and I am NOT a slut!

Reno) I am NOT an alcoholic and yes, you ARE a slut. I mean, do you actually think that no one has noticed how much you flirt with Tseng? Oh, and at a board meeting about a week ago, I hear Scarlet called you a slut and no one said anything about HER being one, too..

Elena) ::THWAPs Reno over the head::

Reno) Oww...

Tseng) Serves you right, Reno. Well, we'd better go see what he wants..

Rude) This is the third time he's called us in today!

Tseng) ::looks at Rude:: Would you rather report to his shotgun when you don't show up?

Rude) No...

Tseng) Then let's get going. ::stands::starts toward the elevator::

::Reno, Rude, and Elena follow Tseng::

Reno) ::punches the button for the 70th floor after passing his key card thru the scanner::

Rufus) ::up in his office with the execs and getting sick of waiting for the Turks:: Ok... those idiots have ten seconds... 10, 9, 8, 7...

::the Turks walk in::

Rufus) About time...

Tseng) Sorry we're late, but Reno and Elena got in a fight and held us back for a minute...

Rufus) I don't care what the hell your excuse is. Well, down to business. First, I would like the Turks to know that I am not sorry in the least that this is the third time they've been called up here today.

Reno) ::thinking that Rufus is a #(@&!@)#%&&?$?% jerk::

Rufus) Second, I'd like to ask Scarlet to kindly stop sending me nude photos.

Scarlet) ::BLUSHES::

Rufus) Third and last, I have received a letter from the people at Squaresoft...

All except Rufus) We got a raise?

Rufus) No...

::all look disappointed::

Reno) I got my Playboy subscription?

Elena) ::thwaps Reno again::

Scarlet) ::playing with her nails:: They reduced the cost of a good manicure?

Rufus) No...

Palmer) Free burgers?

Rufus) No...

Reno) Well DID I get my subscription? ::grinz::

Rufus) WILL YOU ALL SHUT UP AND LISTEN. ::hands Tseng the letter:: Tseng, would you kindly read that out loud?

Tseng) ::starts reading::

"We, the head honchos at Squaresoft, have decided that you, the cast of Final Fantasy 7, are long overdue for a reward for all your work."

Reno) Talk about it...

::all tell Reno to shut up::

Reno) Sheeesh...

Tseng) "Therefore, we have rented out a stretch of the beach at Costa Del Sol for Saturday, July 17th. All Shinra executives, Turks, Rufus, AVALANCHE members, Hojo, and Sephiroth are invited to attend a private beach party. A charter bus will pick all of you up in front of the sector 2 gate. The bus leaves at 7:00 AM Midgar Standard Time sharp. Seating is your choice. A recently completed undersea tunnel from Junon to Costa Del Sol will eliminate the need to load you all onto a boat and cut several hours from your trip. Expect to be at Costa Del Sol by 10:00 AM MST. The bus will leave around 11:00 PM MST. Until then, you are free to do whatever you want at the resort. Square will pick up the tab for any and all transactions. Also, the barbecue pit will be in use and we have hired a few people to run it. Bring your stuff and have fun! Note: Any girlfriends or boyfriends picked up at this party will be allowed to join the fun.

~The Coolest People At Squaresoft~

Tseng) Cool.

Reno) YAY! VACATION TIME! ::does a victory dance::

Scarlet and Elena) A chance to get a tan!

Reeve) ::can't get to the party... is busy elsewhere, but not too busy to have Cait go...::

Rufus) ::grinz:: All report to the sector 2 gate at 7:00 AM tomorrow. That's an order!

::all cheer::

::at the inn in Kalm, Cloud finishes reading the letter to the members of AVALANCHE::

Tifa) All right! We're going to the beach!

Aeris) ::hopes Tseng will be able to come...::

Red XIII) ::shudders:: water....

Cid) Well you don't have to go in, goddammit. ****ing cat.....

Barret) I'm bringin' Marlene. I don't give a damn whether she was mentioned or not.

Yuffie) ::starts dancing::

Vincent) I'm gonna be the only one on the beach with fangs...

Cid) Damn right, you are.

Vincent) Or maybe I should just suck you dry right now, Cid....

Cid) Dammit, don't bug me with your ****ing vampire shit.

Vince) ::I swear I'm going to get him one of these days...::

Cait) Heh heh heh. This'll be fun...

Cloud) But why the heck did they invite SEPH?

Aeris) 'Cuz he deserves a break, too.

Barret & Cid) BULLSHIT!

Tifa) Shut up, you two. I guess he's coming and that's that.

Cloud) ::grumbles::

Yuffie) What're you people waiting for? The 17th is tomorrow! We need to pack.

::all admit that, amazingly enough, Yuffie is RIGHT about something for once and all run off to get their things together::

::it's 6:28 AM. All those invited to the beach party are standing in the agreed spot in front of the sector 2 gate, waiting for the bus to show up::

Seph) Man, did Hojo HAVE to come?

Hojo) Are you objecting to me?

Seph) Yeah, I am. You're a jerk and a disgrace to science.

Hojo) ::almost says something nasty to Seph, but then thinks better of it, noting that Sephiroth has brought the Masamune along....::

Reno) ::has a boombox with batteries and a case of CD's in addition to his beach bag::

Cloud) ::glances at Reno:: You know, I hate to think what he's got in the way of music...

Barret) Chill out, spikey-ass.

Tifa) Yeah. We all brought our own CD's in case someone brought a boombox, didn't we?

Cid) $*^& yeah!

Seph) ::has a copy of Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness, Led Zeppelin 1, 2, and Zoso in his bag::

Aeris) ::didn't bring any CD's::

Vince & Red XIII) ::have copies of John Henry, Flood, and Apollo 18 with them::

Cloud) ::brought the same CD's as Sephy::

Reno) Dammit, when is that stupid bus getting here?

Barret) ::has Marlene on his shoulder:: Shut up, you !!#!*&?@>@ alcoholic.

Reno) How many times do I have to tell you I'm not an alcoholic!

::everyone laughs at Reno::

Reno) ::grumbles::

::the bus pulls up and everyone climbs aboard after putting their stuff in those compartments in the bottom of the bus. The Turks grab the 4 seats furthest to the back::

Elena) Yay! We get the back of the bus! ::plunks down next to Tseng::

Reno) ::sitting next to Rude:: Hey, check it out! They have those funky little video monitors... I wonder what we're going to watch?

Tseng) Hopefully a decent movie...

Rude) Hope it's Monty Python.

Reno) DITTO!

Tifa) ::sitting next to Cloud::

Seph) ::Steals a window seat directly in front of one of the monitors:: I'm the coolest one here, so of course I get one of the best seats here. ::grinz::

Hojo) ::discovers that the seat next to Sephy is the only one left for taking::sits down::

Seph) ::GROANS:: God, not you...

Hojo) No comment.

Aeris) ::sits in the seat directly in front of Tseng and next to Vincent::

Vince) ::glad he doesn't have to sit with Cid::

Cid) ::stuck next to Red XIII who won't stop singing "Istanbul"::

Red XIII) *Why did Constantinople get the works? That's no bod-*

Reno) You're right, it IS our business. So shut up. Now.

Red XIII) ::growls and stops singing::

Cid) Finally you shut up.... GEEEZ.

Yuffie) ::sitting next to Cait:: I'm so HAPPY!!! We're going to the beach! ::starts bouncing up & down in her seat::

::the executive board and Rufus settle in the front of the bus::

Seph) Almost forgot. ::picks up a video he had under his seat and walks up to the front of the bus to put it in the VCR::hits play and goes back to his seat::

::Monty Python and The Holy Grail comes on::

The Turks) WOO HOO!

Cid, Shinra executives except for Scarlet, and Vincent) ::fall asleep::

Scarlet) ::too busy flirting with Rufus to fall asleep::

Rufus) Scarlet. Leave me alone.

Scarlet) Aww.... why, Rufy-Wufy?

Rufus) ::groans::

Hojo) ::takes a pack of bubblegum out of his pocket::

Seph) Hey.. is that grape?

Hojo) Yes, why?

Seph) Gimmie a piece. Now.

Hojo) ::hands over the piece of gum, muttering something about "the stupid, traitorous lab rat he calls his son"::

Seph) ::starts chewing the piece of gum::stops:: Did you just say what I think you said?

Hojo) Uh... no...

Seph) ::stands, pulling out the Masamune and pulling Hojo to his feet:: Now it ain't nice to lie... You know what the penalty for pissing me off is?

Hojo) ::shakes his head::

Seph) ::skewers Hojo thru the chest:: Now you do. ::mentally commands Cloud to open the window::

Cloud) ::does as commanded::

Seph) ::throws Hojo out the window:: Littering fines be damned....

::everyone who’s awake STARES::

Seph) What? ::absently wipes the Masamune off on the edge of Hojo's now vacant seat::

::people stop staring and start applauding::

Seph) ::takes a bow before resheathing the Masamune and sitting down again::

Cloud) Good riddance.

Tifa) I agree...

Tseng) ::ignoring Elena leaning on him and half watching the movie, half looking at Aeris::

Aeris) ::glad someone didn't bring Spaceballs and expect people to watch it::

Tseng) ::leans forward::whispers to Aeris:: Hey....

Aeris) (w) What is it?

Tseng) (vqw) What do you say we go in the bathroom and have a little fun?

Elena) ::chooses that moment to get up and go into the bathroom::closes the door and proceeds to plant a bomb under the toilet seat::thinks "this ought to be good..."::

Elena) ::walks out of the bathroom & sits down again::

Aeris) (vqw) Ok.

Tseng) ::prays no one heard that....::

Aeris) ::gets up and walks into the bathroom::

Tseng) ::waits a few minutes before getting up and also walking into the bathroom::

Reno) Is it me or is he in there with Aeris with the door closed?

Elena) That dirty rotten...

Reno) He doesn't like you anyway, Elena.

Elena) ::snickers, thinking of the bomb on the toilet seat::

::20 minutes go by and still Aeris & Tseng haven't come out of the bathroom... and the bomb hasn’t gone off, either::

Cloud) ::has to go... bad::walks back to the bathroom, which a certain couple forgot to lock....::opens the door::turns beet red and shuts it again:: OK, you two... I really need to go. Could you PLEASE get some clothes on and let someone else use that bathroom?

Reno) I KNEW it!

Elena) ::tries not to snicker at the thought of the bomb::

::both put their clothes on and walk out of the bathroom and back to their seats::

Elena) ::punches Tseng a few times::

Tseng) OUCH! Hey...

Elena) You are SUCH a jerk... and so's your new girlfriend. ::looks pissed off::

Cloud) ::walks into the bathroom and closes the door::lifts the toilet seat, accidentally setting off that bomb....::loses a couple of fingers... and whatever else the reader wants him to lose ~_^:: YEEEOWCH!

Elena) ::GRINZ::

Aeris) What was that?

::Elena explains about the bomb and Reno and Rude crack up::

Reno) :::thinking of all the nasty things that bomb could have done to Cloud and laughing so hard there's tears in his eyes::

::10 minutes later, the bus pulls up at Costa Del Sol. Everyone gets off, grabs their stuff, and heads for the beach. Of course, people head for the locker rooms first.. gotta change, you know::

Reno) ::takes a quick look around the guy's locker room and realizes that he's the ONLY wimp there::

Seph) ::also looks around and already KNEW he was the manliest hunk there:: God, I love being me.

Vincent) ::already on the beach, hasn't bothered to change out of his jeans & T-shirt cuz he doesn't really like to swim::

Cloud) ::walks past wearing a yellow Speedo::

Reno) He has worse taste in swimsuits than Scarlet does in men...

Cloud) ::mutters::

Tseng) For once, I agree with you, Reno. But then, you aren't much better in the swimsuit department.. ::looks at Reno's Hawaiian print trunks that'll prolly start clinging if they get wet....::

Reno) ::muttermutter::

Seph) Hey! Check out my tattoo! ::shows off a skull & crossbones with green eyes and the words "foolish mortals, I am your god" tattooed across his right bicep::

Tseng) Seph, do you HAVE to show off your muscles every chance you get?

Seph) Give me one reason I shouldn't. Heh heh heh. I bet I make you all feel insignificant. ::grinz::

::everyone has to agree with that..::

Seph) Hey, Cloud.

Cloud) Huh?

Seph) Got anything left down under after that bomb?

::everyone laughs and Cloud blushes::

Seph) No? Oh well, it was probably too small to count as anything in the first place.

::more laughter::

Seph) I bet even CID is bigger than you are.

::laughter.. except for Cid::

Cid) Hey! ANYBODY is bigger than Cloud.

Reno) Even people who ain't GUYS are!

::laughter::

Cloud) ::walks out of the locker room while every other guy continues laughing at him::

Scarlet) ::finishes getting her tiny red bikini on:: Think Rufus'll notice me for once?

Tifa) Weeeeeeeell... you're kinda too much of a flirt to NOT notice, so...

Scarlet) I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that.

Tifa) Hey, Aeris?

Aeris) What? ::wearing a low cut pink one piece::

Tifa) What was that whole thing on the bus with Cloud about? I was too busy watching the movie.

Aeris) Uhm... Tifa, does Cloud still wanna go out with me or something?

Tifa) Last I checked. Why?

Aeris) He's out of luck

Tifa) You mean you don't like him? Cloud's a hunk....

Scarlet) The Dickless Wonder a hunk? That's almost funny!

Yuffie) But how can he be The Dickless Wonder when he HAS one?

::all eyes are suddenly on Yuffie::

Tifa) Well, you would know, wouldn't you?

Yuffie) Uh... I mean... I think he does... yeah, that's it...

Scarlet) You actually LOOKED?

Yuffie) I didn't MEAN to! He dropped his towel on his way to the shower!

Tifa) Yeah. Uh-huh. Right.

Yuffie) But it's TRUE!

::no one is paying attention to Yuffie anymore::

Tifa) Anyway, Aeris, I thought you liked Cloud.

Aeris) I did.. but I've found someone better in more ways than one ::grinz::

Scarlet & Tifa) Who's that?

Scarlet) Rufus?

Tifa) Sephiroth?

Aeris) No.

Scarlet) Vincent?

Tifa) Reeve?

Scarlet) Dare I ask?

Aeris) What's so bad about Tseng?

Scarlet & Tifa) ::stare at Aeris::

Scarlet) This is a joke, right?

Aeris) What reason would I have for that?

Tifa) Aeris. He's a Turk, for crying out loud.

Aeris) So?

Tifa) I give up... ::walks out::

Aeris) What's with her?

Scarlet) ::rolls her eyes:: Three guesses.

Aeris) Why's she so pissed about my liking Tseng?

Scarlet) I'll talk about this with you later. ::walks out::

Aeris) ::shrugs & follows::

Yuffie) Hey! Wait for me! ::runz after everyone else::

::Everyone is having a good time. Aeris and the Turks are all out having fun in the water, Seph is telling embarrassing stories about everyone else to the small harem of girls he's picked up, the Shinra exec's except for Scarlet are all off at the bar getting drunk, Scarlet is chasing Rufus, Tifa and Cloud are making out, Barret and Cait are building a sandcastle with Marlene, Vincent and RedXIII are asleep, Cid is sitting under a beach umbrella and smoking, and Yuffie is trying to think of a way to get past Sephy and steal all his master materia ^_^::

Tseng) ::busy dunking Reno::

Reno) Hey! ::dunk:: This isn't ::dunk:: funny! ::dunk:: Get offa ::dunk:: me!

Tseng) No. This is fun. ::dunk::

Elena) Hee hee hee... dunk the drunk.

Reno) Not funny! ::dunk::

Rude) ::splashes Elena::

Elena) Who did that?? ::splashes Tseng, thinking it was him::

Tseng) ::stops dunking Reno::splashes Aeris::

Aeris) ::splashes Reno::

::soon, a decent water fight is going::

Yuffie) ::glances at Aeris & company:: And people call ME immature.

Reno) ::sneaks away from the water fight::notices that Seph has at least 10 girls sitting around on his beach blanket and obviously finding something funny about whatever he's saying to them::walks a little closer so he can hear::

Seph) ::decides it's a good time to tell a story about RENO...:: Hey, see that guy over there? One time, he was supposed to be on duty, but he went out & got drunk instead. So Reno is walking around outside when he literally runs into Rufus. Then Reno calls Rufus "sexy" and asks for his phone number. ::waits for the girls to stop laughing before continuing:: Then, he called Rufus a chick. Now Rufus is getting mad, so he called in Reno's boss who had to bail him out! It was the damn funniest thing I ever heard about.

Reno) ::watching Seph's audience laughing at that story and getting REALLY embarrassed::walks over to Seph::

Seph) Well, if it isn't the idiot himself. What's up, loser?

Reno) Hey Seph.. how the heck did you manage to snag every chick on the beach for yourself?

Seph) Well, lesse... Tseng and Rufus are the only other guys I can see anyone going for in this entire group and they're both taken, so...

Reno) But why you?

Seph) Reason numero uno: I'm cute, I'm cool, and they like my tattoo. Reason numero dos: There's no other decent guys who aren't taken. Reason numero tres: I'm not some jerk who works for Shinra, unlike you. Reason numero cuatro: I've got a tan, also unlike you. Reason numero cinco: I'm not a wimp. Get the picture? Good. Now go away.

::Reno gets laughed at again::

Seph) ::turns his attention back to the girls:: Or then there's the time when Vincent got Cloud to drink blood.....

Reno) ::walks away, not wanting to hear this one::

Tseng) ::still having that water fight with Elena, Aeris, and Rude::thinks of something that might be fun...::grinz::

Aeris) ::isn't sure she likes the looks of that grin::

Tseng) ::ducks underwater::grabs Aeris' ankle & pulls her under::

Aeris) Eeeeeeek! ::goes under::

::both surface about ten seconds later::

Aeris) That wasn't funny...

Tseng) Then why're you grinning?

Aeris) Uh...

Rude) ::starts dunking Reno, who has just showed up again::

Reno) Noooooo! ::dunk:: Not again! ::dunk::

::everyone laughs at Reno::

Cloud) ::decides to head for the water for a while::

::Cloud goes in for a while.. and soon the yellow speedo is floating around in knee-deep water near shore... without Cloud::

Cloud) ::realizes he's lost his suit:: damn.... ::slowly creeps over to where his suit is floating about, trying to pick it up and keep himself covered at the same time::

Seph) ::notices Cloud trying to pick his bathing suit up & retreat to deeper water:: Heh heh heh... Cloud lost his suit!

Cait) Whoa. He's even smaller than I thought!

Cloud) ::blushing profusely::

Seph) ::mentally tells Cloud to pick up his goddamn suit and get it back on so people don’t have to look at him::

Reno) ::takes a look at Cloud:: Hey, Elena, you shoulda put a bigger bomb on that toilet seat...

Elena) You're right, I shoulda.

Cloud) ::obeys Seph::

Seph) Finally.

Cloud) ::creeps back to his towel, still blushing::

Tifa) Well THAT was stupid.

Cid) Hey, Stryfe! You're the biggest @$*&# idiot I've ever met! ::laughing::

Tifa) Ignore him...

Reno) No, he's the SMALLEST @$*&# idiot you've ever met! (((Author's note: I do not apologize for these jokes)))

::everyone laughs::

::the rest of the day goes mostly without incident, incident being Vincent getting pissed off at Heidegger and Palmer for tripping over him and sucking them both dry of blood... no loss there. Eventually, tho, 11:00 PM comes and it’s time to go::

Reno) ::munching his 6th burger at the barbecue pit::glances at his watch:: Damn. Time to go.

Seph) ::trying to decide which girl he’s going to take with him on the bus::chooses at random and walks back to the bus with his stuff under his arm::

::about ten minutes later, everyone is settling into their seats... except Sephiroth and his girl::

Seph) Dammit, what do you mean Clara can’t come?????

driver) I mean, I’m under strict orders not to take anyone on this bus who wasn’t on it on the way here! I’m sorry, but a rule is a rule!

Seph) Well, you know what I say about rules, bitch?

driver) Hmmm?

Seph) ::grabs the driver::drags him out the door::cuts him in half with the Masamune:: Rules are made to be broken. ::gringrin::walks on the bus with his girlfriend and they find a pair of seats::

Vincent) ::sneaks up to the driver’s seat... he wants to drive::

Aeris) ::took the seat next to Tseng before Elena ^_^::

Elena) ::sitting next to a ghostly Hojo:: Gawd, of all the stupid ways to write you back in...

Hojo) Blame the author.

Elena) This is sooo STUPID!

Authoress) You’re right, it is. ::Hojo is deleted::

Elena) Yay! Finally something has gone RIGHT in this pathetic fic...

Authoress) ::deletes Elena for that comment::

Reno) Hey... uh, could you un-delete her? With your sense of humor, I would hate to see her replacement...

Authoress) Well, since I’m feeling too lazy to come up with one nasty enough, fine... ::un-deletes Elena::

Elena) ::decides to shut up now....::

Authoress) No more comments, please.

Rude) ::walks up to the VCR & pops in a tape::cranks the volume up before returning to his seat next to Reno::

Reno) What movie?

Rude) Terminator 2.

Reno, Aeris, Tifa, Seph, Rufus, Barret, & Cid) Yay!

::the next hour or so goes by with fairly little happening::

Seph) ::Getting fed up with Cloud’s snoring... especially since Cloud is sitting in front of him::leans over the back of Cloud’s seat::pokepoke::

Cloud) What?

Seph) I can’t hear the movie over your snoring. Shut up.

Cloud) ::goes back to sleep and is soon snoring again::

Seph) ::thinking: the movie is going to end soon and I don’t wanna miss the end! Well, maybe if I hurry...::pulls Cloud over the back of the seat & carries him to the back::

::loud screams from Cloud are heard::

Seph) ::runs back to his seat & gets there just in time to see T-1000 get fried:: All right! I’m not too late!

Cloud) ::stumbles back toward his seat:: Ouch......

::all eyes are suddenly on Cloud.. except Seph. He’s too busy watching the movie::

Reno) Who do we thank for this one?

Seph) Me!

::all applaud Seph for the second time that day::

::finally the bus actually DOES get back to Midgar and everyone gets off::

Seph) Hey, Cloud.

Cloud) Huh?

Seph) Expect me to be playing with your brain a little bit later... and it WILL be embarrassing!

Cloud) ::groans::

::all the AVALANCHE members leave.. except for Aeris::

Rufus) Why is she still here?

Aeris) ‘Cuz everyone in AVALANCHE except for Vince is a loser. I’m staying with Tseng.

Reno) Tseng’s got a girlfriend, Tseng’s got a girlfriend!

Tseng) ::punches Reno::

Rufus) This is the worst fic ever written... anyway, I think we should be getting back to the building. Who’s got the gate key?

Rude) Reno has it.

Reno) ::quickly checks all his pockets, turning redder every second:: Uh, I think I lost it...

All) RENO!

Reno) ::RUNZ::